HowTo:Get back to London if you suddenly find yourself in France
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edit Preliminary checks
edit Making sure you're in France, and not some pretentious film
Okay first of all don't panic.. look around the train, what do you see? Are there any papers which have metro written on them? If so, you unfortunately find yourself in France. The French call their trainline the metro, or more accurately le metro, and diminishing attention spans in the nation mean there needs to be something to remind them where they are. Another tell-tale sign of being in France is that you become overwhelmingly sure of everything so the chances are you already know where you are, this does not necessarily mean you are right however, but that hardly matters does it?
edit The dangers of suddenly being in France
You may notice the metro logo is made up of the colours blue and white, what colour is missing to make up the French flag? RED!? That's right, you happen to be in France where the latest art movement is to graffiti anything lacking one of three colours that belong to the flag. Usually in France, there's a person holding a paint palette and an easel with copious amounts of red paint under his beret, but since this is the recession, we'll have to assume foreign blood is cheaper, is more poignant as far as art is concerned and now you're here, it's more easily obtainable. This means you need to escape the hell hole you suddenly realise you're in as soon as fucking possible. Fortunately, vampires are no longer a worry, so that's a load off your mind.
edit Blending In
Drop your fish, chips and carpets. Since we don't want to arouse suspicion that you may be foreign. Drop that caring attitude as well mister, it's not welcome where you are right now. It's vital to remind yourself that you do want to go home, so while you drop that caring attitude, write it down on an "important things to do" list and include a hand drawn picture in case any of the natives are watching you. Borrowing someone's easel to draw your picture may seem like a good idea, but what will the natives think if one of their own doesn't have an easel? Red paint is what.
Refer to this guide if you need more help blending in.
edit Getting Home
edit Planning your RouteConsult your nearest ticket officer and ask him how you get back to London as fast as possible.. at this point, the French ticket officer may say something like "Sacrebleu!".. In which case he is already being unhelpful, and you must find another ticket officer. Remember, as soon as they say "Sacrebleu!", it's time to move on. (Note: Wearing anything white maximises the chance of the ticket officer being unhelpful, since he is more likely to run off).
edit Getting Home
Clean yourself up with the wipes, lemon counteracts garlic very well. If you have been on the Eurostar recently, then you should know that you'll have to pass the sniff test, with the the rule of "if you smell like you've been in France for a while, then Britain probably doesn't want you." Let's hope you found a ticket officer mime in due haste to avoid national aromas sinking in deep. When all said and done, you should be in Britain again after boarding the Eurostar.. Jolly good show, old chap.
Of course, if you actually were in London all this time, then you can ignore the above advice. But start wondering how fast art movements spread.