HowTo:Hug another man

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Hug

Yeah, that's it. Feeling better?

The world is a complicated place for many men, thanks to homosexuality, women, food and ummm..women. You[1] are expected to be in touch with your feminine side yet not to compromise your masculinity. Men are expected to get along with their mother-in-law, just as she is expected to hate them. They are also required to plan for the future - to love and to cherish their woman, to look forward to the week ahead without consideration. And the main product of this planning ahead is two crates of beer instead of one. However… men have not been brought into this world to have the expectation on them of giving Man Hugs. If you really do not feel that hugging is your thing, then take a moment to observe the attached leaflet ‘How To Give A Hommie Handshake’[2]. Apparently, if men do not hug one another, then it will be considered that they are not secure within their sexuality.

As a certified Man Hug Advisor, my job is to look for men who have been suffering from their inability to express themselves in a physical way with their own gender. Women have no problem pressing their bodies up close to each other in a non-sexual way but for men - well at least those from an Anglo-Protestant cultural background - this remains a source of acute social embarrassment. So if you don't mind, I will outline what you have to do. Also move those beer cans out the way and change your socks, this is how we can approach male hugging for a complete beginner.

There are five main concepts of giving a great Man Hug:

Step One - When To Hug

This is purely down to situation. Congratulations on a friend being promoted, a father, a drunkard or seeing an old friend or relative always requires a hug. During a sports win, such as football, the worry of hugging other men vanishes, along with their soberness, as anything goes. But be wary, as there may be hug stalkers around who are not secure in their sexuality[3]

Step Two - Ingenuity

Always show the other man what you are about to do. Never surprise a hugger, as you may soon receive a broken nose. Proceed towards them with your arms wide, your right hand roughly 20cm higher than your left, with your head tilted to the left. Lean back slightly, as this is a non-threatening stance and shows that you are not going to attack them.

Step Three - The Embrace

Mike and Barry fighting

You're doing it wrong.

Grip him firmly. There is nothing worse then a floppy, half-hearted attempt of a hug. Also take into account that if you look into the side of his head or his shoulder, this could be considered as inappropriate nuzzling, and you may soon have a broken nose. I have another leaflet if you require 24 hour medical cover.

Step Four - The Pat

This is a crucial part of any Man Hug. Pat your buddy’s back to show that you are both still men. You generally give about 3 - 4 strong pats, force deciding on how often you see your chum. Do not continue to pat after he has stopped, for obvious reasons. You may also give him two short thumps on his back if patting seems too feminine. NEVER under any circumstances thump, or pat aggressively, any woman of whom you may hug afterwards, as this will result in you crushing her spine or starting an argument. (In order to protect your manhood, consult the accompanying leaflet entitled ’How To Stop An Argument In 30 Seconds’).

Step Five - The Break

Make sure to make it a quick, clean break. Stand away from your buddy on the last pat or thump, taking care not to slide your hands over him in a lingering manner, as this may confuse him. If this does happen then you then it may mean you've been as sexually aroused by the encounter. If this occurs, then consult the fourth attached leaflet entitled ’How To Hide An Unwanted Erection’[4]

Do not be scared of Man Hugs. If you have never been told how to do it before, it is all a part of life and men have to break the mold someday and defy all expectations. Men are conscious beings; if they were to hug a man, then they would have to kiss their wives as a way of saying sorry, as women find it hard to find men who are attractive, sensitive and caring. They may have already acquired boyfriends for just such a purpose. If you have planned ahead with your meeting with your buddy, then make sure you do not drink both crates of beer before you Man Hug your mate goodnight. Your partner may become jealous, though the only time a wife knows where her husband is every night is the day that she is called a widow.

Conclusion

So there you go and with this guide and the leaflets, you will never need to be awkward again about how to conduct a Man Hug in future. Ok, well if you excuse me, I have to get changed and head off to see a musical. Now where did I leave my black leather pants...?

References

  1. When I use 'You' I am talking to men here. Women are excused from reading the rest of the article.
  2. A welcome pack is provided as well if you ask me nicely.
  3. The could also be French where man hugging (and cheek kissing) is 'de rigueur'at all social occasions.
  4. Unless of course you don't want to hide this but then I don't think my advice will be of much use here.

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