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Years have passed, and countless arguments have been won and lost. Today is a solemn day, in which I pass my legacy onto the next generation, any of which wish to accept the greatest gift of all: The ability to out insult anyone who crosses your path, or who tries to make a point which is obviously incorrect. Use this information wisely. What you are about to read, has been preserved for years, and found orbiting Pluto, which, due to a time lapse,was somehow found by someone else. It is written by Oscar Wilde, Darth vader, and Soviet Russia.
We start with the most powerful tool of all: Opposite Day. This method is best used when someone says something that would be humorous to be switched around or reversed. For example: "I am a boy", in which 'opposite day!' would be exclaimed, implying that they are, in fact, not a boy. Opposite Day works much like April Fools Day, meaning it does not last an entire day. It would be better described as "opposite moment" as only certain phrases or words are reversed. Opposite day is also cumulative throughout the year - there could be 3 minutes of Opposite day today, 2 minutes of it tomorrow, etc, as long as it does not surpass the 24 hour limit of "a day". Another thing to remember about Opposite day is that nobody controls it. It occurs randomly, and only certain people are able to "forecast" it, to see when it is happening. This "forecast" ability is strange, in that they can only see opposite day happened after something has been said or done, never before. Hence why Opposite day is exclaimed after something has been said. Nobody can actually say that it is, in fact, opposite day since if they say it's opposite day and it is then the power of the opposite day makes that statement opposite and it's not opposite day anymore. But if it isn't opposite day then the statement would become true and then it would become opposite day. And thus the never ending loop of whether it's opposite day or not.
But let's get back to the subject of how to insult someone.
This method is used to discredit anyone who you believe to be lying, or being lame in what they are trying to express. For instance "Are you a boy" "Yes" "Prove it.". Although the following may backfire, and you will gain more proof then you bargained for, it usually pays off for lesser things that people may not be able to prove. This works on the "guilty till proven innocent" theory, in that if they cannot provide proof, they most obviously are doing/being/are what you claim them to be. Works well if you know that they cannot or will not supply proof.
If By This, You Mean Something Completely Different
A slightly silly, yet amazingly effective piece of brilliance. The basic theory to this word play is that you change around what they say, to mean something completely different, and then refer to the "prove it" method if they disagree to silence them. An example "What is your name?" "Peter" "If by "Peter" you mean "I'm a stupid moron with a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt." Then yes, I agree". This will often lead into a "you prove it scenario" in which the offended party will no doubt try to throw it back into your face, saying you can't prove it anyway, so therefore it is null and void. This can be conquered with either opposite day, statistically proven, or a synthesis of these 2 methods.
This works with a partner ONLY. and ONLY when you have more people on your side, otherwise, like wtf? It is far to difficult to do it alone, as you will have a hard time keeping the rhythm going. This method involves asking someone something (your partner) so that 100% of people will say it is true (as every other being in the universe abstained from the vote) so therefore, your partner speaks for the entirety of the universe, as it is 100% true, and then can be used as an insult. Sound confusing, yes, but not that difficult in practise. An example: "Peter is stupid isn't he?" "yes" "ahhh! 100% of people said Peter is stupid, therefore Peter is stupid!" As you can see by the example, it is not difficult to pull off, the theory itself may take a while to understand, and as you progress you may be able to synthesize this, and many other methods together, to form an omega insult.
Out of Context
A fairly simple method that requires very little explanation. It involves taking a word that your subject has said, and expaining it into a different context, yet still part of a proper argument. For instance: "I am really bored" "I know" "You know, like you know how to sleep with Peter". This is fairly similar to the third method, but they are completely different depending on how you are going to go about the insult.
You win the Nobel Prize for..
When implying that someone is the best at something bad, use the phrase, "You win the Nobel Prize for.." For example, if you were just talking to your friend Rick about how gay he was you would say: "Hey Rick, you won the Nobel Prize for being a flaming faggot." If he uses out of context to remind you of the time he actually did win the Nobel Prize for nuclear engineering, just use opposite day. However, this should never happen because he will be crying too much to respond. This is a good way to salt the victim's wounds.
The bitch slap
The bitch slap is more of a method of humiliation that leads to an insult. In order to bitch slap someone effectively, one must do it at a completely unexpected time, and if pulled off correctly, the BSed individual is forced to become your slave. Let's look at an example:
- "Hi, my name is Peter!"
- "Hi, my name is-"
*bitch slap* "-hahaha you don't deserve my name! Now do my dishes!"
- "Ow! I'm not doing your-"
- "What the f-"
- "Quit slapping me you d-"
- "Do my dishes, Peter McBitchyBitch!"
Eventually, with enough bitch slaps, the victim of the bitch slaps will be forced into slavery. It is unadvisable to use the bitch slap on more talented users of the bitch slap, as they will slap you into slavery instead. Not adviseable to try on:
The T-bag/Corpse Hump
The T-bag/Corpse Hump is a more physical approach to insulting someone. To T-bag or Corpse Hump a person, they must be dead, or extremely unconscious. Corpse Humping is the act of crouching on someone's body repeatedly in an attempt to prove your ownage/1337/haxxor skillz after an extremely good kill. Several serial killers have, in fact, used this insult after reading this article, including (but not limited to):
- JFK's assassin
- OJ Simpson
- Your Mum
- Chuck Norris on several occasions
- It is often said, and still unknown, whether Jimbo Wales used the "Corpse Hump" move on an actual encyclopaedia after his dastardly creation got off the ground.
- Sky, no relation to the killer, in fact a victim and in this case not necessarily unconscious.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE MASTERED ALL OF THE ABOVE!
I cannot stress that enough folks, I have seen men crumble under the pressure of trying to pull off an omega insult, and they failed miserably, leading to an open attack. So please, focus for weeks mastering all others before you read this section, at risk of mortal peril. The omega insult is a blend of all that you have learnt. It requires quick wit and fast speech, A high level lung capacity, and the ability to devise beautiful flowing insults. It cannot be explained, so here is one of my examples:
- Me: "Is your name Peter?"
- Peter: "yes"
- Me :"Of course by "Is your name Peter" I actually meant "Do you like men", didn't I Jack?"
- Jack: "Yes you did"
- Me: "100% of people knew that I meant "Do you like men" therefore you knew what I was asking, and you accepted the question, and answered yes, therefore you like men!"
- Peter: "Shut up"
- Me: "Shut up, like you shut up the mouths of men with your tongue"
- Peter: "I don't like men!"
- Me: "Opposite day, he likes men!"
- Peter: "I'll hit you!"
- Me: "Hit me, more like hit on me, cause I'm a man and you like men so much"
- Peter: "I don't!"
- Me: "Prove it"
- Peter: "You prove it!"
- Me: "Sorry, I don't prove things to people that are sexually attracted to me. I don't want them taking things the wrong way".
- Me: "You win the Nobel Prize for liking men."
- Me: *bitch slaps* "Be my kitchen bitch!"
- Me: *kills Peter and Corpse Humps him*
Then you either walk away, or do something very witty and devise your own type of wit to finish them off. Remember, this technique is like a fighting game, you have to keep the combo's going, if you don't, they will have time to land a few hits. Also, any examples are as simplistic as I could manage them, please do not feel limited by them, I myself use much more complex jokes if the time or need arises, but usually the simple "Are you a boy, Prove it" scenarios are useful (they are classics), so try and make them as complex as you can.
So, my little ones, in conclusion, please try to make me proud and spread the love of insulting. And I swear, if I catch you being omgpwnzord by an insult after reading this article...