HowTo:Get Others to Do Your Work for You

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Nihilism

The picture of you that you were supposed to get developed.

So, you've got a long list of chores at home, work, or school, and you've got an irresistible compulsion to not do them. Unfortunately, your mom, boss, and teachers have made it very clear that if you continue to not do your work, then very bad things will happen to you.

And now you're faced with a conundrum as old as teenagers themselves[1]. How do I get these things done, but without any expenditure of effort? The answer is easy. Just get others to do them for you.

The unfortunate problem with getting others to do your work for you is that convincing others to do something can take as much effort, if not more, than doing the work yourself. This means that if you fail to get others to do your work for you, then you will have to do your work yourself, and you've wasted valuable effort that could've gone to something else.

But don't worry. I've compiled several methods that make getting others to do your work for you look like a walk in the park. Or, rather, looking out the window at people walking in the park while you wait to respawn in Halo 3, you lazy douche.

edit Methods

Here are tried and true methods that are guaranteed to make other people do your work for you.

edit Get a Fanatical Girlfriend

DorkGirl

The sort of girl that has a perpetual, unrelenting, unwanted crush on you: the type that look like men.

You know that one girl who you have a humongous crush on and fantasize about on a daily basis and would do anything for if she walked up to and asked you if she only knew you existed?

Turn that principle on its head, and find yourself a girl who has a humongous crush on you and fantasizes about you on a daily basis and would do anything for you if you walked up to and asked her if you only knew she existed.[2]

Discover her existence, and you'll have someone to do your work for as long as she doesn't realize that you're abusing and manipulating her.

edit Gain a Position of Authority

I know what you're thinking, and I'm disturbed[3]. But you're also thinking, "If I had a position of authority, then I would already know how to get others to do my work for me."

That's the idea.

OrganicMass

Eww, what is it, Ack. Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, can you just go away or something? Uggh...

edit Theory of Repugnant Affirmation

Let's imagine a scenario. You walk up to somebody and ask them to do something. They say no.

Let's think about how this could be different. Now, imagine this. You walk up to somebody and ask them to do something. They throw up, and then say that they'll do it if you just go away.

So you see, you need to become so smelly, unshaven, disfigured, and mutated that when you walk up to somebody and ask them to do something, your blatant disregard and defiance of the laws of natural beauty will force them to comply with your request.

edit Theory of Charismatic Affirmation

Let's imagine a third scenario. You walk up to somebody and ask them to do something. They say that they'll follow you to the end of the earth and and would die for you if it meant that you could live.

As you can see, in order for this to work, you need to become the tallest, noblest, handsomest looking hero on the face of the planet so that when you ask someone to do something, your radiant aura of goodness (you'll need to acquire this as well) will compel all people that even look at you to join your just, righteous, non-specific crusade.

edit Relaxation

Now that you're a master in getting others to do your work for you, it is now time to hop in that recliner, sit back, and ask your loyal followers to make you a sandwich[4], not too much mayonnaise this time.

Enjoy the benefits of having minions fulfill your every need; now you can focus on what's really important in life: having people who spend less time and effort with video games beat the crap out of you in them. Aren't you glad you learned how to get others to do your work for you?

edit See Also

edit Footnotes

  1. Cain reportedly tried to get his family to take care of the herds for him, with little success
  2. That's how your crush feels about you.
  3. That was a really bad joke, wasn't it? I'm sorry, but I don't care.
  4. Build me a sandwich, worthy of Mordor.
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