HowTo:Fuck with people's heads
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Fucking with people's heads is a time-honoured tradition amongst all races around the globe and, while broadly similar to playing practical jokes, the intention is to set up situations that will puzzle, confuse or mystify your victim. In many cases, you will not even be present to see if the stunt has achieved its desired conclusion; whereas a practical joke becomes worthless if the end result is not observed by the perpetrator. Tricks may range from those that will cause a sense of disbelief to those intended to subvert or even create trouble for a disliked person, such as your boss. Here's a range of suitable tricks to get you started.
Modern technology, at home and in the office, is the head-fucker's best friend for the simple fact that although almost everyone is familiar with such items, few know how they work or even how to work them properly.
The Inactive Desktop Trick
A simple trick that, nevertheless, is highly effective even in the case of a victim who is techno-savvy possibly due to its very simplicity.
- Press the Prt Sc key of your victim's computer when it has no windows open to take a screenshot of the desktop.
- Save the image.
- Right click on desktop, select Personalize. Next select Desktop Background and set the screen shot as desktop background. Close that window.
- Right click again on the desktop. Select view and click on Show desktop icons, removing the tick to hide them.
The victim will usually be confused for at least a few minutes. In the case of a boss (who, in 99% of cases will have little or no computer expertise) the trick usually leads to a call to the IT department. If you can let them in on what's happening, they may even be able to arrange for the computer to be taken away for spurious repairs, leaving the boss without a computer for as many days as you dare to spin out the stunt.
Instant Written Discipline
- Open Microsoft Word. (If you use Pages or some other gay word processor, RTFM. The concept is still the same.)
- Click on the Tools Menu, then Options. Click on the Spelling Tab, then change AutoCorrect Options.
- You can go two ways with this mindfuck.
- Make 'em look stupid: Change commonly misspelled 3-5 letter words into their misspelled counterparts. Most subtle way to do this, but at it's best, fucks up a presentation with little effort.
- The straw that broke the camel's back: Type in your superior's first or last name and replace it with an insult, epithet, or other offensive word that either rhymes or alliterates or otherwise syncopates with their real name. Except for rare occasions, don't use the first and last name at the same time: the superior has to read enough of their name to be offended. Bonus points if you can manage to do this in PowerPoint successfully without getting caught. (Not as easy as it sounds, since a victim reviews a presentation in detail even if they're in a rush... but if it does work, the result is brilliant.)
The best time to trigger this is during a high-stress time when a hasty report or document is about to be made and the person will be in too much of a rush to bother with spell check. Troglodytes who can't be bothered with reading what they just wrote long enough to press "Replace All" every time they run spell check are especially susceptible.
Quite a tricky one to pull off - good photoshopping skills are required.
- If you have a friend or colleague who has a photograph of his/her family on display, 'borrow' it at some point when they're not around.
- Scan it into your computer, measure it and return it as soon as possible so they suspect nothing.
- Doctor the image so that your victim's children all have your face. Print it off to the same size as the original.
- When they're next absent, remove the original from its frame and replace with your image.
Ideally, this trick should be carried out using a small photo that they're unlikely to look at often but which will be noticed by other people who know you both.
It is the work of mere minutes to find printable signs online.
- Print out and, for preference, laminate a few signs of your choice. Authorised Personnel Only and Toilet are especially effective.
- Get some of those little sticky tabs that have adhesive on both sides. Stick one in each corner of your sign.
- When you're out, simply peel off the backing and you can attach the signs to any door.
If you can't get to a laminator, pre-cut plastic door signs at an office supply store work beautifully and cost less than $5.00 each. They even come with double-stick tape.
This one works best if carried out when you have a small party with just a few people present.
- Prior to the party, go into the bathroom and hold a video camera somewhere near the ceiling pointing at the toilet. Take a minute or so of film so it looks as though it's been shot on a hidden CCTV camera.
- When a selected guest at your party goes to the bathroom, gather everyone around the TV so that you'll be watching the video when your guest re-enters the room.
- Obtain some boiled sweets/jelly beans/any kind of small, sticky sweet or candy.
- When visiting friends, go to the bathroom and detach the shower head from its hose. Place sweets inside shower head.
Most of the methods mentioned in Technology Trickery can be easily adapted for office/workplace use. Here's some more, finely tailored to bring woe to your colleagues.
- Find out which newspaper your victim reads, and obtain a copy.
- The next day, when he/she leaves their paper unattended, take out the middle section leaving just the first and last few pages.
- Replace them with the corresponding pages from your copy of yesterday's edition.
In extreme cases, this one might start a workplace riot.
- If your boss uses paper with the company's name for internal memos, you will need to obtain a piece. Otherwise, standard A4 will suffice.
- Type a fake internal memo on one side only, addressed to either the boss of your boss or HR, starting with, "Further to our discussion on [choose a date from about two weeks ago], listed below are employees we could lose in the proposed reorganisation as requested:" followed by a list of people you dislike in your department. It's best to add your own name too, just to divert suspicion. Finish with, "Hope that helps, [Name of boss]."
