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Throughout history much has been said for the merits of hard work and determination. You believe in neither. You are a true American dreamer; a person who has actually gotten Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from lottery scratch offs. Many times you've gotten that second instant win prize revealed only to not find the third... and lose once again.
A great man once said to take the path less traveled. Taking that path is a good plan, or at least the one we are concerned with. Still not sold on it? Let's do some math.
100 fellow students in your graduating class + 100 good jobs = 100 houses full of nice stuff
1 you (Hopefully, I mean you haven't been cloned, have you?) + no job = one very empty basement at mom's house
As you can see, you are in the minority here. So, any path you take is definitely less traveled. Just because you have no future prospects doesn't mean you can't have nice stuff. If you don't want nice things, you should go back to World of Warcraft, as you must have ended up here by mistake. On the other hand, if you really want to improve your standing in life, please continue, as we are here for you.
So you've decided to steal stuffEdit
Great, you have what it takes. First, you will have to get some things out of the way, because you can't go out like that. How long have you been wearing those underwear, anyway? Rest assured, we are here to help.
Let's start with the "threads". Any burglar worth his salts needs a uniform to wear. You need to truly dress for the part. It will define you as a serious member of your newly adopted vocation. First, pants. You do own some, don't you? You will want to go dark with these, preferably black. No, not the jeans, they are too tight. You do know your size, don't you? Think ninja, you want to be able to move freely. It is key to survival. Besides, you have a culture to represent here. Do you want to look professional, or do you want to look like 50 pounds of crap packed into a 10 pounds bag? Outstanding, black sweat pants. Good choice. Yes, the shorts are more comfortable, but with those legs, it's a bad idea. That reminds me: put a tanning bed on the list of things to jack. Now, the perfect shirt equals part comfort and part functionality. A black shirt is best here. What the fuck? A black Hello Kitty t-shirt? Really? Let's butch it up a bit. Besides, if this endeavor goes south, do you really want Hello Kitty in the mugshot? Let us continue. Good, black gloves, black shoes... Are we seeing a trend here? No, no need to go all "black face" here. Put down the make-up. It is a proven fact that when reporting a break-in most witnesses will automatically see a black suspect. Use this to your advantage. Go pasty.
ToolsEditNow is a good time to pick your arsenal. You will need to follow this closely, extra stuff here means less things you can appropriate. A good, sturdy loot bag is key to your success. Let's see... that old military duffel is perfect. You know, the one your grandfather had in WWII. So what if it has his name on it? He has been dead for years. Worst case scenario, you drop it and the cops are baffled because the prime suspect passed away years ago. It will never get back to you. A good screwdriver or two would also be great here. It would also be a good idea to sharpen one of them, in case you have to stab a guard. Oh, don't get squeamish now, you're a criminal. Besides, once again, if it all goes south, you could use the experience. By the looks of you, power tools are out. Let's just use that basement floor. This will aid you in prison when you will use this same technique on a toothbrush. Also, a large bottle of liquor would be nice. This tool is very important, as you will need it later. Last but not least, remember to eat a large meal a few hours before you go out. No need to go out on an empty stomach. You are now well on your way to being a criminal mastermind. Let's go shopping.
Hold it, it's still daylight. If you go out in that outfit, you will get pinched for sure. Wait until you have the cover of night. Think Batman, only without the bankroll. Kind of like a welfare Dark Knight, just without the hero complex.
Time to get startedEdit
Good, it's nearly dark out. Is the adrenaline flowing through your veins yet? Does the idea that if you screw this up, you could be shot by an angry homeowner with a 100 year old Shotgun used on safari in Kenya pump you up? Does the possibility of being beaten to a pulp by disgruntled cops who you just pulled away from donuts and coffee? Yeah, as if they aren't high strung enough already. Worked up yet? No? Damn you're a rock. Fine, try this. Pick up the computer keyboard. Place your hand on the table (be sure your pinky finger is extended away from the others). Raise the keyboard high above your head. Take several deep breaths, and make sure you feel the anxiety build up. You should take more breaths, as this will hurt a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a shitload. You may pass out. OK, now, move it in a downward motion with all your
non-existent limited strength. Hit yourself in the balls.
Oh shit. You really did it. I am very proud of you, now, shake it off (the pain, not your balls). Okay, you now feel the rush of adrenaline in your system. Your system is at its height. It is time to pick your target. There are many options to choose from.
