HowTo:Get A Job

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“This article helped me a lot!”
~ Loogan Herr

If you are reading this page, than Congratulations! You have conquered the apathy and started caring about getting a job! You're half-way there!

Getting a job is no easy task. You will undoubtedly have to face monstrous foes such as competitors, managers, and the Three-Headed Lion With Wings.
Gustave Dore Inferno34

He wants that accounting job. Now, are you just gonna sit there and let him get it?

Monstrous foes aside, gettin' a paycheck varies in difficulty from person to person. For example; Most Harvard grads don't wanna start off by tossing kitty litter on cotton-candy puke at Shady Larry's Mobile Carnieville. Likewise, a 20-year-old with nothin' but a GED and a drug addiction ain't gonna be very productive behind the controls of a space shuttle. On that note, let's have a look see at the magical process of getting cash!

Choosing Your "Career"

First, you must choose what path to follow. This is pivotal, for it could mean the difference between leading the galaxy to freedom or harnessing the power of the Star Forge and throwing all beings into opression. Make sure to know yourself (especially your own laziness quotient) and those you will be working with and who can cover for you while you play the Halo 3 demo on the Xbox 360 in the Electronics Department.

Business

The Path of Business is an exciting and rewarding one filled with good fun and happy times. If you choose business, you can finally be in the same position as those guys from The Office or the people in one-half of every television programming and commercial in history. Necessary Qualifications usually include:

  • Some School
  • Knowing What A Computer Looks Like
  • Ability To Shut Up And Get Back to Work
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Perks include:

  • Cubicles
  • Nasty Folgers Coffee
  • Template:HALLOWEEN Attire
  • Sweaty Co-workers
  • Smelly Co-workers
  • Typing
  • Slacking
  • Saying Naughty Things About "The Boss"
  • Water Coolers
  • Biz Cas Fri
  • Wacky Ties
  • Being Able To Relate To Dilbert
  • Briefcases/Backpacks
  • Being A Nauseatingly-Common Cliche
  • Not Doing Shit For 8 Hours

Be sure to complain a lot about things like promotions, "The Boss", quitting and being a writer, etc. It forces others to grumble and rub their eyes and hate you so much.

Teaching

The career of Teaching is a challenging one. Spreading education and knowledge has long been regarded as one of the noblest career paths, but unfortunately, it also has the least recorded number of Flying Fucks given about it. Necessary Qualifications include:

  • Varicose Veins (For Creepy Old Hag Teachers) or Blonde Hair/Large Breasts (For Hot Fresh-Outta-College Teachers)
  • Repressed Rage
  • Recurring Migranes
  • General Hatred Of Children
  • Ability To Use At Least 2300 Different Facial Expressions To Tell Students How Disappointed/Angry/Evil You Are
  • A Ridiculable Last Name, e.g. Smeltzer, Jablome, Heinzen, etc.

(Please note that all qualifications succeeding the first are only necessary if you are teaching any grade below 11th, or are not "Sexay")

Some of the Perks:

  • The Teacher's Lounge: The single most well-guarded secret in the history of mankind.
  • Plenty of little children to use as aggression outlets.
  • One of the few "erotic careers" (others being librarians, secretaries, and waitresses).
  • The ability to assign enough work to turn Stephen Hawking's brain to Hollandaise Sauce.
  • The ability to publicly sodomize a 12-year-old and still keep your job.

And Remember: You are invincible.

Retail

This position is intended for the "first job". It is generally a low-pressure job, but unfortunately, you have to deal with these types of people. Under no circumstances should you keep this job if there is any possible way to make more money. Necessary Qualifications:

  • No less than one-half (1/2) of your vital organs (brain is not required).
  • A Limb.
  • Ability to speak some kind of language (However the "Leet" language is not something you should be proud of to know as a language nor should ever put on a resume, unless your applying for a video game company).
Logo always

Reiteration is a must when your demographic has an average attention span shorter then the time it takes them to swallow food.

Perks Include:

  • Neat-o uniforms, name tags at no extra cost.
  • Opportunity to have your picture hung on a wall next to the John.
  • Cleaning up baby pee-pee.
  • Answering barely-coherent questions from borderline-vegetated old people about where the "Matchbooserdisk playeres" are.
  • Telling customers to "Have A Nice Day" (code for "Take your shit and get lost, I don't want to see your ugly fucking mug anymore").

Remember:You will probably most likely never see customers more then once, so be a bitch/bastard as much as possible to ensure their banishment.

Your Resume

Once you choose your path, you usually need to write a resume. This helpful list of DO's and DON'Ts will help you avoid soul-crushing ridicule (the way a golf club helps you avoid being shot by a sniper).

DO:

  • Use a real large heading. Don't be afraid to include weather conditions, the date and time down to the millisecond, and just how hungry you are at that particular time.
  • Include blown-up photos of something slightly relevant to the job in question.
  • Use 34-point font size and a cursive-style font. Because it's fancy, that's why.
  • Lie like a fat guy at the doctor's office.
  • Pay your references. It could mean the difference between Hard Working Young Man and Lazy-Ass Fucktard.
  • Use some syndicated shit about how you want to work in a superior workplace with experienced co-workers and managers.

DON'T:

  • Giggle while the manager is rambling off your "accomplishments".
  • List "Get nas-tay with that minx of a receptionist out front" as one of your goals. In fact, y'know what?
  • List any of your actual goals (just to be safe). And state if they are long range screamers or solo ones.
  • Include that "fact" that you were a nuclear technician if you can neither pronounce nor spell it.
  • Prove your a crazy killer psycho wanted in fifteen African countries for murder by waving your AK-47 about. Wait until you get to management level for that kind of stuff.

See also

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