HowTo:Get a Life
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Welcome to your step-by-step guide to transforming yourself from isolated geek to fully functioning adult. This short guide will demonstrate, in just four easy steps, how you can learn to:
- Leave the house looking like one of the normal people you see on infomercials half way through Star Trek;
- Have a conversation lasting more than 5 words which isn't conducted through the medium of 'Leet';
- Gain the skills to function without parental emotional and financial support.
The process of getting a life is tough and must be done delicately, otherwise you may go into shock from your first social interaction without a computer. Uncyclopedia accepts no responsibiility for death, serious injury, humiliation or loss of saved data which should arise from the use of this guide. If it all goes tits up, blame this guy.
Step One: Preparation
As someone who has been isolated for some time from real human interaction, it's important to take some proper steps to prepare yourself for the coming challenges. Failure to follow the instructions will end in the likely failure of your quest to 'level up' in your search for a life.
As stated above it can be potentially dangerous to talk with REAL people so lets start with weaning off the red bull and sugar cubes, without all that caffeine you maybe you wont have to google the word "dream"!
Hopefully after you get over your sugar and caffeine withdraw you wont commit suicide, and we can get on to the next step. Now it is time to start to eating like a human again and less like a goat. Here are some facts about meals:
- Barbeque sauce does not count as a beverage at any time
- Just because cold cereal is a breakfast food does not mean cold pizza is
- Knowledge is not nourishment
- More food does not mean more power
Think back to the last time you saw the sun, imagine it with all your might before you go to bed. Set your alarm to 11:00 am... yes I know thats early just do it. Before venturing out of your mother's basement and into the real world make sure you are properly equipped. Some essential items to wear include a shirt, pants, shoes & socks, and above all sunglasses. OK the pants are kinda important also. Once you have everything prepared you are in ready to go outside.
Step Two: Going Outside
Start out simple, 5-10 minutes on your first few trips. As you build your confidence think about taking off the sunglasses and walking down the street. Do not venture too far as it would be a good idea to be within sprinting distance of your house incase someone says hello.
Step Three: Interaction
Once you have been conditioned to go outside for an hour or more you finally ready for a social interaction. Call tech support for your computer to get used to human voices. For your first interaction bring 10 dollars, your asthma inhaler, and everything you would take outside. Go to the nearest supermarket, (ask your mom were it is), once there go out and buy a gallon of orange juice and find the shortest line. The only phrases you will need to know are "yes I found everything alright", "plastic", and "thank-you". Once again work on your skills until you can carry a conversation for a full 10 minutes with a stranger without mentioning anything about computers, the internet or "family guy", now that you can do that its time to move on to the next step.
Step Four: Reintegration into Society
You almost have a life! Now all you need is a place to go to show off your newly found social skills away from the internet! Its time to get a job and move out of the basement. Pick up a paper, go to the wanted ads (its after the comics), pick up the phone and call people until you get yourself a job or two. Once you have a few hundred dollars open up the paper again and look for an apartment that is not too far from your new job, pack up your stuff, and get a friend to help you move. Once you have your own place congratulate yourself because you are now the proud owner of a life!!!