Night 1EditFor your first night, we will go with the most deserted target. A department store, not a 24 hour mega store, just a small mom-and-pop joint. You will want to familiarize yourself with the merchandise first. We'll stick to a sale catalog, no need to take an extra trip casing the joint. Ah, that's the ticket, a top of the line laptop. Complete with all the bells and whistles (that girl from down the street will be all over you). Wipe the drool off your face! Focus please! OK, throw in an iPod, a flat screen TV, and a few other goodies. You now have a respectable shopping list. Let's head out. What, you're grounded? Damn it man! You're like what, "30"? OK, OK, settle down. Tell mom you have a date. See, look at that glimmer in her eye. She is so overwhelmed with happiness. Just the prospect of you being straight makes her so happy, she can only say yes. What? And she threw in a ride too? You are a quick learner. Now you are in front of the store. It goes without saying that you lack the skill to pick the lock, so we will go with the old "rock in the window" approach. Be sure to pick a rock about the size of a brick, after all, you're not exactly He-Man. That one will do, get a feel for it, now. Hurl the rock at the big display window. Good job, that was frigging loud. Now you are in, so there is no going back now. Hurry and get to the good stuff. Imagine you are on a shopping spree. You grab only the good stuff. Put the collectible action figures back. You couldn't resist, could you, geek? Stick to the high-end electronics. Wait, is that a siren? Don't panic, I'm here to help. This was a contingency that was planned for. Quickly, take out the bottle of liquor. Chug it. Yes, I know mommy will get pissed if she finds out. Be a man, kill that bottle now. There, that's better, now act drunk. Use the screwdriver to rip up your clothing. They are in the store now. It's time to act drunk. Wait, you are drunk (you really are a chump aren't you.) Good, now lay on the floor. The officer is right on you now, quick, try to fart. Try harder! Very good, you just shit yourself. There is no way he'll take you in now. As soon as he escorts you into the alley, barf on yourself. Good job, you are now a criminal prodigy. Now, stagger away into the night.
Well, you just slept in puddle of vomit in the doorway of a crack house. This was a good call. No one would suspect a criminal mastermind to be in this place. Take a couple of minutes to shake off the hungover feeling. Now, congrats, you survived your first night of crime. Still hungry for the good life? No? What kind of screwed up loser are you? Run through that crack house yelling white power. Change your mind, did you?.... Good call, now we are ready for night two. Let's go for one of those Yuppie assholes in the suburbs of town. They always have nice shit. Also, they tend to take long vacations. Go home and clean up first. See, your mother doesn't even notice the stench of shit and puke. As far as she is concerned, you shacked up with your date last night. She is thrilled you may have actually lost your virginity. Cheer up, it will happen soon. Wow, you really clean up well. And a new uniform. Very good, it is like second nature to you now. You are the man! Let's go get our spoils. Nice choice, look at that lawn. It would take a gang of Mexicans hours to mow. They would probably pay them next to nothing. Disgusting, isn't it? Why, when I think of it... Well, let's just say it's wrong. Why can't you take advantage of illegal aliens? Because you're not rich. Then again, that's why you are here, isn't it? We will help you with that. Soon, you'll have it all, and you will be well on your way to financial independence. Screw the wetbacks, you will be too loaded to care. Time to get in. No, don't use the rock this time. Just walk in the front door. It's unlocked, as people in this neighborhood don't fear crime. Criminals never leave the hood. Their arrogance is your fortune. Well, that was easy. Now, make a break for the media room. Holy shit! They have a theater in their house. There are enough DVDs to build a house out of. Start bagging them up. See, the bag is full. Run to the kitchen to get a trash bag. Damn! These trash bags are so thick they are practically canvas. If your mom had these, your neighbor's dog would never even try to screw with them. Let's get more stuff. The next room is the bedroom. This is where the money is. Stop for a second and look at all of that jewelry. It's like a store. You are so in there now. Stuff the bag. OK, time to go. I can hear those damn sirens again. Wait, put that bottle down. Oh no, you shit yourself! Pay attention, quit going for extra credit! No need to use that tactic. Here. Simply walk out of the back door. See, you are home free. Let's go home and tally up the loot. Nice haul, let's sleep on it and figure out what to do with that jewelry tomorrow.
Finding a good fenceEditThere is no easy way to go about doing this. Most pawn shops require the seller to provide I.D. in order to establish a paper trail back to thieves. They are governed by laws that protect the victims of crime. We don't need one of those. First, go to the bad side of town. The real bad side. The ghetto. Once you find a good shop, go inside. Hey, inside...Look, friend, step away from the hooker! This is not how to get laid. Besides, look at her. No, REALLY look at her. She looks like her pimp is having a "Scratch And Dent Sale". Do you really want gonorrhea? I didn't think so. Look at the guy behind the counter. Give a sinister gaze. Are you going to shit again? A little less intense. Ask him, hypothetically, if he buys really warm items. This is key, as saying hot items throws up a red flag. Give him a minute to realize you're too gay looking to be a cop. There, see? His silence says it all. He's no longer smiling. You are so in. Wait patiently as he locks the front door to handle this transaction in secret. Now dump out your booty.Jesus fucking Christ! The jewelry! The jewelry! That's better. Now, let him ponder the great riches he is about to give up. Look at the size of that roll of cash he pulled out of his pocket. What? Twenty bucks? What horseshit! There is at least a hundred grand in stones there. Tell him to piss off. Hold on, he is going for the big bills. They keep them under the counter. Pawn shop etiquette 101: never settle on the first offer. They will always haggle with you, after all, you are the ruler of your destination....... Don't look now, he pulled out a shotgun. Don't run, the door is locked. Besides, the spread on that model will cover most of the store front. Take a moment to admire his choice in weapons. He's a pro in his field, as well. Aspire to be him. Take the twenty bucks you have won. After all, you were broke a minute ago. Only a couple thousand more jobs and you will be a millionaire. Besides, we now have a good standing in this establishment. He is your Fence. Go home and watch a DVD.
