HowTo:Irritate People

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No, this has nothing to do with the 1968 John Cleese TV-movie of the same name.

The best way to irritate people is to be Pauly Shore or work at a bank. Being female, a Jehovah's Witness, under the age of ten, or over the age of eighty is also helpful. However, since not all of us can be so lucky, here are some tips to get you started. Over all, keep in mind that you are trying to irritate people, not cause them to explode, so never push too far. A good idea is to make sure that you are very intoxicated before proceeding to irritate someone, because then you will always have the excuse that you were drunk/stoned/ripped from huffing kittens.

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Walker

this picture is not only unrelated, but about Chuck Norris, and poorly made with MS Paint. That's just irritating.

edit Why Irritate People?

Irritating people is both fun and lucrative. Actually, no, it's not lucrative at all, which brings us to our first means of irritation:

Tip

Groom in public.

edit Repetitive Behaviors

For some reason, many people become irritated by an individual who does or says something over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again.These behaviors are particularly effective if used to hinder someone else's enjoyment. Examples of this might be smacking the back of the head of a person seated in front of you at the movies, or loudly saying "Neener neener neener" or make donkey sound whilst having sex. These types of repetitive behaviors can be broken down into two types: 1) Physical, and 2) Verbal.

edit Physical

Physically repetitive actions allow the most rewarding outcome for those who are borderline psychotic. There are many examples of such a personality. Vomiting for no good reason tops this list( not to be confused with bulimia, as it will make her better looking. ). Followed closely by poking people; with both sharp sticks, and not so sharp sticks if combined with vomiting. Following people is great also, careful not to be confused with stalking. The main difference between stalking and simple following is the happy ending and murder at the conclusion. Another worthwhile and fun activity in this category is to point at them. Adding a look on your face as if the person melting into a puddle of blood and gore really sells the point. There is also rumors of excessive shaking and the moonwalk to be acceptable courses of action.

edit Verbal

Be very weary when using this form of irritation, as with modern technology it is easily combated. It also tends to be ineffective on the deaf. A very acute case of turrets syndrome is the best (real or perceived ) Laughing loud and hysterically works but only if pushed to the extreme. One must travel on the very edge of psychopathy with this action. A favorite of the elderly practitioner is to simply repeat words in a pattern. Examples of this would include repeating every first word of a sentence. Using the word 'like' like 4 times like for like every like 5 words you say, is a classical approach. Making incoherent noises are a good path to travel. Unyielding nagging is a favorite of female irritants. Do not be afraid to experiment with any combination of the above.


Tip

Do not be afraid to experiment with any combination of these examples


Tip

Talk to strangers as if you know them. If you have pictures of your children/pets/toilet, make sure to share them.

edit Repetitive Behaviors

For some reason, many people become irritated by an individual who does or says something over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again.These behaviors are particularly effective if used to hinder someone else's enjoyment. Examples of this might be smacking the back of the head of a person seated in front of you at the movies, or loudly saying "Neener neener neener" or make donkey sound whilst having sex. These types of repetitive behaviors can be broken down into two types: 1) Physical, and 2) Verbal.

edit Irrational Behavior

Making sense really isn't helping when you want to irritate people. Rather, try to do something new. Unexpected. Completely Nonsensical. Call people you don't know and immediately launch into an excited explanation about what you are about to do right now. "Hi, oh, it's you I wanted to call to tell you that I'm doing it you heard right I'm going to shave the cat the hair really looks ridiculous bye!" Make sure that you don't stop talking (avoid taking a breath) and hang up before they are able to respond. When shopping, pay with small change, Make sure you are short about 30 cents and then break out a 100-dollar-bill. A great variation on paying with small change is to, make sure you are exactly 1 cent short. Once they finish counting say that you are 100% sure that you had the right amount and ask them to count it again. The more times you manage to convince them to recount it the better.

