HowTo:Go Skydiving Without a Parachute

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for suicide?
Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
“ Well it's all good fun. That is until you hit the ground.”
~ Oscar Wilde on skydiving without a parachute
“That's dangerous!”
~ Captain Obvious and Captain Understatment on skydiving without a parachute

Well hello there. Look at you! You smell like you haven't showered in the last three years, you look like you just got attacked by Jehovah's witness, and you probably haven't got laid in the last... well ever.

Well my friend, I know what can blow off that stench, make the ladies think that your the most daring man alive, and make you look like... well I can't work miracles, but it will make you more, well "human".

What you need to do is go Skydiving, without a parachute. No we don't mean die, haha! We mean risk your life and hopefully most unlikely not die.

Come on man, what are ya chicken? Buck Buck BUCKA!... Whoa you make out with your mother with that mouth?... what's that... how will you survive you say?... umm..well...theres...uhg... I'll show ya! Just read along.

edit Some Prep Work, well ya there actually a few ways to fall out of a plane without a parachute and fall from over 10,000 feet in the air and survihahaha!..hmh...uh...sorry about that, i just remembered a funny joke...

Anyways, as i was saying there are actually multiple ways to survive the fall, but keep in mind all of these are dangerous and must be preceded with absolute precision. But you look like you are skillful, and agile so I'm sure you'll do just fine! But before you go just sign this little form right here, ya know it's nothing just, some I.D and...stuff.

What is my finger covering? Oh nothing just a little something saying that If and when you die, in no way or form am i responsible for your death and/or injuries and will take possessions of all of your belongings , but nothing important. Just sign...and there we go all settled, now let me show you how it's done!

edit The Methods

There are very few methods on how to survive this fall because few people have been stupid daring enough to do this. Now the following are methods that have been proven to be successful in the past...sorta.

edit Take your Partners

Oh, this one is a beauty, can't you see the humor behind you jumping out of a plane unprepared, then moving over to your partner, then just jack his parachute and watch him plummet to his death while you safely land! Hahah!...what? You don't well I did, ehum, I mean, nah I don't either!

There is actually more than one way to do this, one is that you move over to your partner, tell him whats that while pointing at the bottom of his zipper. Then when he looks down, unzip the zipper of his suit while snagging his parachute. And while he starts to scream in fear, flick his nose! You can do almost the same method but by asking for a hug instead!

The last method is to simple punch him out while falling, and jack his stuff with ease!

edit Use your Partner


A Strong suggestion would be to knock you partner out with this one, although that does make it less fun.

This one is even easier to do than the last one, just not as successful. What you do is you move over to your partner and rip off his parachute, while still free falling give him a huge bear hug from behind and don't let go. While getting near the ground, you may choose to jump on his back and then jump of before impact, thus making his fall just that much worse, or to stay in that bear hug and scream.

edit Hide and Go Die

Oh boy this one is my personal favorite. First, before you go paint a giant target that will be visible from the sky in your front law. Second call a friend or some you hate over, tell them that your gonna play hide and go seek and put him in the center of the target. Now you tell him to count to a million. By the time that brainless idiot gets to 200 you'll be jumping out of the plane. When falling aim for a bulls-eye, and by the time that idiot hits zero BOOM you land on him. Haha! The irony of this is that the poor old idiot doesn't even know he's announcing the countdown to his own death!

edit Before you Take Off

Alrighty, your all ready to go, you got your stuff all signed and the helicopter is waiting. Now just a question before you go, what method are you using, because depending on your answer my Step Mother might be your partner.

So what's it gonna be?

The poll was created at 04:52 on July 12, 2010, and so far 46 people voted.

O.k good to know! Well good luck. It was nice knowing meeting you see you at your funeral!...or not.

Personal tools