- Open photocopier, place sheet of paper at random amongst the blank sheets.
- Sooner or later, someone will photocopy something and find the list on the reverse of what appears to be a sheet of recycled paper.
An awkward moment for colleagues is remarkably easy to create.
- If you're talking to a colleague and another colleague walks into the room say, "Oh hi, [Second Colleague's name]! [First Colleague's Name] was just doing the most hilarious impression of you. Go on, [First Colleague's Name] - do it again! Oh, is that the time? Sorry - got to go!"
- Leave the room.
Many companies, especially shops, have piped music. In some cases, so as to avoid paying a licence fee to the artists whose songs they play, compact discs will be supplied by an outside company with recordings of cover versions by people who sound like the original artist. These tend to be supplied every month or so in a padded envelope and are installed onto a simple computer connected to an amplifier. Getting hold of one of these discs can be very tricky, but is well worth the trouble of even searching through rubbish bins.
- Take a disc home and place it in your scanner so that you can print a label that looks identical to the original.
- Open the disc to view its contents - most of them have a selection of files in mp3 format and some software.
- Clone the disc, but add a few mp3s of your choice. I've found Don't Touch Your Sister (She's Mine) by Kevin Bloody Wilson, Fist Your Sister's Arsehole by Daisycutter and Fuck Off, Cuntface by Bloody Fist to be particularly suitable ditties.
- The label usually has a date, so alter it to a week in the future. Print it out and attach to your cloned disc.
- Place it into a padded envelope and mail it to whoever receives them at your place of work.
Every office has at least one employee who has a passion for some type of sweet or candy or another. If your victim prefers some form of soft sweet, all the better.
- Purchase the same kind of sweet.
- Select one or two examples. Eat the rest.
- Using a razor or very sharp knife (so as not to deform the sweet, changing its outward appearance too much) carefully slice it in half. Hollow out the centre.
- Fill the hollow with Tabasco sauce, mace pepper or similar.
- Stick the two halves back together - you may need to use a hot knife to get them to do so.
- When your victim leaves their favoured snack unattended, sneakily add your doctored sweets to the bag.
- When they eat one of the fiery sweets, tell them that you read somewhere the company had introduced a new flavour and that you had some last night and thought they were delicious.
The Asbestos Trick
Requires a little preparation, but guarantees an extra cigarette break.
- Obtain a petri dish, a dishwasher tablet, two resealable polythene bags big enough to contain the dish and the tablet and a padded envelope.
- Using your computer, download the logo of your local council or municipal authority and make up a page resembling their headed paper. Add the following: "Dear Sir/Madam, In line with EU guidelines, [Your Town] Council are currently carrying out surveys to detect possible asbestos in commercial properties. Please find enclosed one asbestos testing kit. If testing should prove positive, please contact us on (Phone number of local sex shop, dog's home etc etc etc). Yours, MadeUpName (Commercial Properties and Workplace Safety Officer, [Your Town] Council."
- Print off a smaller sheet of instructions thus: "Contents of Asbestos Test Kit: Indicator tablet X1, petri dish X1. Instructions: 1. Place petri dish on level surface in area to be tested. 2. Position indicator tablet centrally in dish. 3. Add sufficient water to reach the top of the sides of dish. 4. Leave for ten (10) minutes. 5. If tablet produces bubbles and/or froth, ASBESTOS FIBRES ARE PRESENT IN AIR. EVACUATE PREMISES AND CONTACT NUMBER SUPPLIED WITH TESTING KIT IMMEDIATELY." Place petri dish and tablet in bags, put them in the padded envelope along with the letter and instructions and mail it to your boss.
- If your boss falls for it, you'll all be out in the car park within minutes, enjoying a cigarette and getting paid for it. Remember though, no matter how glad your colleagues are of an unexpected break, keep quiet. If your boss finds out it was you, you'll be in deep trouble - likewise with your colleagues, if you choose to play this trick on a rainy or cold day.
Turn Colleagues Psycho
Many workplaces and offices will elect one employee to take on coffee machine duty - this will generally involve having to ensure it's turned on every day and necessary supplies are obtained from whichever department of the company deals with such things, and it'll be the elected employee's job for a month until someone else is picked. If you work for a firm that has someone to do tasks such as this permanently, it's worthwhile teaming up with them even if you have to bribe them.
- For the first week and a half of your month, fill the machine with mixture of normal coffee and decaffeinated. Gradually increase the ratio of decaffeinated until you've weaned the entire office off their caffeine addiction without them noticing.
- For the remainder of the month, up until the final day, continue surreptitiously using decaffeinated only.
- On the last day, swap over to the strongest espresso coffee you can lay your hands on.
Out and About
Some of the best Head Fucking tricks are those that affect a random victim, even if you will not be present to see the reaction.
Eat a Fish
- Before going to your intended location, buy a carrot.
