| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Let's face it, you hate your job. You probably can't take another soul crushing day filing paperwork that nobody looks at. Your boss is a dick and he makes you work every other saturday. So why not got out in style. The following are ways to not have to go to that job again.*
*Warning putting these in to practice might prevent you from getting another job again, you've been warned.
The Office Party Edit
Office parties suck, don't they? I mean, they're just for your lunch break and then back to your desk. Well why not liven them up a bit before you go. Things to help you spice up life may include vodka in the "punch," magic brownies, rat poison sugar cubes, LSD in the water cooler, and the classic crack replacing baking soda in your cookies. Make sure you avoid your food products and hopefully your boss will get the message.
Customer Service Edit
Try greeting customers in another language, like "Le client peut aller en enfer" or some other weird French saying. If that doesn't work, pretend to be unable to speak English. This is most effective if you've just been speaking English before the customer approaches you. Finally, if the customer gives you any lip, reciprocate and turn it up about 10 notches. If they get offended, you become irate. If they become irate, become unstable. If they become unstable, empty the siloes. This is a blast, trust me.
Become the Boss Edit
You've seen him work, and a trained monkey could do his job, so what better way is there to get back at "the man" then by taking him down from the inside? Basically if anybody asks for your manager tell them that you're the manager. Then give the customer bs reasons why you can't help them. Here is a retail example:
- Customer: "Hi, I'd like to buy this dress please."
- You: "That's not for sale."
- Customer: "Excuse me? I just saw it on that bargain rack it's $20."
- You: "Yeah, we're not selling it."
- Customer: "I'd like to see your manager please."
- You: "Speaking, asshole. . . ."
- Mr. Chapelle, the Real Manager: "You're fired."
The Office Slut Edit
This is a method of leaving your current employment and bringing down other people with you. Ever notice that company policy says that you're not allowed to sleep with your supervisors, or co-workers, or janitors? Well, just as it applies to you, it applies to them. So go ahead give a little and get some in return! (Note: If you do not pull this off you risk becoming labeled a whore (for women) or a sexual harassment suit (for men))
Despite what your manager says, he really doesn't care about new ways of doing things around the office. Thus, you can use this to your advantage. For example if you work at a certain company draw up a lengthy proposal about why everybody should switch to free open source software. Sometimes that won't get you fired, so take the next logical step and implement your solutions, company wide.
Always remember to ask your boss to be a reference on your resume before you leave. That way you can add insult to injury.
Blow the whole place up. You're probably screwing yourself over anyway, why does it matter to you?