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“How'd you like to be a man tossed into the grounds of a womens' prison naked with the guards looking the other way? Now THAT would be something to tell your grandkids.”
Over hundreds of years, being arrested has been a popular pastime of mankind. Even today, many people practice the fine art of being arrested. There are many ways to get yourself arrested, so be creative. If you want to be arrested, please note that it will most likely affect your life in unpleasant ways. But then again, if you're reading this, you probably don't have a life.
Disclaimer and Last Warning
By reading this guide, you have agreed, for whatever reason, to commit a crime and be arrested. The author of this guide is in no way responsible for any actions that may result from your reading of this guide. Please note that when committing a crime, there is a 0.997% chance that you will be caught and arrested. If this warning has not persuaded you to stop reading, then read on at your own risk.
Reasons to be Arrested
There are many reasons of why anyone would want to be arrested. However, most of them are bullshit. Wanting to is not a good reason, as this just means that you're a selfish loser and should just go kick the bucket. Before getting arrested, make sure you have a good and valid reason for wanting to be in a tiny room with no escape. Some valid reasons to be arrested are below:
- "You have no life."
- "My mom"
- "Your mom"
- "You have an essay to do and really want to get out of doing it"
- "Felt like it"
- "You spend too much time on Internet and want to do something exciting without any effort"*
- "You are bored."
- "You have just been banned from Uncyclopedia"
- "You are forced to use wikipedia"
- "You are a hobo and a jail cell is better than your cardboard box."
- "You are too stupid to commit suicide and need an executioner to do it for you."
- "You're Homosexual, and you want to drop the soap on purpose".
- "Being on this webpage".
- "Lost your virginity to a morbidly obese guy and had to live far away to forget about it"
- "For the lulz"
- "You heard that being in prison makes you look badass"
- "You just committed the perfect murder, and you must go to jail. Come on, it's part of nature"
Methods of Being Arrested
If you plan on becoming arrested, then you must know the best ways to be arrested. The following methods have been carefully researched and have a 99.999% success rate. Note that being thrown into prison is usually much easier than being released from prison, so plan for a long period of time spent in jail. Once you get in - make sure you get a "pet", and not BECOME the pet.
Method 1: Stealing
You will need:
- Your hands
- A store with decent security
First, find a store with an anti-shoplifting security system. To achieve maxium attention, find a large one with lots of people. Next, make sure you are in the plain sight of either some shoppers or a security guard, and start stuffing items into your pockets, pants, or other container. Wait until security move in to catch you, then run towards the nearly exit while yelling incoherently. If not seen: run around pushing over shelves? Pretend to escape then when security starts chasing you, stop, sit down on the floor, and say "I turn myself in."
Method 2: Arson
You will need:
- A flammable building
- Matches and/or lighter
- (Optional) Fire-resistant gloves
- (Optional) Sign saying "I did this."
To start, locate the building that you would like to burn down (or up). For added results, find a building with people inside.Next, make sure that the building is not made out of hard to burn materials. Pour gasoline on the building, and set it alight. If you have one, wear the sign saying "I did this." and strut around outside of the burning building until the police arrive and take you away.
Method 3: Being Seen in Public
Note: Only one shim can get arrested for this. You know who you are...
You will need:
- Your face
- A place with lots of people.
- (Optional) A Mask
- Neon or Flashy clothing.
First, locate a place with lots of people that you can scar for life with your horrible face. Some suggestions are shopping malls, amusement parks, and local middle schools. You might want to bring a mask so that you won't be arrested before you get there. We wouldn't want that happening, would we? After you have arrived, find a place that will allow the maximum amount of people to see you. Take off your mask. If you are the certain shim (again, you know who you are), then you have just been arrested and have scarred many, many innocent people for life. If you aren't the shim, then maybe some people will look at you strangely, but nothing else will happen. If you still want to be arrested, look at the above methods.
