HowTo:Keep Americans Out Of Your Country

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

Whether it is clueless tourists, clueless soldiers, or clueless politicians, Americans are everywhere. And you, being the leader of whichever country you hail from, will at some point in your career decide enough is enough. However, Americans are expensive people, needing expensive incentives, or disincentives in order to leave your country.

This is not a guide consisting of reasons 'why' Americans should be removed from your country. It is however, a reference guide to policies needed to complete this arduous but necessary task, complied from years of extensive research by Uxbridge University; much of which is publicly available through this site. This guide is broken down into sections, outlying categorised changes needed to dissuade the average American, conservative or otherwise, from visiting or applying for permanent residence in your country. It is recommended that at least one measure is taken from each category for any noticeable effect to take place. This guide is not accepted for use by extremist groups, church groups or primary school children; neither for reference in whole or in part, or in instruction to other persons.

edit Infrastructural Changes

America is a very new country, and doesn't have any national heritage other than overabundant examples of killing everything and each other. They visit your country mostly for the historic significance of property within, and they indeed value the fact that half of the buildings on your land are older than their country. In order to undermine your reputation as a prime tourism spot, there are alternatives to defacing your own national heritage; remember, this is an exercise in disposing of the American peoples. Not your average immigrant/tourist.

edit Transport


A typical American car. These cars often can only go in a straight line, by design.

The American transportation system is one of the most convoluted in the world. Making them feel inordinately uncomfortable about driving in your country is an easily achievable feat, and consistency is key. The most obvious change is to drive on the left hand side of the road. Though be aware, that Americans may cause more accidents in this configuration and could cost you money, regardless of how much better your automobile industry will be. Americans drive very slowly. On a typical 3-lane carriageway, a 55MPH speed limit is observed, with some states enforcing even lower speeds. Changing your own signs to KMH will make the Americans very happy. You can then charge them all for speeding. Should you have US Forces personnel stationed in your country, you should charge them for speeding at every available opportunity, regardless of the speed at which you catch them at. Only those of you who has observed such will truly understand. Americans hate walking. Pedestrianise as much of your city centres as possible. Should this actually increase the number of Americans in your city centres, consider imposing 20mph speed limits on bus and taxi services. Buses should also be required to travel in threes, if they don't already. For those with Forces personnel in rural areas that somehow evade speeding fines, make rural farm traffic travel between 6am and 7am, missing your own rush hour traffic, but hitting theirs.

edit Urban Design


An American gymnasium. Note the ridonculous use of escalators.

Most of your American influx will be of the tourism demographic. Minor existing changes can be made to your urban areas, but for full effect, future policy changes should include some larger scale reimaginings. Escalators are the new stairs in the US. Many Americans will break down and cry if they are faced with a barren set of stairs. Or better, they will fall down the stairs and sue everyone within 10 metres. As such, escalators should be removed as efficiently as possible from as many places as possible. Shopping malls, metro station are the most prolific targets. Americans are also dependant on convenience. It is almost impossible to not get anything delivered to you, by phone, in ten minutes in a US city. However, your own people manage nicely without that already, so an effective inconvenience strategy involving repositioning of fast food outlets (one hour away from every hotel) and takeaways (one per 100sq mile, any cuisine), should not affect your own urban populace. Convert many of your roads to one-way systems. They do not exist in America, and you will definitely pick up a lot of income from Americans parking the wrong way on these new streets. American tourists are also profoundly clueless. Remove as many road signs as you desire until your own people start asking questions. Due to the recent arrival of smartphones, you may need to reduce the effectiveness of 3G in urbane areas in case someone in the tourist group is remotely intelligent.

edit Financial Changes

Being the very symbol of broken capitalism the world over, money is an important aspect of any dissuasion policy.

edit Monetary

While at first making your own dollar can seem convoluted, this method can be altered to great effect. Notable examples involve parts of Canada, where shops near the border will entice American shoppers by allowing them to spend US dollars, yet shops further North will not. The reason this works, is Americans believe they own everything, and thus their dollars should work everywhere, which as you know, is not the case. Alternatively, you can join the Euro. Americans hate Euros. Americans have strange habits involving the way they spend at services such as brick and mortar stores and restaurants. An example many shop cashiers will recount to you, is the American's insistence on forcing any unspent change from transactions on the helpless cashier. Clearly, this is a form of harassment that many countries have not taken action against, and you would do well to arrest anyone who does so. Changes to the way payments are made to items can cause frustration. Making train tickets only purchasable online, and road toll booths only accept change can destroy the morale of American tourist groups. If all else, bankrupt your country. Regular tourism should stay roughly where it is, but Americans will instantly believe you are about to massacre your own people and start a brutal civil war that they will end up finishing themselves.

edit Services

On the theme of services, both public and private, changes can be made to confuse or even infuriate Americans. Should your people be as level headed as you believe them to be, such changes should not affect them. If you have not publicised healthcare, do so. Back in their country, this is the only example of Americans intelligently debating. Except they think too hard about it. Nationalising your own healthcare should be accepted well, while disgusting conservative Americans. Public holidays can also confuse Americans. Shutting all of your shops on Sunday, and declaring Bank Holidays five times more often, can inconvenience Americans in ways your own population can cope with. Examples such as Italy have taken more advanced steps as almost shutting down their entire country in August, in an effort to dissuade American businessmen. Some argue this is a drastic measure for a small percentage of American immigrants, and is possibly off-putting to the rest of the European Union.

edit Foreign Policy Changes

Changing the average American's view of your country can be done without even them visiting you at all. Some of these methods have the advantage of letting you co-ordinate these personally. Letting the Americans associate the things they hate about your country with your face is the overall goal. Should you so desire, you can include some of these as extra-curricular activities with your children, should you have any.

edit To America

Americans live for oil. It is a popular belief that all the oil is theirs, and legally drilling for it on their soil with produce a very negative image of you. If the arguing continues for more than a decade, spilling it all over a huge area of their coastline is an effective shock and awe tactic. Similarly, Americans believe they own all the weapons. Supplying inordinate amounts of weapons to anyone who wants them, be it African states, rogue Polynesian islands, or groups fighting for the freedom from their despotic leader, the Americans will complain regardless. Your military policy may also include going to war just before the Americans, and leaving USB sticks containing sensitive joint intelligence on trains.

edit To The Rest Of The World

Though it may have nothing to do with them, how you deal with non Americans may also get them riled. Joining the EU will do this well. Oddly, leaving the EU is likely to have the same effect. Americans have an inordinate dislike for the French. Bringing in exchange students on a constant rotation will unsettle tourists. There is also the rather dangerous policy of importing your beer from Eastern Europe. Use at your advisers' discretion.

edit Social Changes

Last of all, changes to your people. These are possibly the most expensive, not just in cash money, but in time. These changes are in bullet point form, as expanding on such will require volumes of information.

edit Cultural Suicide

  • Do not teach English in Secondary Schools.
    • If you are already an English speaking country, have a silly accent.
  • Have a very very silly accent.
  • Allow Shia trials in courts.
  • Make playing K-Pop and African Funk mandatory in restaurants.
  • Endorse Scientology.
  • English must be the last printed language of any list.
  • Ban branded t-shirts in public places.
  • Declare Halloween as Satanic.

edit Media

  • Have all TV stations stop broadcasting at 10pm.
  • Sports programmes should only talk about football. Real football.
  • Don't play any adverts on TV (Americans won't know when to get up and pee)
  • Censor Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, Reddit, most of YouTube. But not Bebo or MySpace. !
  • Only play songs by national artists on the radio. Western European and ANZAC countries will need to get creative.
Personal tools