HowTo:Go back in time and assassinate Hitler with a weapon that has a homemade silencer on it
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“It isn't even hard to assassinate Hitler, I don't get what all the fuss is about”
“Vhy is everybody so vorked up about assassinating me? I really don't zee vat zey vant!”
“Hey, get the fuck out of my shop!!”
So, you're reading this article (Holy shit, I must be psychic or something) and want to go back in time and assassinate Hitler with a weapon that has an improvised/ home-made silencer attached. Well, read on.
The following article contains extremely accurate information and should be regarded as absolute truth. Anything else is strictly prohibited and will result in
nothing of great consequence happening something bad happening... probably... maybe.
edit I'm 12 and what is a Hitler?
Hitler is that guy with the moustache and one bollock. No, the other one.
edit OK, where do I start?
Well, first we should get ourselves a weapon. I would recommend a firearm of some type, because otherwise there would be no reason making a silencer, dumbass.
edit Which firearm should I get?
I'm thinking a rifle, because pistols are small like
my your cock and bigger is better, so fuck that shit. Also, shotguns are pretty badass but only if you can hold them sideways and fire and cock them with one hand, which you can't. Machine guns don't exist, so they are not an option.
This leaves rifles, which have long range and can detect enemies' heartbeats if you put an LCD screen on them, which is an added bonus.
There are many methods.
- Obtain some magical paper (sometimes referred to as 'money' or 'currency')
- Go to a gunstore and exchange the magical paper for a rifle.
- Ask politely for the gun dealer to give you a rifle for free, claiming that it is 'for the greater good'.
- When this fails, smack him in the face with an improvised weapon.
- Steal the rifle and then go to a random chatroom and spam 'lololololololol' until you are booted.
Seeing as you want to go back in time and murder Hitler, you are probably crazy, and the type of person who owns a rifle anyway. Just use the rifle you own already (remember, it is your fate to use that rifle!).
edit How do I make a silencer?
Well, you get a PVC pipe and fill it with washers and shit, and then drill some random holes that release
gasses evil demons. Oh, you wanted something a bit more complex?
edit How does a silencer work and shit?
- A silencer has three main sections
- Section 1 is used to reduce/ absorb heat
- Section 2 lowers the bullet to/ below sub-sonic speeds
- Section 3 reduces the libido of the bullet
edit Aside from getting a PVC pipe and filling it with washers and shit, are there any other methods?
You can get a 2L soda bottle and fill it with newspaper, then attach it to the barrel of your gun.
- Note: Emphasis on 'can'. It doesn't work, although it is still possible to make if you so desire.
edit So I have a silencer and a rifle, now what?
Attach the two together, smartass.
Fuck you and stop dicking around. yall need to get da fuck otta here hes a good man
edit No, but seriously!
Use duct tape, as long as you don't mind it flying off if you are using a weapon that harnesses more power than say, yo momma's little finger.
Otherwise, you will have to hit the workshop and get the silencer screwed onto the barrel.
edit OK, I've got my silenced rifle and I'm totally confident that it will not only silence the firearm, but also keep the bullet on a straight path, and totally not fall of uselessly, now what?
You need a time-machine.
There are only 2 ways of acquiring one.
The easy way
The harder way
Plagiarise Doctor Who's ideas and time-machine. Don't worry, I'm sure he wouldn't bother patenting such a useless invention.
edit Reasons why you must use a TARDIS/ TARDIS imitation
Because they are bigger on the inside... somehow, and this is awesome. Do not question it.
edit How to build a TARDIS
While it may appear complicated, it is actually very easy.
The first step is to make a big blue police box. This is necessary.
Once finished, construct some consoles in weird shapes with unnecessary LED's everywhere. This is also necessary.
Somehow it will all fit together and form a time machine.
edit OK LETS GO AND KILL HITLER!!!!!!111111!!!shift+1!!!!!
Er... pull the lever then.
No, the other lever. NOT THAT ONE!
Holy shit, you're fucking retarded. I'll do it.
edit Where are we?
Germany in the mid 20th century.... why, what were you expecting, a night club in the year 3000? Oh.. you were? Whatever, it doesn't matter, we're here and that's that.
edit I'm scared of the dark :(
Cool story bro, but seeing as it is daytime I hardly see how this is relevant. We need to kill Hitler and we have no time to waste.
edit So, where do we find Hitler?
That's a good question.
edit I see him!
edit Oh, no... I meant that famous guy
edit You know, the one with that little toothbrush moustache???
What? That IS Hitler!
edit SHIT! What do we do now?
YOU FUCKING SHOOT HIM!!
edit With what?
What the hell do you mean? With the goddamn silenced rifle we spent hours obtaining!
edit But... I left that in the stolen time-machine..
Why the hell did you do that?
edit I didn't realise we were assassinating Hitler, I thought we were going to a nightclub, remember?
OK, let's just relax, all we have to do is go back to the TARDIS and retrieve the rifle.
edit Um... I think he's noticed us!
Shit, what did he say?
Oh fuck no.
Let's get to the TARDIS, ASAP.
edit An hour later
OK, there he is.
edit Dude, is he masturbating?
Yeah, but it doesn't matter.
Aim for the head.
edit In conclusion
- Make sure that the silencer is loosely fitted on the barrel of the rifle to improve efficiency
- Always aim for the head, especially when dealing with Nazis, or Zombies, or Nazi Zombies, like in CoD:WaW
- Always assume that any time-travelling trip is going to be one where you assassinate a fascist leader, as opposed to going to a nightclub.
- Take note of the toothbrush moustache. NEVER FORGET THE MOUSTACHE!