HowTo:Get Banned

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Are you perennially accepted with open arms wherever you go? Do you always find a place by the fire and a nice pair of comfy slippers waiting for you?

Tiresome isn't it?

I bet you'd just love to take those slippers and hurl them into the fire - so that someone, anyone, would cast you into exile for once, just to show that they don't care. I mean, all the really cool people get banned all the time, so why not you? Is there something wrong with you maybe? Were you, perchance, stamped with accepted at birth?

Lou Reed walked on the wild side and he got banned all the time - especially from the NYC Woman's Institute and Bridge Club. The wild side sure sounds exciting doesn't it? And it's a long long way from the dull side that you currently inhabit. So, here it is - your final article before you get off this bus.

Welcome to this informative yet non-comprehensive instructional guide to getting the door slammed on your ass as you are unceremoniously thrown to the street like the gutter-feeding, petty-whining, ass-vomiting tripe bucket that everyone else knows you are, but sadly, you do not.

Are you ready? Then we'll begin.

You will know it is time to turn the page when Tinkerbell rings her little bell, like this:


Ban Tips for Beginner Users


An Uncyclopedia Admin offers some helpful feedback to a new user.

  1. Blank pages. Yes, by gosh, there are a few n00bs out there that didn't know this. Hoo hah!
  2. Write a bunch of inane micro-stub articles, and interlink them.
  3. Write a bunch of inane micro-stub articles, and spamlink them on good articles.
  4. Write a bunch of inane micro-stub articles. Period.
  5. Keep re-creating an article that an admin keeps deleting.
  6. Write a nasty talk page note to the admin that keeps deleting your "article".
  7. Complain to other admins that an admin keeps deleting your "article".
  8. Send an email to every admin on Uncyclopedia that an admin keeps deleting your "article".
  9. Create the talk page for your "article" that three different admins have deleted, asking why it is being deleted.
  10. Put canned quotes on every page you see.
  11. Change all the quotes at the top of articles to feature your name instead of, say, Oscar Wilde.
  12. Write Chuck Norris facts. Anywhere.
  13. Add a B to AAAAAAAAA! No longer possible since the page is protected
  14. Add a 2 to 01000010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001.
  15. Create an army of sockpuppets with names like "(Admin's name) has (synonym for small) (body part)" or "I have (synonym for large) (body part)." This will probably get you banned and deleted quicker than the other methods.
  16. Create multiple forum topics declaring your greatness in ALL CAPS!!!
  17. Edit Todd Lyon's userpage without adding an award.
  18. Litter tons of articles with expletives, or even Template:Expletive.
  19. Vandalize pages, and then rant about it on Wikipedia or Encyclopedia Dramatica.

Ban Tips for Intermediate Users


The BanMagnet 2000 extended keyboard is preferred by n00b editors nearly 70-to-1, over standard 104-key models.

