HowTo:Have a Wacky Misadventure
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Are you a college student looking to get laid? Are you a young person hunting for booze late at night with your buds? Are you and your fratmates under quadruple-secret probation and you're just trying to get laid? Then you may be in need of this guide on having "wacky misadventures". God! They're just so wacky! Wacky and hilarious! hahahaha ENOUGH MERRIMENT.
edit The Equation
First of all you need the equation. You don't have to understand it, but it sure looks cool when drunk! And when you spin it and you're high... it just blows your f'in' MIND, man!
edit Necessary Elements
In order to have a wacky misadventure, all persons involved must be a little "off" if you know what I mean. There's gonna have to be some booze involved. Also, be sure to commit hilarious crimes along the way to whatever it's you're doing. You gotta have crimes. Oh yeah, and be sure to be drunk and/or stoned while you're committing them. The second section will give you an idea of the necessary crimes.
edit A Virgin
Every coming of age tale... get it? coming? HAHAHAHA STOP LAUGHING. Every coming of age tale needs to have a reason for why they're coming of age. In the case of a wacky misadventure, you need to sacrifice a virgin. In the real world, a large minority of guys are virgins. In the movie world, every guy has secks at least nine times a week except for the one guy who is begging to his gods for Star Trek to come back on the air. YOU MUST FIND THIS MAN. He will probably be wearing some kind of red uniform, and will call you "sir". Oh, and look for glasses, too. He's gotta have glasses and know how computers work (Luckily, I have no idea what I'm doing, so I can't be who you're looking for). Look for overalls, too. Oh, and the dude sleeps with a teddy bear. Yeah. But it's okay, because he can use his hacking skills to break into the coolest parties. It's totally insane, man! HAHAHHAHA SHUT UP.
edit A Main Character the Audience Can Identify With
Unfortunately, every wacky misadventure needs a straight man. Like Jon Stewart to the Daily Show, you need some clean, handsome guy who is just trying to find true love in this crazy, crazy world of grown-ups. If I were you, I would have him killed off early, but that's up to you. He's basically going to say how what you guys are doing "is wrong" and "immoral," especially during the "sex crimes" portion of your escapades. Maybe that bastard goes to church or something. Anyway, kill him off, that's all I'll say.
edit The Jock
No wacky misadventure is complete without the jock. He must be very jockish. This means he is masculine: really, extremely masculine. As in too masculine for comfort. He, of course, plays sports, and is straight, and I mean really, extremely straight. Think smack-your-butt-to-motivate-you straight. But the most important aspect of your average wacky misadventure jock is that he is insecure, and I mean really, extremely insecure. As in I-wish-I-could-be-a-florist-instead-of-a-football-player insecure. In the end he resolves these feelings, of course. He even defies his parents at one point near the end and always ends up as a sensitive outed homosexual. And I mean really, extremely ho-- I'll go on.
edit A Crazy Party Guy
Where will all the booze and pot come from? Who will know where all the idiotic parties are? Who will know how to get a fake ID? Who will know how to get laid on demand? Who can tell you when the new Judd Apatow movie will be in cinemas? This guy will. I bet he has, like, eight fake IDs. Be sure that the fake ID is really, really outrageous. It has to be from some other country, like Germany, obviously, and it has to say that you're way older than you really are. Oh, and make sure the name is ridiculous. Yeah, that would be so hilariously wacky! AHAHAHHA STOP LAUGHING DAMMIT.
The crazy party guy has done this "wacky misadventure" several times in the past, and is considered the master of both (A) getting booze and (B) getting chicks, not necessarily in that order. He is looked up to by the other members of the broken down van's roadtrip across... wherever it's traveling across.
edit People Chasing You
A wacky situation or a serious misadventure can't cross paths unless there are lots and lots of different groups of people chasing you. In The Case of Johnny and the Wacky Misadventure, a real-life misadventure, the gang was chased by no less than four cops, three cult members, nine Mexicans, five World War 2 veterans, a busload of nuns, a puppy, and two secret service agents. When you have your own misadventure, be sure to write out exactly who you would like to chase you, and then promptly go to one (or, preferably, all) of their conventions and steal their booze during the break: it's the fastest way to get people to chase you. Especially if they're a religious group, as you will have their god(s) after you too. Oh, and don't be surprised if your house / dorm / frat building's windows get smashed by a particularly spiteful deity.
edit A WaCkY Theme Song
When you're pulling your wacky hijinks, be sure to have some weird-ass old-time-y song playing in the background. The most commonplace theme song is "Louie, Louie" from the 1960's or some shit like that. Make sure that it's just crazy enough to make the hijinks you're pulling off hilarious, or else what the hell is the point? Louie, Louie... ooohh nooo!
