HowTo:Get a Life

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Get a life
Mmmmm...... tasty truth

The process of getting a life is tough and must be done delicately, otherwise you may go into shock from your first social interaction without a computer.

Step One

As stated above it can be potentially dangerous to talk with REAL people so lets start with weaning off the red bull and sugar cubes, without all that caffeine you maybe you wont have to google the word "dream"!

Step Two

Hopefully after you get over your sugar and caffeine withdraw you wont commit suicide, and we can get on to the next step. Now it is time to start to eating like a human again and less like a goat. Here are some facts about meals:

  • Barbeque sauce does not count as a beverage at any time
  • Just because cold cereal is a breakfast food does not mean cold pizza is
  • Knowledge is not nourishment
  • More food does not mean more power

Step Three Going Outside

Think back to the last time you saw the sun, imagine it with all your might before you go to bed. Set your alarm to 11:00 am... yes I know thats early just do it. Before venturing out of your mother's basement and into the real world make sure you are properly equipped. Some essential items to wear include a shirt, pants, shoes & socks, and above all sunglasses. OK the pants are kinda important also. Once you have everything prepared you are in ready to go outside. Start out simple, 5-10 minutes on your first few trips. As you build your confidence think about taking off the sunglasses and walking down the street. Do not venture too far as it would be a good idea to be within sprinting distance of your house incase someone says hello.

Step four

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sit back, relax, and enjoy a can of fresh smooth life

Once you have been conditioned to go outside for an hour or more you finally ready for a social interaction. Call tech support for your computer to get used to human voices. For your first interaction bring 10 dollars, your asthma inhaler, and everything you would take outside. Go to the nearest supermarket, (ask your mom were it is), once there go out and buy a gallon of orange juice and find the shortest line. The only phrases you will need to know are "yes I found everything alright", "plastic", and "thank-you". Once again work on your skills until you can carry a conversation for a full 10 minutes with a stranger without mentioning anything about computers, the internet or "family guy", now that you can do that its time to move on to the next step.

Step Five

You almost have a life! Now all you need is a place to go to show off your newly found social skills away from the internet! Its time to get a job and move out of the basement. Pick up a paper, go to the wanted ads (its after the comics), pick up the phone and call people until you get yourself a job or two. Once you have a few hundred dollars open up the paper again and look for an apartment that is not too far from your new job, pack up your stuff, and get a friend to help you move. Once you have your own place congratulate yourself because you are now the proud owner of a life!!!

See also

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