  1. Add your favorite category to every article you see.
  2. Add your favorite template to every article you see.
  3. Write long political rants or complaints on voting pages.
  4. Move pages around without good reason.
  5. Move pages to new locations, then move them back to their original location just to prove that you can.
  6. Complain to an admin that s/he's stupid (a coward, a jerkass, a dick, etc.), and is ruining pages, is wrecking your template, or otherwise "has no right" to do whatever it is that they did.
  7. Dick with admin user pages, policy pages, or articles that offend your moral sensibility.
  8. Dick with Euroipods.
  9. Dick with Vandalism.
  10. Create a "clone article" featuring your very own made-up version of Carlow Crab, Hilter, Darth (something), or Jesus.
  11. Create a "clone article" of AAAAAAAAA! (examples: BBBBBBBBB!, ZZZZZZZZZ!, Chirp!, Meow!, Woof!, or Moo!)
  12. Link every word in an article to your userpage.
  13. Link every word in an article to goatse.
  14. Link every word in an article, except the ones that say goatse, to goatse. The others link to your userpage.
  15. Create articles with titles like "(Admin name) IS A (expletive)" and "(Admin name) LICKS (expletive) FOR CASH", but that contain glowing praise about the admin in question.
  16. Vandalize pages as an anonymous IP, until every IP address in your school is banned or rangeblocked.
  17. Vandalize your own user page as an anonymous IP.
  18. Complain on the Village Dump that an admin keeps deleting your article.
  19. Create "This page does not exist".
  20. Edit every topic in the Village Dump so that it looks like everyone are; (pokemon fan-boys, pedophiles, stalkers, date-rapers, assaulters, kidnappers, preschooler abducters, users, druggers, home invaders, robbers, snatchers, sexual harassers, sexual predators, terrible adulterers, hippies, torturers, murderers, killers, homiciders, psychopaths, patriciders, Mormons, hit and runners, pathological liars, womanizers, debaucherers, horrificly lewd people, grotesquely perverse men, fundamentalists, traitors, evil mercenaries, insane librarians, arms dealers, Spock impersonators, ex-cons, Delta Force, the entire cast of Gilligan's Island, mad scientists, etc.)
  21. Create a page called "The word parakeet written exactly two hundred and fourty three times" that only contains the word "parakeet" written exactly two hundred and forty three times, and try to recreate it exactly two hundred and forty three times. Ban: 243 days.
  22. Change the spelling in ^ to say "Ban: 243 years" 243 times. Ban: Obviously 243 years decades years centuries years millenia years mega anna years infinite ban.
  23. Do anything that pisses BENSON off.
  24. Write an article about your favorite Internet Meme.
  25. Switch parts of a featured article with each other, and put in paragraphs from other, much worse articles.
  26. Steal subpages from other users by moving them to your userpage.

Ban Tips for Expert Users

Got pwn3d

Certificate of Pwnitude conferred on those users who've lowered themselves to entirely new depths of idiocy.

  1. Start a "Frequent Users Who Aren't Admins Club"
  2. Create a "FUWAA Club" category.
  3. Dick with essential system templates.
  4. Repeatedly revert a well-written article to a previous stub- or NRVed-version without actually contributing anything.
  5. Repeatedly revert an admin, asking why they "ruined things" with their changes.
  6. Start a revert war with an admin and revert the bloody hell out of pages when they revert them.
  7. Take a long, popular article, and rewrite it to an unfunny stub.
  8. Repeatedly harass other users in the edit summary.
  9. Write long political rants or complaints on every page you visit.
  10. Make complaints about Euroipods and/or its author at every opportunity — on talk pages, in your signature, and even inside of templates.
  11. Create multiple sockpuppets, then have them collaborate on articles, begin friendships, vote for each other, form alliances, fall in love, get married, give birth to more sockpuppets, become disillusioned with the marriage, break up, and start fighting with each other.
  12. Put {{NRV|~~~~~}} on a featured article.
  13. Rewrite a featured article.
  14. Rename a featured article to a title you prefer.
  15. Insist that there is a cabal.
  16. Forge votes from real users on VFH until your article (which is slated-for-removal) is next in line to be featured. (Doubleplusgood if the article in question is about Identity theft.)
  17. Give sympathy votes to crappy candidates on voting pages.
  18. Nominate the Main Page, Deletion log, VFH page, Recent changes, or Block log for VFH.
  19. (doubleplusgood, will result in instaban for infitime) Use an open proxy.
  20. Vote creatively. If people can use 4, why not write 4 using summation notation: \sum_{k=0}^1 \left(2k+1\right) , or an integral: 
\int_{-\pi/4}^{\pi/4}2\sqrt{2}(\cos{x}-\sin{x})\, dx
  21. Advise an admin on how to do their job, especially if they've been an admin longer than you've been a user.
  22. Vandalise the main page. No, serisously.
  23. Write something that allows people to win at Zork. If you do this, you will be eaten by a Grue when, and if, your ban expires.
  24. Have fun

More as they occur...

See Also


Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 23 July 2006
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