If someone makes a suggestion, dismiss it as if it were the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard, than make the same suggestion in a slightly different formulation. Whenever possible, masticate words into a discussion that really have no place there. Use foreign words in order to beherbergen people better. Interrupt when people are talking by pointing somewhere and shout "HAVE YOU SEEN THAT???" If they ask what there was to see, give answers like "Oh, there was a car in the cutest red hue. Never seen one like this before." Ask people you don't know, weird questions. "How would you like to be buried." "What's your opinion on men wearing skirts." "About that Miller fellow, eh? You'd ever thought he'd do it?" When you're watching a horror/supposed-to-be-really-scary/thriller movie at the theater, meow in that tiny, high-pitched way Siamese cats do in the middle of a really tense parts. Also just laughing hysterically at the gory parts works well. Go to a really crowded place and walk up to a person. Punch them square in the nose. Instanly apologise to the person, acting as if you thought they were someone else. For greater irritation, make the target Emo or British. Abrubtly end every telephone conversation by saying that you are 'out of juice'. Upon seeing any law-enforcement personnel or vehicles, yell 'SHIT, IT'S THE LAPD!' and run away or hide. Refer to any figures of authority as Pigs.

edit Repetitive Behaviors

For some reason, many people become irritated by an individual who does or says something over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again.These behaviors are particularly effective if used to hinder someone else's enjoyment. Examples of this might be smacking the back of the head of a person seated in front of you at the movies, or loudly saying "Neener neener neener" or make donkey sound whilst having sex. These types of repetitive behaviors can be broken down into two types: 1) Physical, and 2) Verbal.

edit Be a Martyr

Tip

While eating try to use your hands, and eat as if your life depended on it, make certain that you make the apropreatly disgusting noise for the food type. e.g. a slurping sound is most effective when dealing with leaved vegetables and soup. If applicable: lick all the food off your fingers, pick your nose, scratch your ass, adjust your crotch, sneeze, cough and then voluntarily pick food from the dishes onto the plates of others with those same hands.

Make people feel sorry for you. This is irritating because nobody likes to be emotionally manipulated. When no one wants to come to your party, tell them it's ok. That you'll just be sitting in your apartment, alone, in the dark, drinking vodka and crying while they go out and have fun. It's also good to develop some sort of persistent, yet thoroughly undiagnosable, disease, so that when people invite you anywhere, you can say, "Oh, I don't know. My cancerous eyebrow's been acting up. But I suppose I must be brave." Allow your lower lip to tremble when you tell them this. cheese

edit Repetitive Behaviors

For some reason, many people become irritated by an individual who does or says something over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again.These behaviors are particularly effective if used to hinder someone else's enjoyment. Examples of this might be smacking the back of the head of a person seated in front of you at the movies, or loudly saying "Neener neener neener" or make donkey sound whilst having sex. These types of repetitive behaviors can be broken down into two types: 1) Physical, and 2) Verbal.

edit Be Indecisive

It's good to develop a reputation for being outrageously discerning and picky before attempting this maneuver. Then, when a decision needs to be made in a group setting, everyone will turn to you to decide. Stall for as long as you can, saying "um" and "er." When anybody else makes a suggestion, wrinkle up your nose and say , "Well, I guess that would be ok," in a manner which clearly communicates that it isn't. After at least an hour of wasting everyone's time, make a decision, preferably one that makes everyone else miserable. For example, you might say, "I know, let's go see that movie Biodome." When you arrive at the movie theater, change your mind.

Tip

Write an article about how to irritate people.

edit Repetitive Behaviors

For some reason, many people become irritated by an individual who does or says something over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again.These behaviors are particularly effective if used to hinder someone else's enjoyment. Examples of this might be smacking the back of the head of a person seated in front of you at the movies, or loudly saying "Neener neener neener" or make donkey sound whilst having sex. These types of repetitive behaviors can be broken down into two types: 1) Physical, and 2) Verbal.

Remember, irritating people isn't just a hobby, it's a way of life. It means disregarding the discomfort and misery of everyone around you. It means being inappropriate, crass, insensitive, whiny, and self-centered. Once you start down the path of being a truly irritating individual, you cannot go back. You have been warned.

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