HowTo:Kill A Man With Your Bare Hands
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Reasons to kill a man
Let's face it, a lot of people deserve death. You may be asking yourself, "is it right to kill a man"? Well here are some moral reasons to kill a man:
- Calls your Kings with Ace/3 off and rivers an Ace on a final table
- Slept with your wife (note: does apply to you)
- Slept with your daughter
- Slept with your sister
- Slept with your mother (note:does not apply to your father)
- Ran over your dog
- Slept with your dog (after running it over)
- Drank the last beer (no greater crime exists)
- Slept with the last beer (what the fuck?)
- Slept with you, hell you were too drunk and stoned to remember!!
- Blew up your house
- For science
- For the lulz
- Jizzed on your face
- For freedom
- Made Fluttershy cry (one of the most important reasons of all)
- For no reason whatsoever
- Shat on your bed
- Shat on your mouth while asleep (a great constipation day)
- Slept with your wife and shat at her vagina, for science (a great nausea day)
If he's gay[does apply to you]
- Won the lottery (stole your luck)
- Slept with the lottery (again, what the fuck?)
- Ate your cat
- Slept with your cat (after eating it)
- Slept in your ass, if possible
- Inserted Frog Semen on your pudding
- Molested your child
- Barbecued your family (what a great time to respond to revenge)
- Barbecued your legs (unless you're a useless lazy bitch)
- Barbecued your ass (what? It burns?)
- Barbecued the last beer (this calls for extreme measures, PINKIE PIE STYLE!)
- Barbecued your penis (no way to get laid now)
- Slept with your penis (bat fuck insane)
- Stole your virginity (the guy must be out of his mind)
- Spanked you for being a naughty boy to your papa
- For Narnia
- Religious debates (START THE CRUSADES)
- In Florida, if you suspect that someone is going to harm you, you may kill them. Right before you kill your target, yell "He's coming right at me!"
- Dispose of the body. Burning is preferable.
What you will need
Now that you are thoroughly (not at all) versed in the moral and legal implications of killing a man with your bare hands, you need the following items:
- Hands (any colour will do)
- A Bear from which to extract "Bare Hands".
If you have these item(s), you are ready to get killing.
Find the man you wish to kill. Take your hands, and put them around his neck. Squeeze until dead.
Was that so hard? Well, there are three more advanced methods. You will need two rolls of quarters for the first:
- Put the quarters in your hands.
- Take your hands, and punch him in the face.
- Repeat as necessary until he is dead.
Be aware that this method can leave you with broken knucles, fingers, or an entire hand. Sure is fun, though.
For the second method(Not for those who had trouble with the first method) however nothing extra is required:
- Punch the unsuspecting
victimassailant in the stomach,or groin, causing them to bend over in pain.
- Securely grasp the back of the
victimassailant's head and motion your hands towards the ground, while raising your knee, imagine you were bounce passing a basket ball whilst going up a stair case(Don't ask why you would do this)
- Proceed to stomp on the
victimassailant's ankle to prevent him/her/it from fleeingchasing after you. (In the event of [] knee caps will suffice)
- Further proceed to kick or punch the
victimassailant in the head, repeating as necessary untill they are dead.
The final method requires your Kung fu prowess to be used:
- Call the man. Name him "Dick Penisberg" or something and let him attempt to punch you.
- Grab his wrist and then push his nose into his brain with an elbow uppercut.
- Then punch his ribcage/face/balls repeatedly the way Bruce Lee did the Wing Chun punch (Note that this takes 10 minutes to cause internal hemorrhage and death because each punch is as weak as your little sister hugging a spiked rock)
- Finally see Disposal of Corpse below(Unless in the USA, New Zealand, China, or Africa. In which case no one will care.)
Disposal of Corpse
The most pesky, not to mention rude, part of killing someone is they never help in the cleanup. The best way to dispose of the body is to go out into the desert and burn it. Remember, what the fire doesn't get, the vultures will. Another way is to drive out into the desert and bury the body. This is less dangerous to you, but a lot less fun and a lot more work.
Remember, murder is only wrong legally. Don't worry about it. Good luck with that.