- Using a sharp knife, carve it into the shape of a goldfish. It doesn't need to be particularly lifelike, but the more realistic you can make it the better.
- As you're leaving the building, hold the carrot fish in your hand.
- Pretend to reach under the tank's cover and pluck out a fish. Say something like, "Good brain food, you know!" Place carrot in mouth, crunch and leave.
The Well-Travelled Cat Trick
One of this author's personal favourites. If you happen to know of or meet a friendly cat, stop and stroke him for a while. To carry out the trick, you will first need to do the following:
- Hand-write a small note, on a piece of paper a few inches square. Say something like this: "G'day, I'm Bruce Jenkins - you don't know me but your cat regularly visits my home. He came round today just as I was preparing my lunch so I gave him a couple of pilchards. Hope you don't mind, just thought I'd better let you know so that you don't worry he's ill if he won't eat his catfood later. My phone's faulty at the moment, but if it's a problem I'd like to apologise - you can find me at 78, Woolagoora Way, Sydney, NSW. " If you happen to live in Australia, change it to some other land - the further away, the better.
- Take a little roll of sticky tape or suchlike with you when you go out. Upon meeting the cat, use the tape to attach the rolled-up note to the cat's collar.
This is a particularly amusing trick, because not only is somebody going to be mystified by their cat's apparent movements, they may just be stupid enough to attempt to contact Bruce Jenkins by letter so some Australian postal worker is going to be mystified too.
- If you visit a public swimming pool, take a Lion Bar in its wrapper hidden in your swimming trunks or costume (apparently, Babe Ruth bars work well if you live in the USA).
- Once in the pool, take it out and unwrap it. It'll float and look unpleasantly like a turd.
- Obtain some brightly coloured food dye and a bar of soap - you'll need to supply your own soap as most public lavatories have liquid soap in dispensers.
- Using a sharp knife, carefully cut out a section of soap from one of the larger faces of the bar. Make a hollow under this section.
- Fill the hollow with food dye.
- Replace the cut-out section to form a lid over the dye. Using wet fingers, smooth over the joins so they don't show.
- Leave the soap on the side of one of the wash basins.
- Obtain some bicarbonate of soda.
- In a pub or restaurant, smuggle a salt shaker into the toilet so you can prepare the trick unobserved.
- Tip half the salt down the toilet, then fill it with the bicarbonate. Shake to ensure the two mix well.
- Place salt shaker somewhere in the restaurant.
There's no better time to carry out a few head fucking tricks than when you're travelling because it breaks up the tedium of the journey and - best of all - you're miles from home where nobody knows you, preventing recriminations from victims without a sense of humour.
The drive-through is fertile ground for literally hundreds of head-fucking tricks. Here's a simple one:
- Print a sign saying "MICROPHONE OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE SPEAK LOUDLY AND SLOWLY."
- When you next visit the drive-through, tape it onto the microphone as you give your order.
Anyone who has ever worked in a fast food restaurant will know that, in that line of work, you serve far more than your fair share of irritating people; but they're going to be wondering why they've got more than usual until they discover your sign.
Drive through Drive-by
When ordering fast food in the drive through have an accomplice follow closely behind your car on foot. When the fast food employee hands over the food, the accomplice then runs up and steals the food as it is in a state of limbo between car and pick-up window. As he or she runs into the nearest alley, turn to the employee and vociferate with wide eyes and mouth agape "Dude, he just stole my McNuggets!!!"(Please note the intensity of voice noted by the excess exclamation points). You will then receive a complimentary replication of your previous order and you and your friend get twice the food (If you can keep from laughing). OR the guy calls the cops and your friend spends the night in jail while you pretend to have "never seen him in my entire life."
- Keep a pair of very dark sunglasses and a white cane in your car. When you need to stop for food, park as near to the entrance as possible so people in the restaurant can see you getting in and out of your car.
- Ask for a menu in Braille. Most will have standard printed descriptions of the food too, so you'll know what you're buying even if you can't read Braille.
- Once you've eaten, explain to a member of staff that you think you might have some trouble leaving and ask if it's possible for somebody to guide you out.
- Drive away, still wearing the sunglasses.
- Get some 'one-a-day' vitamin supplement tablets and some chewing gum.
- If the coach, train or plane has reading lights that can be controlled by the passenger, use the gum to stick one of the tablets as near to the bulb as possible, preferably so it's hard to notice.
- Don't use the light!
Vitamin tablets produce the most awful stench when heated up and will fill the cabin with a smell that would knock a vulture senseless.
- Buy one tin of tuna and another of dogfood. Swap over the labels. Take a fork and a tin opener out with you.
- In a public place or on public transport, open the tin and eat with obvious enjoyment.
Bad Smells in Hotels
Best done in a hotel where you've received poor service.
- You'll need to look for a hard-to-find small hiding place that people won't be likely to think of. An ideal place is inside a hollow curtain rail of the type with finials that can be unscrewed.
- Buy some prawns or fishfingers.
- Hide them inside the rail.