HowTo:Get super powers
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
So, you want a super power do you? Fancy costume? Cool name? Super hero tax exemption? Secret identity? All the women (or men)? Well then you're going to have to follow these steps carefully to get the power of your dreams, and potentially a role in a Marvel film. Alternatively, you can order the special step by step super power DVD by Abstergo industries, hosted and narrated by Christopher Walken and Steven Seagal online.
Ok, so what power do you want? This is the most important decision you'll have to make since choosing subjects for further education. You don't want to choose a power you'll later regret, like Melting Man or Underwater Woman, any more than you would choose woodwork to become a brain surgeon. For more information on those who chose unwisely, see our list of the Worst 100 Superheroes of All Time
Be creative with your choice of power, think to yourself: how would the world benefit (or be overthrown if your opting to be a career super-villain)? Your power needs to reflect your personality, for instance The Magician loves magic and applies his great skill in conguring to his super hero ability, whereas the evil "Apoplectic Sparks" used to be an angry electrician. Remember a cool power gives you a cool name and stylish costume along with a great logo. Cool names and logos are as important as cool powers, because no one is going to buy a "Colin the super-scaffolder" toy.
Basic requirements of a superhero
Every super hero needs to fly or at least glide to a soft touch-down. There's nothing more pathetic than seeing a "Super Hero" show up in a taxi or out of breath, then requesting five minutes to rest or pay the fare before taking on the super-criminals. To gain the ability to fly is fairly straightforward, the difficult bit is passing the air law exam and navigation. A lost superhero is no good to anyone, nor is one that has wandered into Miami airspace and brought down a Boeing 737.
You need to be able to throw a good punch too or you're going to look stupid. As a minimum requirement you should only need to hit or kick your enemies around once, before they pass through a brick wall. You also need to be strong enough to hold your enemy over your head for that "front-page shot". Bonus kudos if you can tie a knot in a tank barrel.
The other special power that very most common is the ability to have laser eyes to cut through cast steel doors. Do not mistake spam mail offering "free laser eye surgery" for the opportunity to gain a cheap superpower. That said, laser eye surgery is good for myopia, and nobody wants to be rescued by Mr Magoo. Super heroes can't be deaf either, because shouting "beggupardon?" at the enemy will give the impression of sarcasm, which is unprofessional.
A super hero needs a place to watch over with a population, criminals and if you are really lucky, an evil oligarch with their own superpowers; because there is little point being able to project "freeze breath" in the middle of an uninhabited arctic tundra. However, like ice cream vans, milk floats and buskers, you also need to be careful not to set up on another superhero's 'patch'. Have a look on Google Earth, see if anywhere is on fire, or there is a nearby volcano with a helipad or giant laser tucked away in the crater.
Understand your skills and limitations. You can't look after just any place, especially if you are a 'glider' rather than a 'flyer'. Take Batman, he sticks to Gotham city because it has tightly packed buildings, with plenty of Gothic art to secure his compact lines and grappling hooks. However, Batman would find it difficult to get around fast enough to apprehend scrumpers or petrol siphoning gypsys, within the five hundred square miles of sugar beet fields around the rural Suffolk town of Stradbroke.
If a place looks promising, take a city break there. There are plenty of cheap fly-drive deals online. Talk to the locals, ask them about superhero cover and whether there is a decent costume makers.
You have to have a house, cave, lab, ship or anything that you can class as a secret base. Superheroes should not live under hedges or in a squat. It can even be a small caravan if you like spending your spare time catching a bit of sea air or looking at churches. Your base will be the forefront of all your super hero operations. Here you will plan your attacks and counter attacks on your enemies. Make sure you keep any hint of your ulterior persona hidden. As you integrate into society you will have visitors, so keep those silky red pants out of sight or a local may get the wrong idea about you. Remember, any weapon or piece of kit you posses will be replicated as a child's toy at some stage, and a ten year old with a powerful laser weapon rampaging through the town, will only end in tears.
Although your main task is crime-fighting, superherodom is voluntary and unpaid. You either need to be rich and therefore a person of leisure, or you need a job with flexible hours. Batman is completely loaded so he just sits in the basement of his mansion playing Minecraft all day, whereas Superman's parents were just farmers, so he had to get a job in the city as a journalist. Spiderman is a college kid and Hong Kong Fooey was a mild mannered janitor.
Many tie their work in with their alter ego. Remember, keep your powers to yourself during the job interview. Powerful laser eyes able to cut through foot-thick steel, will make a bank manager twitchy. Leaping out of the top floor window after your interview as a double glazing salesman, will raise concerns over your mental stability.