If you can't find something like that, you will find a suitable indie song in The UK's top 20 music charts. I can guarantee that.
edit Necessary Crimes You Have To Commit
When you're having a wacky and/or hilarious misadventure, you've GOTTA commit crimes along the way. Make sure the crimes are hilarious in their own right. A note to you misadventurers: don't worry about being arrested, it's only a movie!... I think.
edit Underage Drinking
Teen drinking is very bad. Now we've cleared that up, the main motivation of everyone you're with in this escapade is to get drunk. And I mean really, really drunk. As in my-liver-is-failing-and-my-brain-is-melting, I-am-partially-blind-and-I-will-do-literally-anything-regardless-of-morals, but-my-hangover-will-only-last-thirty-seconds-for-no-apparent-reason drunk. That's the scientific term. Being drunk has no bad consequences in a truly wacky misadventure. In fact, even when really drunk, characters can still be slightly coherent.
edit Stealing the Mascot
Every American, according to some statistics I made up, has stolen either their rival school's or their own school's mascot at sometime in their lives. Stealing the mascot is a tough one. Usually it's a bronze statue, but in the most wacky of misadventures it's a real live animal. Usually something like a cougar, a panther or a cougar-panther crossbreed. It could even be a horse or, if you're feeling adventurous, a cougar-horse crossbreed. HAHAHHAHAHA COUGAR-HORSE! STOP LAUGHING ITS NOT FUNNY. Be sure to steal it in the middle of the night, and piss everyone off during the course of aforementioned absconding.
edit Kinky, Illegal Sex
The sex that is had on this wacky misadventure has to fall into the "oh that's gross" category for it to be truly wacky. However, there must not be any gay sex. That's way too gross for the 21st century audience.
A good example would be having sex with an uggo. You would only do it once, and would only get bugged about it for 30 minutes before your friends would forget. You could also have some truly wacky bestiality. Choose an animal that's not easily found: something you have to search for. Choose a hilariously dangerous animal to have sex with while drunk, like a cougar or something. Make sure to get eaten.
edit Time Travel
Although not technically a crime, it's advisable that you and your buddies travel time. It's not too difficult. The movie will provide you with a reason and a means to go back in time if you haven't thought it up already. We know you're way the hell too stupid to travel time on your own, what with all the booze and girls, but you have to travel time in order for this misadventure to be completely wacky.
Try to go through time and commit great acts of juvenile crime throughout history. Go through this list and get creative! Steal the 10 commandments (the mascot of Christianity)! Drink at the original Caesar's Palace! Drunkenly rape the great herds of North American buffalo before they were killed! Be sure that you're being chased through said time periods as you're committing your necessary crimes. WACKY! WACKY AS HELL!
edit A Word Of Warning From A Fuckin' Scientist
Make sure that people aren't dying. If somebody dies other than the main character that the audience can identify with, make sure you're not in a horror movie. If ugly or minority characters start dying, be careful, as there's a 99% chance you're in a teenage horror flick. Don't let your crimes get out of hand. Every single American has stolen their school mascot, but not every American has committed cannibalism. Be sure that when you're stealing the school mascot or getting that fake ID that you don't start eating people to steal their thoughts. That's bad. I'm a fuckin' scientist.
edit Now You're Ready
Now that you have your virgin, jock, main character, theme song, fake ID, booze, and mascot, you need to head out on your misadventure. Be sure to make one serious point along the way, and, most importantly: TO HAVE FUN. (CAUTION: YOU MAY NOT HAVE FUN.)
You may think that I've been heartless and calculating in my guide; that wacky misadventures are all about the experience, and, of course, free love. Any such claims will, with no mercy, be refuted with cold, hard as stone evidence. And of course, more equations. Lots more.