Back to the job at handEdit
Well, that was a very good movie, and well worth what you paid for it. You're welcome. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back. Are we feeling gangsta yet? Tonight we will hit the neighbor's house. Don't worry, they just left with a car full of camping equipment. There is no chance of them returning anytime soon. For this job you will need a crowbar. Honestly, look at your surroundings. The door is definitely locked. I mean, in this place, you will be lucky to hit the place before twenty or so other people get there. Security systems are not a problem, the fees for monitoring are way too expensive.
OK, it's night again. You feel alive, don't you? No need for a punch in the balls for you. You are amped. Ready to shop until you drop. For this job we will go to the back door. Look at it, there's no light back here at all. Note: Remember to change light at home. Place the crowbar in the door jam, about where the doorknob is. Get a good grip. Now pry it...Wow, you are strong. It just popped open ,with hardly any force applied to it at all. And look at all the wooden splinters. It looks like an elephant rammed it. In fact, it looks like it was already broken. Don't bother looking for high end stuff here. They only have crap. OK, here is what you came for. There, in the corner. That faint shadow. The one shaped like a man. Raise your crowbar. Now swing. Great hit. Now check his pockets. His wallet! Cool, there is at least three hundred bucks here. Let's see what he has in his sack. A bag full of toys. What a nerd. No, leave them there. You are no longer a child, you are a burglar, and you are one murder into a career as a serial killer. Don't look at me like that. Of course he's dead. Your crowbar is still stuck in his head. In case you missed biology class in high school, that's just not natural. Let's go home. We just made fifty bucks. You look puzzled...The $250 is our fee for keeping your crime quiet. Don't dwell on it. Just carry on, and get some sleep. Tomorrow is the advanced class.
Ooh, night four. You are almost there. After this, you will simply repeat this as necessary. For our final night, I have chosen a gang hideout. Hello? Hello? Come back here. You need this experience. It will hone your skills to a razor-sharp edge. First, go to an all-night department store. We need the most realistic cap gun you can find. No, Duke Nukem, you can't get the pink ray gun. You need to go for fear. OK, that cowboy gun will do. You don't need a real gun, as you couldn't hit a garbage bag if you were sealed in it. Don't take it personally, many people can't shoot (cops, the blind, your dead grandfather, etc.). We will need a new uniform for this job. Go with the dress. Brothers love white girls, and they aren't very picky. You will really have to put on a good act here. Don't be afraid to go down on the guy at the door. After all, you may once again need this experience if it all goes south. That's really funny, you have to go south...Anyhow, where were we? Oh damn, you just blew that guy! You didn't put up an argument, did you? Quit smiling! Go on with the caper. You're in now. Look for the loot. All respectable gangs have some sort of counting room. There it is, the mother load. Stacks of cash! Start stuffing your dress. As much as you can get. Now, run out into the street. Don't look now, but they are right on your back. You are so screwed. Quick, yell rape. Fifteen black men running and a white girl yelling rape...The cops will soon be there to help.
Now you are saved, and only after taking a mildly severe beating. Be prepared to go to jail, as soon as the cops finish laughing at you. Don't look so surprised. You are a severely beaten computer geek in drag. Let's just pray that your fellow inmates don't see these mugshots.
Now that you're locked upEditWell, we are away from those angry gang members. You also no longer live under mom's roof. You finally have your own place. Well, almost. Once again your electronic friends have you back. Unless you already have a tough sounding prison nickname, you will need to remember that toothbrush sharpening practice. It's about to pay off. Take a second to prepare your shiv. The sharpened tooth brush, stick with me now. Introduce yourself to your cellmate. Shake hands. Now, stab him in the neck repeatedly. Now scream bloody murder. No, don't yell rape. I mean, look where you are. It will not get any attention. Just yell loudly. Great, you got the guards attention. Soon they will put you in solitary. See? Now this is the life. You are the king of your domain. Did you really think a good nickname would help you? You were screwed for sure. What? You were screwed? Well, you're welcome. You are no longer a virgin. You are also a man. What more could you ask for? Besides, everything you get now is provided for you by the state. It's a win-win situation, isn't it? Once again, you're welcome.
P.S. - References will also help you get free stuff too:
- ↑ Job References = Job = Paycheck = "free" stuff... hm,m,m,m, maybe we should've told you that first...?
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