Method 4: Abortion
Note: You can't get arrested for this yet, but you can be if you follow this two step process
You will need:
- To be pregnant (preferably a female)
- 60 million voters
- Ann Coulter
- Mike Rounds
- Fred Phelps
- Their lawyers
- A conservative Pikachu plan
First, go have an abortion and blame it on the pro-abortion movement for allowing you to make the choice of brutally murdering your unborn child. I'd suggest doing it in the south, or Utah, or South Dakota so people will actually listen to you. This will allow you to get together a bunch of lawyers and lawmakers to make a law banning abortion and then challenging its challenge in court. Hopefully, in 100 years, Roe v. Wade will be overturned.
Method 5: Attempt to use your First Ammendment rights to speak out against something controlled by the government
You will need:
- A controversial issue
- Search things like Terrorist or download bin laden videos, that will quickly get the police attention
- Someone who has lots of power to piss off
- A big mouth
First, find a controversial issue that you want to speak against. Now that you've found your issue, express your First Ammendment rights and speak freely about the controversial issue. If you've played your cards right, you should be in jail by now! NOTE: Depending on who you piss off, you might end up elsewhere. If you say something bad about George W. Bush, the FBI, CIA, NSA, and DHS will have your house surrounded in 4 minutes, deem you a terrorist and/or a danger to society, arrest you under the USA PATRIOT Act, and sentence you to death.
Method 6: Being Black
Copslove black people. Being black in the presence of an officer will result in sex. If you are not black, you should play "rap music" (obviously an oxymoron) loudly and wear bling, in hopes that the stupid cop will fuck you.
Method 7: Rape
You will need to get someone pregnant without permission and have a good phone near you so the victim can call the cops straight away. This Method is very enjoyable, unless you are gay.
Congratulations! You have successfully gotten yourself arrested, and now you're in court. Now what? There are many things you can do here to get into even more trouble. Below is a list. Warning: Do not do any of the below if you don't plan on spending too much time in prison.
- Try to escape
- Try to eat the judge
- Try to eat your guard
- Try to eat yourself
- Deny having done anything after every sentence anyone says
- blame some random person for bulling you by saying pudding
- Commit perjury
- Blame your crime on the judge
- Blame your crime on your guard
- Blame your crime on your lawyer
- Blame your crime on yourself
- Blame your crime on global warming
- Blame your crime on religion
- Blame your crime on Nazis
- Blame your crime on your mom
- Be incoherent the whole time.
- Strip naked and start dancing. Note: you will only get arrested doing this if you are a man/shim.
- Do the above, but move the tie the police made you wear in court so that it surrounds your waist.
Shoot Everyone and engage in Necrophilia.
- Proclaim that you are messiah
- Commit seppuku. Note: You need a knife or any sharp cutting object to get this done
Alright, you have committed your crime and gotten sentenced, now what? You could just sit around in prison, then leave after your time is up, but that's boring. Now that you've reached your goal of getting in prison, your life is probably ruined. Don't worry, your suffering will end soon, for the only path now is suicide. You might ask, "Why should I kill myself?", but face it, if you're such a nerd that you took the time to read to this part, you wouldn't last a week in prison anyways, so just get it over with. Now, committing suicide isn't easy in a prison. The guards who dragged you here in the first place are now the ones trying to save your sorry life. So, you will have to extra creative in your attempts to kick the eternal bucket. Now, on with the ways to actually do it:
- Tie your bedsheets (or your cloths if you don't have bedsheets) into a long rope. Find a place on the roof to hang it, and tie your makeshift rope into a noose. Measure and make sure your feet cannot touch the ground when you are hanging on the noose. Now, put noose around your neck, and jump.
- Insult Prisoner 0001. He didn't get to be first for no reason.
- Drown yourself in your toilet. Not the best way to die, but it gets the job done.
- Drink out of your toilet. Even worse than the previous one, but instant death is guaranteed.
- Wait for your death sentence to be carried out. This only applies if you did a truly horrible crime and deserve to die.
- "Drop the Soap and hope for AIDs"
- Politely request coitus from another inmate
- call the biggest black guy a uncle tom ( very racist).
What aftermath? If you read this guide and followed it to the letter, you should be dead, not reading this! If you are truly so stupid that you cannot even accomplish getting into prison then dying, then there is only one way left to end your misery. This.