HowTo:Get Along in Prison, for Wimps

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My name is Johanna Wade, I am the warden for Drew Correctional Facility in Louisville, Kentucky. Our Therapy and Education Coordinator created a program in which some of our inmates contribute insightful quotes for this helpful article. Thankfully, one of your Uncyclopedia Editors will help make sense of what they are saying. In advance, you have my apologies for this.

Johanna Wade, Warden
Drew Correctional Facility
Louisville, Kentucky

edit You

Tattoo freak internally

Brand new wimpy little inmate with absolutely no hope of surviving.

Also recognized as fish, a new inmate with no previous record is pretty much like a baby deer trying to hang with a pride of lions. You may have held your own in your seventh grade shop class, but now things are unbelievably different. You can attend a short orientation; your cellie may show you around, perhaps even a thing or two on how to survive, yet for the most part, you're fucked.
Tip

It's important to realize you're not going overcome matters like the hero in some prison movie; you are totally screwed.

“You are going down, son.”
~ Stymie on You

Editor's Note: You're finished.

edit Constant Anal Rape

Being without a doubt the worst violent crime performed on new and inexperienced inmates, anal rape looms over the so-called fish the second he steps into general population. Typically, it's not a matter of if but when, and how much.

“I don't plan to sugarcoat anything, friend; when you set foot in this place, you're gonna get raped, a lot, and not gently. I suggest you...stretch out a little...

~ Lefty on Constant Anal Rape

Editor's Note: Uh, yeah, maybe dab a little coconut cream around the area. I've heard that doing some butt-cheek crunches may actually loosen the area as well. Best of luck.

edit Gang Membership

One way to get out of anal rape and related abuses is to join a gang. There are diverse options in jail, but bear in mind, gangs are divided along racial lines. However, once an inmate gains membership to one of the popular gangs, there will be no substitute for the peace of mind that comes out of it. An inmate will have to kill and fight for the gang, and have his own life hang in balance, when it comes to sensitive issues such as being a rat. Overall though, the security gang membership offers is rock solid.

Northern Mexicans: Typically you should be Mexican to gain entry into this gang. The disciplined paramilitary nature of this group differentiates itself from the other Mexican gangs. Fashion-wise, members rock nice over-the-knee tube-socks.

“ If you're a guerro, or anything like that, or even if you're Mexican, but you don't hold an allegiance to Los Norteños then fuck off.”
~ Malo on Nothern Mexicans

Editor's Note: In other words, if you are white, or guerro, or anything to that effect, then fuck off.

Crips & Bloods: These gangs consist of Black inmates. Any time a camera crew, news, documentary or Hollywood movie seeking extras, shoots footage in prison, Crips and Bloods are the first and last making onscreen time.

“ This is a war right here, shit goes off here day after day. This is real up in here, believe that.”
~ D. Money Nice on Black Gangs

Editor's Note: Damn straight.

Aryan Gangs: White inmates are able to join an assortment of several neo-nazi and biker gangs. Currently in Drew Correctional, the largest gang, Army of Jesus, embodies a mixture of hard-line Christian right and racist ideologies.

“ To be in this group, you must not have blood from any minority in you, period -- now, having it on you, now that's a different story.”
~ Rowdy McDaniels on Army of Jesus

Editor's Note: At this time, Army of Jesus is not accepting Black or Hispanic applicants.

edit Bitchdom

Tip

If you end up being a bitch, you should get familiar with one of your chief duties.

Newer inmates are often controlled and dominated by more experienced prisoners in a process known as being someone's bitch. The bitch provides a happy, healthy sex life and acts as personal assistant.
“If you can't just join a gang outright, you will no doubt end up a prag. You might get into a gang this way, like if you can get your guy to let you take someone out.”
~ Stymie on Bitchdom

Editor's Note: A bitch, or prag, has typically failed gaining entry into a prison gang, yet may still seek being sponsored by a gang member: first becoming his bitch, then being allowed to murder another person.

edit Shanks

New inmates are urged to purchase or create a homemade small knife called a shank. The weapon of choice in prison, they can be easily, though uncomfortably, concealed. Perhaps considered a tool for self defense, many successful slayings can be accomplished with the aid of this handy weapon.

Makeshank

edit The Yard

The yard refers to a baseball field sized area, where inmates can enjoy diverse games such as handball, basketball, rioting and shanking. The area is divided along aforementioned racial gangs.

Prison yard

edit Throwing Waste at Correctional Officers

Cell

Given the options, really, what else can you do when you're in here?

In addition to activities such as shanking, smuggling contraband, fighting, dying and getting the piss beat out of you, there's throwing poop at C.O.s.
“ You're gonna catch a case and you're going to get put in the hole, and you're going to flat out lose your damm mind in there. So at some point you start throwing doo doo. The way I see it, there ain't nothin' wrong with that: that's just how you do when you're inside; you know what I'm sayin'?”
~ D. Money Nice on Throwing Waste

Editor's Note: When an inmate is charged for a crime while inside the prison system, said inmate may serve time in solitary confinement, locked in a very small cell, 23 hours a day. Due to the obvious monotony, inmates may react by flinging feces at correctional officers. There is nothing wrong with doing this. Do you understand what I am saying?

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