HowTo:Have White Teeth
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Ever since high school you've been an outsider. People generally dislike associating with you, and you have never had a girlfriend (Or a boyfriend if you are a girl, or if you are a guy with an "alternative lifestyle"). There are many possibilities why your life is like this, but if you are a Texan,a homeless person, or an Asian, chances are that the burning hatred your fellow humans express towards you originates from your bad oral health.
edit Step 1: Admitting you have a problem
We all like to pretend that we live perfect lives, but when it comes to Oral health, you can not pretend everything is okay. This is not "Clean Teeth in 2 Minutes a Day". This is a lifestyle change. "So..." you are probably wandering, "How do I know if I have a problem?" Just by subconsciously creating that thought , you have confirmed that you have a problem. No self-respecting human being would ever question their Oral health, unless there is an issue with it.
If you call 1-800-793-1408 within the next ten minutes, we will ship you a FREE* copy of Dr.Deagle's revolutionary Oral health book, "How to be happy with your teeth!" The book is loaded with useful, informative tips about keeping your Oral area happy and stimulated.
- The quoted price does not include taxing, shipping and handling, or the actual cost of the item. Shipping outside of the Mexico City metro area is subject to taxing by Mexican local, state, and federal governments. Please allow 5-8 business weeks for shipment.
edit Step 2: Get, and use, the Tools
There are some essential tools you need if you ever want true Oral pleasure. First, off a tooth brush. If you are an American, you have probably been brain washed into thinking that all tooth brushes are the same. Wrong! Tooth brushes are like people; some are better than others. I suggest you buy the most expensive tooth brush, so your friends will be even more jealous!
You will also need mouth wash. Don't get the bubble-gum type stuff. Get the kind that burns your mouth, like Listerine.. You will also need some floss, to get clean in between the teeth. If you have less than 5 teeth, then you don't need the floss.
With three, twenty minute brushing sessions each weak, you will be well on your way to being slim, trim, and sexy! Just what are you suppose to do, you may be questioning. Well, I can't tell you that here, people would be beating down a path to my mansion if I said that on some place like the internet. Let's just say, anything!
edit Step 3: Visit the Dentist
Visiting the Dentist can be hard, because he touches you in strange places, and makes you feel uncomfortable. He always says "don't worry, I'm a dentist." At the end of the day though, you have to go. He brushes your teeth with a mega-tooth brush, then makes you bite some kind of foam (Which comes in Cherry AND Bubblegum).
Also, he may sometimes bring out his little friend(Which he reffers to as his "bitch" around his friends), "The Drillinator". Of course, he will use that if you look like you have the money to pay for it, and since you had bad teeth (like the past-tense usage there?), he will probably assume you're poor.
edit Step 4: Enjoy
You now have, sexy, shining white teeth. You go to your High School reunion, and people are fighting just to see your face. Your X-wife is paying you child support, and your boss just gave you a promotion. News stations are interviewing you, begging for your secret. All you do is nod your head in the direction of this Uncyclopedia article, with your new shining white teeth, as a tear falls from your eye.