HowTo:Get a boner

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Do you miss the part where your penis becomes very large and you boast it around your friends? Well, in this article, we will teach you how to get one, so in case if you're a girl, better not read this, but if you're a shim, well, I don't even care. Here is the official tutorial on how to get a boner.

edit Mastering the art of bonerism


This guy can teach us

. If you want to have a boner, you need to master the arts of bonerism. Lapu-lapu is a true man and he has taught his people how to get their bananas long and hard, hard enough to squash diamond and long enough to reach the tip of the Great Pyramid of Giza. He taught the people the elements of a good erection. It is as follows:
  • Correct vision - A wise man needs to get a boner AT THE CORRECT IMAGE. If you got a boner by looking at your grandmother then you're a true pussy (Or you just like granny porn), as in you're not manly enough.
  • Correct mass - Your dick must be erected in the correct mass. Failure to do so will result in a teeny tiny dick or a penis too big to fit in a vagina, even goatse.
  • Correct shape - The head should be round like the right portion of this letter "D". If it resulted to being pointy, you can never have sex with anyone ever again, for it is so sharp that it can leave injuries and scratches. Maybe I'll just stick with Penis jousting instead.
  • Correct weight - A penis that is too heavy can result in you having a bad time to "rise the flag". A penis too light can result in it sticking up your belly button, and I get nightmares thinking about it.
  • Correct toughness - A true penis is always tough, but being too tough can result in the inability to ejaculate. You should have a diet for now on.

edit Methods

There are many methods to get an erection, but here are the widely accepted ones:

edit Method: Porn

You need the following tools: 1 porno, 1 dick, and 1 room.

edit Steps

  1. Look/watch your chosen porno (either video, magazine or lesbian) inside a room (either haunted or in public, I don't care, share it with your friends)

Now, firmly grab your dick and rub it up and down very quickly, and when you feel as if you cannot feel your dick, keep going. Results: You have done it, my friend. You ejaculated. Now Wipe it in your blanket or something I don't give a fuck.

edit Method: Sex

You need the following tools: 1 horny girl, 1 penis, 1 (or 2) room(s)

edit Steps

  1. Cleanse your bladders of urine (or maybe pee on her if she likes golden showers)
  2. Have sexual intercourse (Either in your house or in public, or in a marching band)
  3. Get laid
  4. Ejaculate
  5. Release of hold
  6. fuck anally

Result: You had an erection, but you lost it as your ejaculated.

edit Method: Looking at your own ass

(Note: If you attempt to do this with diarrhea, I don't recommend you do this) You need the following tools: 1 toilet, 1 penis (as always), 1 rectum filled with solid hard crap, 7 very hard and very long strands of feces (As long as 12 inches each), 1 anus, 1 bathroom, 1 mirror, 1 bucket of thick dish soap substance to cover the water from your toilet

edit Steps

  1. Take a dump... Slowly... With your legs spread... And without letting the feces drop down from your anus
  2. While doing so, look at your ass using a mirror, and avoid looking at your penis
  3. Get an erection
  4. (optional)Touch the head of your dildo (or chode if you are into that) and BANG!

Result: You have done coprophilia. You are sick. I never wanna meet you ever again. Are you even watching 2 girls 1 cup?

edit Method: Viagra

You need the following tools: 1 to 3 tablets of viagra.

edit Steps

  1. Take some Viagra pills
  2. Wait...

Result: Congratulations! You had your very own boner without a reason. How stupid.

  1. If your Penis is hard after 3 hours it's working properly.

edit Method: Morning Wood

Well, this occurs almost every morning, so don't bother asking for the results.

edit Method: Faking it

You could put a potato inside your underwear, hell a small child is even better.

edit Method: Saucy Pony Overdose

Clopping (Masturbating by hoof) might be a good idea to be castrated because of how solid that hoof is. Otherwise get a horse chode in your mouth.

edit Method: Playing World of Whorecraft for too long

Like above, but without the horse feet.

edit Method: Necrophilia

The title is self-explanatory.

edit So, what'cha gonna do now?

That's it. You got your boner just right. Oh, and about the elements of a good erection? They're useless. Just go do everything you want until you made it to the sanitary confinement. Don't thank me, thank yourself for leading you to this mess. Why would people like you even listen to what I say? Oh, because you were so stupid to even listen to me, yeah, you, <insert name here> (Or anonymous, if that thing says "insert name here" or something). Still, it's nice knowing you. See you later, or not, just go boast about your huge dick to people you don't know and get horny chicks go near you. Or get many people laugh at you for being a complete idiot.

edit See Also:

Personal tools