HowTo:Hunt Interesting Exotic Dancer Conversation
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Proceed with caution, friend, you are entering the dangerous and whimsical habitat of the exotic dancer (more than likely because you're sad, lonely, and in dire need of the meaningful human interaction and warm compassion that an exotic dancer can provide). You've paid your cover-charge to the gamekeeper and entered the cologne and perfume masked, sweat-stench filled, smoky area and have carefully selected a prime location to camp (one which offers maximum observation angles to view the creatures while free at play). You traded your much larger bills in for a fistful of ass-dampened singles (the primary food source of the exotic dancer) and are prepared to manipulate the dancer's environment to serve your own selfish needs. Before actually approaching the animals, one should meticulously read, study, and memorize the practices, sciences, and pitfalls of hunting for interesting exotic dancer conversation.
edit Why Hunt For Something Interesting
If this is your first day at the rodeo (or strip club as it were), you may be wondering, "Do these angelic beasts even know how to talk? Why should I bother engaging them in conversation (let alone risk spooking them off trying to seek interesting conversation)? Aren't these glorious animals just meant to rub their nipples and genitalia on me (bare in mind that shape of genitalia varies greatly, from sideshow cock to recently condemned vagina and all forms imaginable in between, pending on your gender and the geographic location of your site)?"
Don't worry. These are all normal questions for a greenhorn hunter to ask. Indeed, exotic dancers can form coherent sentences consisting of actual words rather than their using their typical means of communication (rhythmical lip-smacking/licking, standard grunts of "Oh, Yeah,""Hey babe," and "Ya like that," as well as the traditional genital rub). If you've paid to see them, you should always take time to talk to the animals (they never cease to surprise). You won't spook them as long as you continue to feed them, and you'll be amazed by the things that come out of their mouths. The creature will instinctively rub against you (not like it's hurting anybody) but believing that is the animals sole purpose is like believing a back-scratcher can't be used to scratch your ass. Remember that you've paid to see these creatures and make the most of your experience. Accepting that you know very little about the species is the first step along your journey.
edit Selecting Your Dancer
Do not rush to choose your dancer. Taking your time while examining them from afar will allow you the chance to pick the best one. You should look for a dancer with character (preferably it be missing a tooth or teeth, perhaps it has a prosthetic limb or a lopsided configuration all together, or maybe it cries in the corner to prove it's sad like you). The more unique the dancer you find the more interesting the conversation will be over the long-haul. Do not (under any circumstances) select the most attractive or acrobatic one in the pack. The pick of liter will certainly have been spoiled by too much human and semi-human attention and will almost be useless to you (the whole genital rubbing thing is still pretty useful). When was the last time the most attractive or acrobatic naked creature in the general area said something interesting to you? Always think about that before selecting.
edit Approaching Your Prey
Now that you've carefully selected your target, you may gently attempt to call the powdered beast toward you. Contrary to popular belief, exotic dancers are not shy, timid, unpredictably violent, or dirty animals (the gamekeeper generally tends to assuring the animals are closely shaved, heavily sedated, and deloused). In most cases, the dancers are simply hungry, begging for attention, and misunderstood. You need not fear them; the beasts won't attack unless they are provoked (mocking, pinching and/or licking will provoke the dancer).
When first luring the animal, don't be surprised if it takes the food directly from your hand (using what may be considered an underutilized piece of the anatomy). Be sure not to feed the dancer to quickly (this is how the animals get spoiled for the rest of us). Start by giving them a few singles right away but don't let them start to take you for granted (still make them preform simpler tricks than talking to build up their fragile egos first).
Now that you've captured the animal's attention and befriended it, you can lead the dancer away from the pack to a more private location (give them a larger portion of food so they are sure to follow). Once you are isolated from the crowd have the creature climb onto your lap (it will automatically go into its learned routine of teasing). Subdue and calm the dancer by whispering in its ear. The creature, now out of its element, will be eager to do what ever makes you happy (such as having an interesting conversation).
This is the point where the majority of greenhorn hunters make their mistakes. They often believe the hunt is over (believing they can't bag or having never seen the rare interesting exotic dancer conversation)and that they simply have another picture to hang on their trophy wall. Only those brave enough to go where few before them have went can bring in the true trophy (the life changing experience of having risked engaging a wild beast).
edit Delving Into The Mind
The animal is now cornered. You have it right where you want it and can go in for the kill. Choose your topic of discussion wisely, you may have the creature calm but it will flee if frightened (you are certainly not the only one willing to feed it and/or its cubs). The dancer will be intrigued that you are interested in its worldly perspective (and the fact that you can focus on something while being mauled by genitalia). Lead the animal in the direction you want to go and then let them take you there. Many will take one of the following routes.
edit Fascinating Family Lives
The most common topic of discussion is parenting advice. Exotic dancers generally come from a very large and amazingly loving extended family. The animals tend to have liters of up to 10 (avg. 3.78 cubs per dancer and 0.48 C-section scars) and the knowledge they learn through this experience is indispensable (such as the fact that everyone is pedophile, not just uncle Jack, what kind of good parent, friend, or family member doesn't love fucking children). Exotic dancers know better than anyone that without love a cub will never grow.
edit Amazing Wells of Knowledge
These animals are naturally experts of human anatomy, physiology, and Psychology. It is less common for a dancer to grandstand this way. If you want to see what the animal knows, be sure to give them a tidbit of information they weren't previously privy to (such as what your first name is and where you come from). In my travels I've learned many things (such as the precise metamorphosis time for a penis from completely flaccid to total eruption (8-14 minutes) and from a sandy (irritated and dry) vagina desert to a hot and humid jungle o' love making ( 2-48 hours), and I learned all of it from exotic dancers). Most of these creatures have spent time in medical school or they wouldn't be allowed to where that nurse's or doctor's outfit.
edit Naked People Have Dreams Too
The rarest of conversations is found when you realize that not all of the dancers intended on being a show-animal and some of them actually are capable of dreaming about aspirations beyond their current habitat (such as becoming novelists, actresses, models, lawyers, or prostitutes). A truly gifted animal will make you believe they are capable of almost anything (like writing a novella about time traveling space pirates that came and stole your lover forcing you to cross both time and space to find them). The hunter that bags a dreamer becomes a legend on the spot.
If you've made it this far, you've already done better than most. The last obstacle that can stop you now is yourself. Don't talk too much about yourself, don't ever cut the dancer off mid-sentence, and don't ever laugh at them (unless they are trying to be funny). I've witnesses countless hunters pussy out and never get the conversation started (they all regret it in the long run, an interesting conversation can make the cover-charge seem well worth it). You have successfully delved into the mind of an exotic dancer; whatever you do, don't fuck it up now. You've read this article to its completion (now you just need to study and memorize it). You are obviously interested in hunting the big game and it will reward you. Remember, not everyone is meant to hunt interesting exotic dancer conversation (only the brave, horny, and/or stupid). Women though less common hunters make the far superior trappers. I guarantee you will be a more successful hunter after reading this (though the guarantee is oral and your money will not be refunded if you fail). Be safe on the trails, partner, and HAPPY HUNTING!