HowTo:Get a Life
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Welcome to your step-by-step guide to transforming yourself from isolated geek to fully functioning adult. This short guide will demonstrate, in just four easy steps, how you can learn to:
- Leave the house looking like one of the normal people you see on infomercials half way through Star Trek;
- Have a conversation lasting more than 5 words which isn't conducted through the medium of 'Leet';
- Gain the skills to function without parental emotional and financial support.
- Listen to good music and don't listen to crap like Lady GaGa, Ke$ha or Katy Perry.
- Don't bugger off all the time to see your supposed friends who truely couldn't give a damn about you, the same with you on them.
- Probably best not to bitch slap your neighbours either.
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The process of getting a life is tough and must be performed with great delicacy; as such, your first social interaction carries along with it a moderate risk of circulatory shock and/or cognitive impairment. Uncyclopedia accepts no responsibility for death, serious injury, humiliation or loss of saved data which may arise from the improper use of this guide. If it all goes tits up, blame this guy if you really have to.
Step One: Preparation
As someone who has been isolated from direct human interaction, it's important to take precautions in order to prepare yourself for the coming challenge. Failure to follow these instructions will, in all likelihood, result in the termination of your quest to 'level up' in search of a real life.
Medical studies have shown that your typical geek diet, consisting of Red Bull, pizza, cereal, cheese slices, and Double Down is very effective in creating a highly reactive cyber-killing-machine. Although these attributes are generally considered desirable in the world of Resident Evil, in real life, such hair-trigger reflexes are frowned upon. Contemporary psychological data has shown that the victims of cold-blooded murder are often mourned, rather than teabagged.
Therefore, the first step in this potentially dangerous recovery process is to wean yourself from Red Bull. This action in itself is potentially dangerous, as caffeine withdrawal can cause headaches, nausea, drowsiness and poor performance in Halo 3. To break your dependence, simply follow these two simple steps:
- Lock your bedroom door
- Sleep for 5 days
Assuming that you pass this stage without committing suicide, you will be ready to move on to the next stage: eating like a human rather than a goat.
Eating and drinking healthily can be difficult for many inhabitants of non-Third World nations. It is important to remember that, while (unlike in Super Mario Brothers) more food does not equal more power, knowledge is not nourishment either. For the uninitiated, a balanced diet consists of the four major food groups: grains and pulses, fruit and vegetables, milk and dairy, and meats. However, while it contains all of the above food groups pizza is not a balanced diet; similarly, cold pizza is not comparable to cold cereal and therefore should not be consumed for breakfast, especially when served with milk.
Given that the human body is 75% water, it is important to ensure that you drink enough to keep yourself hydrated. Whereas in your previous non-life state your main priority was ensuring that you didn't have to interrupt World of Warcraft with a toilet break, in your real life state you need to make sure you stay alert and hydrated. This means drinking plenty of water, tea, coffee, and other non-alcohol based beverages. Soda and alcoholic drinks should be consumed in moderation; barbecue sauce does not count as a beverage at any time.
Personal hygiene is important. Think back to when you were little, and your mom's friend who looked after you used to smell of rotten cabbage? That's what you smell like. Seriously, no-one wants to deal with that.
It is now time to start taking regular showers. Like most things it is worth starting small; in this case, the sink is a good place to go. Here is the step by step process to work up to a full on shower:
- Start out simple. Turn the tap on and just rinse your face off under the faucet. Now, this probably feels a bit strange, but if you shut your eyes you'll find it stings a bit less.
- Next take some soap. Soap is a magical concoction which, when wet, will miraculously change your skin from grubby to clean as whistle. Wet your face as in step 1, and then after rubbing the soap in your hands rub it on to your face. Rinse it off again, and you have a clean face. Note: Do not let the soap get into your eyes! It will burn!
- It is finally time to try out the shower. Get your Mom to show you how to make it warm; cold showers can irrevocably shrink your genitals (more than they already have). Turn the shower on and adjust the temperature, then having expelled your mother from the bathroom stand under the stream of water for about 10 seconds. The idea being you will get used to the feel of the shower.
- After you have tried out step 3 for a few days slowly try longer and longer time periods each day until you can take a 10 minute shower with soap.