An important thing to note is the use of your super powers to make money is an absolute no no. Sure, Dr Doom would probably make a competent rural GP, and Elastic Man would be worth his weight in gold in the construction industry. However, if those you are trying to protect and serve got wind of rapid promotion, they would all go out and get super powers too, making you completely average again.
This is the only downfall of any super hero, you NEED a weakness. You can't choose your weakness you must discover it, preferably before your enemy does. 50% of the time it turns out to be something related to giving you your powers in the first place.
- Lost Virginity
I don't care what Peter Parker or The Flying Nun says, you cannot be a boner-fide super hero if you're a virgin.
Although controversial, men are considered more creative when it comes to deciding what superhero to be than women. Most lady super heroes are just female versions of their male counterparts. i.e. Aqua-Girl, Bat-Girl, Bat-Woman, Cat-Women, Hawk-Woman, Hit-Girl, Invisible Woman, Ms. Freeze, Night Girl, Jenny Quantum, Robin, She-Hulk, Superwoman, Electro Woman, Dyna Girl, Hillary Clinton and so on. That said, they look far better than men in tight costumes and a crime fighter with nice curves, is far more likely to distract the villain than say, Superman's "pickle and sprouts".
Powers Already Taken
Ok, its been along time since the super hero scene first came into the world, and in that time a lot of powers have been taken and copyrighted by the user. The ability to fly or glide is the only default power given to every super hero; you have your own unique power and get flying as a freebie.
How To Get A Power
First of all, some people are born with super powers, DEAL WITH IT! All the rest of us can do is one day hope to get a super power and in the mean time wonder if that object flying round in the sky is a bird or a plane. But do not fret, your day may come, but it must be an accident or it won't be proper, we can't stress this enough... maybe we can: "IT MUST BE AN ACCIDENT!!!" For people born without any super ability, it has to be due to a mishap, or you will be accused of social climbing. Whether it's a scientific experiment gone wrong, some chemicals spill over you or, you are raped or bitten by someone or something with a superpower already, you will not get yours unless it is one of, or relates to any of the above. And no, if you knowingly rape someone with a super power than you'll most likely give them something that can be dealt with using a course of penicillin — you have to be on the receiving end.
Apart from being one of the lucky ones being born with special abilities, there are ways for normal none-super folk like us to gain super powers.
Radiation long exposure to radiation can go one of two ways. On one hand you can fall seriously ill and die a very slow excruciating death from radiation poisoning. On the other hand your body can have a (positive) chemical reaction to the radiation and you can become ten times stronger and smarter. The (possessive) reactions your body can have are very diverse amongst individuals and you can gain one from one-hundred different powers although this is very rare. The chances of getting even one super power from radiation is one in a billion. You will most probably die. To get close to radiation you can get a job in or live close by a nuclear power plant, eat pot noodles or by standing close enough to a nuclear bomb to be hit by the radiation but far away enough with out getting obliterated.
Radioactive creature If you know someone or something that is radioactive than try and get bitten by them (but following step one make it look like a convincing accident) somewhere where the skin is soft or near a pulse/main artery. Note: you don't always have to get them to bite you, saliva, sperm, blood and urine also caries the super power gene. If this works than you'll get a mutant power of what ever bit you, the most recognized of all these is Spider-Man. But others around the world include Crab-Man, Dog-Man, Armadillo-man, Chimp-Man, Venus-Fly-trap-Man, Woman-Cat, Mosquito-Man, Pig-Man, Lamar-Man, Man-Man, Man-Woman, crazy-frog-man and many more.
Bizarre accident Now this is the main one we all love to follow, one its the most interesting because its so unexpected and you feel so great about yourself after the shock and peril has subsided, two what caused your powers is mostly the only thing that can destroy it again, so you know your own weakness which is always to have a cinematic head to head with your arch enemy. We have very few tips on this section, all we can say is just go for it! Any thing that life throws at you go for it because your accident wont happen when your sitting round on your butt watching T.V.
W.M.D. If you have enough money and the intelligence then why not build yourself some super powers. Build weapons that you can use against your enemies.But please do not build weapons for the safety of our world. The one thing you have against your enemies is that they don't know your not a super hero, so don't let on that you are and don't do anything stupid like bleeding if they shoot you. You need to let your enemies know you're in control. If it helps use smoke and mirrors to gain the appearance of super powers.
