HowTo:Hold a Handbag Like a Man
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“Handbags are for poofters and girls.”
“It's a man-purse!”
You should know that men have to hold handbags sometimes. And it sucks, but it has to happen. And it has to happen because that's the way life is. And no one can help that, but you can learn to hold the handbag like a man. And then, the world will be like an oyster that is yours, but probably not exactly as enjoyable. Maybe a little more enjoyable, maybe a little less; I find it hard to give you a definitive answer. But take my advice, and know that even a world half as enjoyable as an oyster is more enjoyable than a world where everyone thinks you're a flaming homosexual because you can't hold a handbag like a man.
The Folded-Arms Technique
The folded-arms technique is cool, it's wicked, it's got all the right stuff. You could probably get away with holding a fricken pink speckled douche with this technique. That's how masculinisating it is. You wouldn't look queer at all, and that's probably the best way to look in these circumstances.
Simply stand with feet flat on the ground, shoulders pulled back, and arms folded, with the handbag tucked underneath your lean, muscular arms. Anyone who looks at you gets a cold, hard, masculine stare RIGHT IN THE BLOODY FACE, and they inevitably back down in feminine cowardice. Because you are the man, and even though you're holding your girlfriend's handbag, you are the man, and you will do whatever it takes to maintain your masculine manliness.
The Clenched-Fist Technique
This technique is for those people who aren't up for the proud display of masculinity mentioned above. I don't know who that would be. Probably an Englishman or something, but it's hard to say. In Australia as well as Scotland (where they hold handbags in their kilts), we have a proud tradition of not being poofs. The same can't be said for England, unfortunately.
Shuffling of feet and looking nervously at the ground are a must for this technique. Then you just hold the handbag in a clenched fist, and kind of stand until that sadistic bitch takes it off you. If you don't look like you're enjoying it, people might not think you're enjoying it, and they might not think you're a bloody ponce. But I guess that's debatable. Whatever the outcome, you just held a womans Handbag, and are now officially more gay then before.
The Throw-The-Bloody-Bag-At-Her-And-Tell-Her-To-Hold-The-Fricking-Thing-Herself Technique
This technique is considered to be basically self explanatory. Some caution is advised may cause severe rash and loss of sexual ability for several weeks to come. Known to be extremely dangerous, but in otherwise terminal situations worth a shot.
The give it to someone else technique
Just give it to someone else. Uh huh. Easy as that.
The "I'm a thief" Technique
When someone asks you to hold a bag, grab it and run away. Purse thieves are famous for their ability to hold all sorts of bags without looking like sissies, a fact that you can benefit from until you get arrested.
The Put-it-three-feet-away-from-yourself and look-the-other-way technique
Another very good technique that is commonly used to decrease unwanted attention. Generally people will look at the bag but not at you, remember it is very important that the bag be at least 3 feet away from yourself. This technique has the added advantage of preventing penis shrinkage, as recent studies have shown a direct correlation between contact with handbags and the disease known as penile withering.
Once the bag is in your hands, scan the premises for a good spot to hide the bag and move to another area where you can keep a close watch on it. This technique is flawless when executed properly.
The "One Hit Wonder" Technique
If you are asked to hold a bag, go through it and pull everything out of it for everyone to see. That person will never ask you to hold a bag again.
The "How-could-you-do-this-to-me" Technique
Drop the bag on the floor, walk out of the store, get in the car and drive home, and when she finally confronts you she'll be more pissed off about being stranded at the store, and then you can trump that by acting offended as all hell that she would have so little respect for you as a man and as much as accuse you of being gay by asking you to hold a woman's handbag, when you know damn well there's probably tampons inside it, and panty liners, and lip gloss, and other feminine crap infested with cooties, and because the male ego is so fragile she's more than likely to fall for it.
DOs and DON'Ts
- Listen to bands like Dream Theater, Megadeth, Sepultura, or that kind of stuff. No metal heads are poofs, except possibly for screamo listeners. And Rob Halford.
- Stare people in the face when they are looking at you or the bag - MAKE THEM FEAR!
- The "Evil Eye" is also another way to intimidate passersby.
- Fart often and loudly. Nobody flatulent owns a handbag.
- Wear sunglasses, very dark ones.
- If you have a hood, wear it. It makes you look that much manlier
- Keep glancing at your watch. This will make people think you are waiting for someone. In this case, the
bitchwoman who owns the bag.
- Call a mate and speak very loudly about chicks, beer and hard rock/metal music.
- Be sure to scratch you hindquarters and/or shift your scrotum from time to time. Women rarely make these actions; partly because of a higher respect for public behaviour mandates, partly because they don't have scrotii.
- Remember to flex so they see that you're too manly for the bag.
- Dance the Charleston
- Put it on your lap if sitting down
- Pick your nose
- Put the handbag on the floor. People won't see you as a flaming homo, but the handbag owner will probably kick you in the gonads.
- Hold it while enjoying lollies. Especially pink or purple spiral-pattern lollies.
- Brush any dirt off it - people will think it's yours.
- Hold it while singing Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, or other girly pop songs.
- Wear it on your shoulder.
- Gaze at it as if you like the damned thing.
- Wear Aberocrombie and Fitch or Hollister.
- Look at its contents.
- Check your lipstick in the matching compact's mirror.
- Put on lipstick in the matching compacts mirror
- Exclaim that anything is "cute!"
- Ask anyone if it makes you look fat.
- Run madly into an intersection, and throw your handbag straight up in the air because you think you're going to make it after all.
Do you need help with that, Mister?
In certain and extreme cases a preference might develop for a particular type of purse, handbag, clutch or micro bag. From "preference" to "fetish" however, is a very short and dangerous leap. This could present a problem to your masculinity. Spot this problem and nip it in the bud, immediately. If you find yourself insisting that your wife wear the black leather matte finished Coach saddle style bag with every outfit, including her beachwear, you need help.
Take the bag to your local pub (or bar), stand in the centre of the establishment and announce that the patrons are a bunch of Nancy Boys in need of a good thrashing and you are just the man who can do it. Their immediate reaction will force you to drop the bag in order to defend yourself from a good beating. Before you know it your new found mates will be beating you senseless and bloody. When the room goes dark, you will be on the road to recovery. After the drubbing is finished, and your fetish cured, offer to buy every chap a pint and begin to bond again with manly men as God intended.
However, if you succeed in not only surviving the ordeal, but also in defeating your opponents, you do not need to be cured as you have succeeded in holding the bag like a man. Buy a round for good measure.
The path to holding a handbag like a man is long and winding, like this conclusion. Many may be tempted to give up, and continue to hold a handbag like they are girly-girls. But, the end result is worth it. Those who hold their handbags like men will stride on to wars, and get the women. Do you want the women? Yes? Then practice hard and train fiercely, because in the end, all the hardships and trials you face on the way to holding your handbag like a man will be worth it.