- Ask your mother to buy you some deodorant and cologne. From this point on you must shower every day and wear both the deodorant and cologne. Under your armpits and on your face. Do not balance them on your head.
For further progression, see our advanced guides at HowTo:Shave, HowTo:Wash your hair, and HowTo:Masturbate in the shower without making it obvious what you're doing.
You probably think that in an ideal world, we'd all just walk around naked. Well I'm afraid that's not the case. In an ideal world, beautiful women would walk around naked; everyone else should be appropriately attired. For you, this means that before venturing out of your mother's basement it is vitally important that you are clothed properly in the essential items: a shirt, pants, shoes & socks, and above all sunglasses. Actually, scratch that... whatever you do, make sure that you are not wearing pants.
By now, you should be beginning to look and smell like the guy from a real-estate commercial, which means you're now ready to go outside.
Step Two: Going Outside
Think back to the last time you saw the sun, imagine it with all your might before you go to bed. Set your alarm to 11:00 am... yes I know thats early but just do it, for tomorrow you're going to take your first tentative steps into the world outside your mom's basement.
Start out simply, for exposure to the real world can be daunting for a novice such as yourself. To begin with, get comfortable with looking out of the window. Position yourself near the window and draw the curtains. At this point do not be startled, the sunlight won't damage you, but it's recommend that you don't look directly at it.
When you are able to sit next to the window for 10 minutes, it's time to take your first steps outside. Try fetching in the mail.
Take one step after another; walk purposefully down to the mailbox and remove the contents, returning immediately and calmly to the safety of your front room.
Well done! You've made your first foray into the outside world.
Carry on in this simple vein. Next, try going down to the end of the street, keeping it simple and at around 5-10 minutes on your first few trips. As you build your confidence think about taking off the sunglasses as you walk down the street.
Note: Do not venture too far too soon. It is wise to be within sprinting distance of your house in case someone says, "Hello".
Step Three: Interaction
Once you have been conditioned to go outside for an hour or more you're finally ready to try social interaction. While you may find this daunting, scary even, this really is the beginning of the end of your quest.
To begin with, call tech support for your computer to get used to hearing human voices. Once you can speak to people like you for a few minutes without freaking out, you will be ready to make your first physical social interaction.
For your first interaction take a $10 bill, your asthma inhaler, panic attack medication and a cellphone. Prepare yourself as set out in Step 1 above. Go to the nearest supermarket, to which your mom will give you directions. Now, supermarkets are big and scary places, so beware. Think back to playing Grand Theft Auto, and notice how it's very easy to get distracted from your original mission by all the killing of innocent pedestrians. The supermarket is just the same, but with less killing.
Once in the supermarket, make your way to the chiller cabinet and take a gallon of orange juice to the checkout. Make sure you find the shortest line, as this will minimise the risk of non-shop staff speaking to you, and give you the least time to start to feel exposed and panic. Place your orange juice on the conveyor, and and be prepared! Shortly the shop assistant will speak to you.
Shop assistants, as you will soon discover, are charming people who lead full and varied lives which they are always willing to talk about. However, to begin with you're best just giving short answers to questions so as not to overload your coping mechanisms. Therefore, the only phrases you're likely to need are, "Yes thank you, I found everything all right", "cash", and "thank you."
As before, it is suggested that you work on your skills until you can carry a conversation for a full 10 minutes with a stranger without mentioning anything about computers, the internet or "Family Guy". Once you can do that, it's time to move on to the next step.
Step Four: Reintegration into Society
Pick up your local newspaper, and flick to the job adverts at the back (its after the comics). Pick up the phone and call people until you get yourself a job or two. If you're lucky, you might even find a job that allows you to indulge your new passion for life with your old passion for sitting in a room with no windows staring at a computer screen - remember those technical support guys you spoke to? As the money starts rolling in, and once you've upgraded your PC to the latest specification, you should be able to save a few hundred dollars.
Buy the paper again, and have a look for an apartment. Try to find something that is not too far from your new job, but close enough to home so your Mom can still do your washing - it's not cheating, even the most accomplished life-livers do it. Pack up your stuff, and get a friend to help you move. Once you have your own place, you can congratulate yourself: you are now the proud owner of a life!