HowTo:Get into Heaven
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Hello. It looks like you're worrying if you'll go to Heaven or not. If you're worrying, that probably means you've done something utterly terrible in your life, like defrauding pensioners or sticking your gum under the desk. If that's the case, you're probably already screwed, but there's always a chance for redemption. According to some modern pre-conceptions, of course, anyone who lives in the twenty-first century will never get there, but these are the same people who think a Jewish zombie will save us all, so what do they know? Cast your peepers over the following article and you'll not only learn how to get into Heaven, but also how to make the most of your time there!
HowTo:Stop having fun in exchange for a ticket to heaven
If you want to get into Heaven, above all you must renounce a lot of important things, such as the joys of life. Sex, beer, beer with sex, and everything else that causes happiness is not allowed. Running around naked, yelling at politicians, lapping up beer from a midget hooker's cleavage, and stepping on the grass where it's clearly forbidden are also little transgressions that will keep you out of paradise. Cutting these things out of your life will make you miserable, and your life will have no real value. Take heart that in the end you will be able to meet Jesus and Mary and all those other guys associated with Buddhism, Allahism, and Christianity. And maybe Ned Flanders. It's worth losing everything for these guys though! No sex for me if I can just cuddle up to Jesus and maybe rub a little. And if I get lucky, stay good and not pick the boogers out of my nose and then eat them, maybe Jesus will give me a beer, or his mom will let me lap up a rum and pineapple from her boob crack. And did you know that in heaven you can also see Jesus on TV all day long! You'd rather have sex and beer? Your choice.
And another thing. According to the know-it-alls over at Christianity, you can't go to Heaven if you believe in any religion except Christianity (obviously). Other religions have expressed a similar statement relating to their own afterlife, so according to, say, Islamic belief, Christians won't be going to Heaven either. This creates a difficulty from the start in deciding which Heaven you want to get into. At this point the safest thing might be to pick the most peaceful of the various religions and go Buddhist, except they don't have a Heaven at all (although if you're lucky you might come back as something cool, like a tiger or Bruce Springsteen), which defeats the point. For the sake of this article, and preventing potential confusion and madness, we're going to go with Christianity, so that means Walt Disney, Mr. Gandhi, Richard Gere and Joey No Thumbs are all swimming in Hell right now. That means if you want to get to Heaven you will have to be a Christian. Okay, accept Christ as your personal saviour right now. No, not Hannah Montana, or Plastic Jesus. The Christ who's in your heart and causes heartburn. Did you do it? Yes? Good. Now let's continue below.
Now that you have reached your goal, another basic condition to be admitted in heaven is that you have to die. There are numerous ways to accomplish this feat. A pretty entertaining one is to pay a woman to kill you. At least that's what I think you pay women to do. Being a bad husband can do the same job for free but that would take a lot of time. She may seem reluctant to do this at first, but persuasion is your best friend. A useful phrase might be "I've gone without sex for twenty years! If you don't shoot me I'm taking it all out on you!" Most importantly, you have to die in a way that won't displease God, so no death caused by a doughnut or hamburger induced heart attack, endless sex, choking on a naked woman or dying by the fun drugs is allowed. Instead, you can die on a cross, or you can die while praying to god or something like it. If you are in the right frame of mind and as holy as an ant on Jesus's beard, dying sounds like lots of fun.
Now, before going to the churchyard or up on a cross or whatever, be sure to take some money with you so that you can buy souvenirs from the gift shop located at the entrance to paradise, or even better, you can act like one of those pharaohs and take with you everything you believe that will be useful in afterlife. A camera would also be a very good idea. This way you can take photos of the creatures living on the edge of the universe, such as unicorns and born-again dentists (Photos with Jesus or any other saint are not free, but they can be posted on the web). If taking photos is not your thing you can do it the easy way and buy one from the above gift shop. Also with a little more money you can travel to heaven in the comfortable Flying Coffin 11SX, powered by Vodafone.
OK, we are now getting closer to heaven. The first dead people will start appearing in front of you. The Flying Coffin will stop at a café called Jesus' Lunch Break for a lunch break. There you can go to pee, or have a snack, like rice soup or Indian food or whatever it is that monks and newly dead saints usually eat. Please be aware that the Lunch Break does not serve fried or cheesy snacks, and smoking is still prohibited.
OK, you are now in heaven
Well what about that! The journey is now coming to an end and you are about to explore the world of Heaven. There are some people here that you will know, and others who you can introduce yourself to because they seem rather interesting. Booths are set up along the edges where you can see things from a heavenly perspective, like what really happened to Tony Soprano in that restaurant, or answer questions like "Why did she dump me just when things were going so good?" You can even set up your own booth, and tell people what to do with their lives. You can meet up with grandma. She will be very happy to hear that her grandson became gay. Or you can talk to Jenny and tell her that life without her was awesome, so she'll be jealous.
Of course finding people in Heaven is not the easiest thing. There must be like, a hundred thousand million people there, give or take a Jew, but with a lot of courage you'll see it isn't hard to find someone inside a crowd of millions of people. No, wait a minute, I am wrong. Forgive me, I confused things with Hell; the number of the people living in Heaven is no more than two hundred, so finding someone there won't be really hard.
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Now if you ever feel bored you can always watch one of the movies they run on a loop, like Jesus of Nazareth, or you can even be one of the first people to watch a live broadcast of Sunday Church, at Heaven's 18-screen duplex cinema. If you want to do something more exciting you can always watch a porn movie like The Hot Nuns or Debbie Does Daniel, but don't tell anyone I told you about these, especially that white bearded guy. You can also go on a tour of Hell where you can meet some of the people who went there, because they make up the biggest part of the dead population (Hey, look, there's your mom!). If music is your thing, you can always swing by the Heaven Main Stage and check out famous music bands like Jesus and the Apostles or a more modern band which is Jesus Rockalations, the music supergroup consisting of Bon Scott on vocals, Jimi Hendrix on guitar, Mozart on keyboards, John Bonham on drums, God on bass, and Gabriel on harp. Their sound was described in BIBLE! magazine as "a bit bee-bop, a bit funk and a bit weird because Bon Scott hasn't cleaned out his throat since he choked on his own vomit. Nice rhythms, though."
Anyway, there are plenty of other things you can do in Heaven, but it's not my business to describe all of them, although you can find out about them at the information booths with a little extra help. I personally recommend the sacred cow tipping. I hope you're having a great time in heaven playing golf on clouds like it's seen on TV. If you find out that living in heaven is cool, you can always find a place for me as a reward for being an excellent guide.
And the best thing about being in heaven?
Now you can go get some sex and beer.
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