From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Over hundreds of years, being arrested has been a popular pastime of mankind. Even today, many people practice the fine art of being arrested. There are many ways to get yourself arrested, so be creative. If you want to be arrested, please note that it will most likely affect your life in unpleasant ways. But then again, if you're reading this, you probably don't have a life.
edit Disclaimer and Last Warning
By reading this guide, you have agreed, for whatever reason, to commit a crime and be arrested. The author of this guide is in no way responsible for any actions that may result from your reading of this guide. Please note that when committing a crime, there is a 0.997% chance that you will be caught and arrested. If this warning has not persuaded you to stop reading, then read on at your own risk.
edit Reasons to be Arrested
There are many reasons of why anyone would want to be arrested. Before getting arrested, make sure you have a good and valid reason for wanting to be in a tiny room with no escape. Some valid reasons to be arrested are:
- You heard that being in prison makes you look badass.
- You just committed the perfect murder, and you want your proper recognition.
- For the lulz.
edit Methods of Being Arrested
If you plan on becoming arrested, then you must know the best ways to be arrested. The following methods have been carefully researched and have a 99.999% success rate. Note that being thrown into prison is usually much easier than being released from prison, so plan for a long period of time spent in jail. Once you get in - make sure you get a "pet", and not BECOME the pet.
edit Method 1: Stealing
You will need:
- Your hands
- A store with decent security
First, find a store with an anti-shoplifting security system. To achieve lots of attention, find a large area of your chosen store with lots of people. Next, make sure you are in the plain sight of either some shoppers or a security guard, and start stuffing items into your pockets, pants, or a container you might have brought. Wait until security move in to catch you, run towards the nearest exit. If not seen: run around pushing over shelves and get caught.
edit Method 2: Arson
You will need:
- A flammable building
- Matches and/or lighter
- (Optional) Fire-resistant gloves
- (Optional) Sign saying "I did this."
To start, locate the building that you would like to burn down (or up). For added results, find a building with people inside.Next, make sure that the building is not made out of hard to burn materials. Pour gasoline on the building, and set it alight. If you have one, wear the sign saying "I did this." and strut around outside of the burning building until the police arrive and take you away.
edit Method 3: Being Seen in Public
You will need:
- Your face
- A place with lots of people.
- A Mask (optional)
- VERY flashy clothing, if you're a girl look like a stripper.
First, locate a place with lots of people. Some suggestions are shopping malls, amusement parks, and local middle schools. You might want to bring a mask so that you won't be arrested before you get there. We wouldn't want that happening, would we? After you have arrived, find a place that will allow the maximum amount of people to see you. Take off your mask. If you are that person that "extremely pops out" or is getting dirty looks by everyone who sees you, you're doing it right. Soon enough you'll be arrested.
edit Method 4: Abortion
Note: You can't get arrested for this yet, but you can be if you follow this two step process
edit Step 1
You will need:
- To be pregnant (preferably a female)
- 60 million voters
- Ann Coulter
- Mike Rounds
- Fred Phelps
- Their lawyers
- A conservative Pikachu plan
First, go have an abortion and blame it on the pro-abortion movement for allowing you to make the choice of brutally murdering your unborn child. I'd suggest doing it in the south, or Utah, or South Dakota so people will actually listen to you. This will allow you to get together a bunch of lawyers and lawmakers to make a law banning abortion and then challenging its challenge in court. Hopefully, in 100 years, Roe v. Wade will be overturned.
edit Method 5: Attempt to use your First Amendment rights to speak out against something controlled by the government
edit Step 1
You will need:
- A controversial issue
- Search things like Terrorist or download bin laden videos, that will quickly get the police attention
- Someone who has lots of power to piss off
- A big mouth
First, find a controversial issue that you want to speak against. Now that you've found your issue, express your First Ammendment rights and speak freely about the controversial issue. If you've played your cards right, you should be in jail by now! NOTE: Depending on who you piss off, you might end up elsewhere. If you say something bad about George W. Bush, the FBI, CIA, NSA, and DHS will have your house surrounded in 4 minutes, deem you a terrorist and/or a danger to society, arrest you under the USA PATRIOT Act, and sentence you to death.
Cops love black people. Being black in the presence of an officer will result in sex. If you are not black, you should play "rap music" (obviously an oxymoron) loudly and wear bling, in hopes that the stupid cop will fuck you. Alternatively, exercise your constitutional right to bear arms while walking around in broad daylight, or drive late at night through a rich, white neighborhood while casually dressed in a sweatshirt or hoodie. (Don't wear a suit or they will think you are somebody too important to arrest.) The police will pull you over for going 1 mph over the speed limit, and then proceed to interrogate you without an attorney present. If you object to the interrogation or ask for an attorney, presto! You've been arrested. Get down on the ground and enjoy the handcuffs. Be sure and ask to be whipped, too.
You will need to get someone pregnant without permission and have a good phone near you so the victim can call the cops straight away. This Method is very enjoyable, unless you are gay.
Get yourself a knife and go around stabbing people on a street in a city. Then when the cops come DO NOT try stabbing them. That will get you killed.
Alright, you have committed your crime and gotten sentenced, now what? You could just sit around in prison, then leave after your time is up, but that's boring. Now that you've reached your goal of getting in prison, your life is probably ruined. Don't worry, your suffering will end soon, for the only path now is suicide. You might ask, "Why should I kill myself?", but face it, if you're such a nerd that you took the time to read to this part, you wouldn't last a week in prison anyways, so just get it over with. Now, committing suicide isn't easy in a prison. The guards who dragged you here in the first place are now the ones trying to save your sorry life. So, you will have to extra creative in your attempts to kick the eternal bucket.
What aftermath? If you read this guide and followed it to the letter, you should be dead, not reading this! If you are truly so stupid that you cannot even accomplish getting into prison then dying, then there is only one way left to end your misery. This.