Sell your soul When all else has failed, and your still alive, then sell your soul to Satan for super powers, but make sure you barter hard for a decent price, don't "sell yourself short" as they say. Doing this has it's immediate advantages and disadvantages, one of the advantages you can have any and/or every power you want in exchange for your measly little soul. The main disadvantage over this is when the time comes Satan will come for you and torture you throughput eternity. It does sound bad but look on the bright side, if you chose a super hero life and not a villain than all the bad people you killed will be there also getting in on the fun. You can not use your powers to escape from hell, even if you ask for a hell escaping power, you will lose it when you die.
Go to space Getting into space and visiting alien planets is like, the gold rush of getting super powers; you don't even need to sunbathe in cosmic rays until your DNA is trashed and hope for the best. In some cases, just alien sunlight, eating the soil, or even breathing the air could give you eye-lasers and purple, bullet proof skin. Space is like your local Wallmart, with its galactic shelves packed with different super powers. As space is infinite in size, parking is never a problem either.
Doctorate of magic How about earning a PhD in the dark arts or the inhumanities? Even if you're not remotely religious or descendant of the peoples you're studying, with good grades, smuggle a powerful magical artifact past customs agents, and you too can be like Tom Cruise and become a cultural chameleon. As an arcane antiquer your new arch enemies will be public domain deities, bad acid trips, surrealist background paintings and international artifact repatriation laws. Meddlesome museums will place the education of the ignorant masses on a pedestal over your right to privately own someone's god. If ever in doubt, remember that running around in your underwear using the powers of Zeus to tazer bank robbers is a much more constructive use of your time than rewriting the science textbooks to include your peer reviewed miracles, or running your own theocracy with a fist mystically turned to iron.
Find another dimension Perhaps you are concerned that you don't have the time or money to go to space, or do not have a friend or family member that is radioactive. Maybe you are the type that is risk averse, so the likelihood of having an accident is quite small, but an opportunity has arisen where you need super powers right now? Don't worry, a quick and cheap alternative is to find another dimension near you and hop through it. Believe it or not, alternative dimensions are everywhere, even in your purse. As with all short cuts though there is a caveat, because messing with the laws of physics at quantum level could just turn you into spaghetti, leaving you feeling like a bit of a planck. Also, the trillions of super powers available by this method will be endorsed randomly both by number and type, and the superpowers are a little unusual too.
Powers available through dimensional travel include: time stopping and looping, making multiple copies of yourself that appear and disappear at random, creating a black hole (be very careful with this one) and turning yourself from a series of particles into an electromagnetic wave every time somebody looks at you, or tries to take measurements. This unfortunately makes it difficult for tailors to make a bespoke suit, so get that done before the jump.
Ok so you've got your powers, now you need a costume. Let the costume reflect your powers, if your powers are in don't do something stupid like wearing a stereotypical costume with the underpants on the outside and a mask over your eyes because people can tell what you look like and a thin strand of cloth with two eye holes is not going to cover that. Don't wear a costume that's way over the top that's extremely heavy and slows you down. If you're a woman than your costume must expose your naughty bits to being stabbed or melted as possible, more like a wrestling leotard than battle armor. Try on a sentient symbiotic costume, they're a hallmark of a hyper violent 90's comic along with having a million pockets on you for guns, and are as deadly as they are disgusting. Just be prepared for when your armor tries to eat you.
Learn how to tailor your own clothing and keep some spare outfits in your wardrobe for emergencies, which for you now is every day. If you're still living with your aunt than you'd better learn to hand scrub your super suit so no one see's you use the washing machine, luckily if you're super fast and strong you're probably better at it than the machine is anyways. Don't expect the the clothes you were wearing the day of the lab accident to get super powers as well, you're a superhero not a saint. Shouuld your powers inadvertently make you burst out of your clothes, you'll likely end up on the run for public indecency in scavenged sweat pants like The Hulk.
It's also very important to learn to clean up after yourself after a night of scientist street fighting and breaking and entering into laboratories: being a CSI really comes in handy for The Flash when he forgets and has to collect his own blood stains the next day for work. Super powered heroes end up getting cloned quite a bit, so if you aren't ready to start a family and have an evil twin just yet, you'll need to carry some industrial strength cleaning supplies with you.
If you own your own secret base, than you'd best pick up some home repair skills and learn know how to fix the electric, plumbing and gas; you can't count on Super Intendent Man to fix them for you and keep it a secret.
|Featured Article (read another featured article)|
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos