HowTo:Fry an egg

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Avocado Fried Egg

Fried eggs go well with avocados. They also go well with apples, pineapples, mangos, different kinds of chili and bacon. Do you have an avocado? No?

Frying an egg is the simplest thing you could ever do. Frying an egg is as simple as eating an egg. Any human being, if given an egg and a pan, would manage to fry it (the egg, not the frying pan). It is so easy that I bet you toddler over there will be able to do this. Yes, that one, who thinks his mother can’t see him when his eyes are closed.

I would certainly bet on that if I had money.

I don’t know what could be less complicated than frying an egg. Boiling an egg, perhaps? No, that would require the knowledge about how much time the egg needs to be boiled and do you know this? Me neither. That’s why we are frying it.

What you need

Frying an egg equation

This formula is about cooking an egg, not frying it. And it is still relatively simple!

Remember! A question always contains at least half of the answer. In our case, that ratio is even more impressive - it contains the whole one. You asked: “How do you fry an egg?” Well, it is enough to delete the first two words and you’ll get it: “You fry an egg” (without the question mark, though).

The word ‘fry’ implies having a frying pan and ‘egg’ implies having an egg to fry. Nothing more, nothing less. You don’t have to know how to analyze classical texts to get this.

Indeed, it is as simple as that. I don’t think there is anything else left to explain here, so I’ll leave you. Good bye, thank you for coming and hope to see you again!

Oh, of course, if you have some questions, you can ask them.

You would like me to show how I fry an egg.

Sure.

However, I think I can’t, as we don’t have an egg. So sorry, you’ll have to carry on alone!

Oh, you found one. I didn’t know you were carrying an egg in your pocket. But you could have told me earlier! If I knew you had one, I could’ve made this presentation more interesting for you with some demonstrations! Oh, yes, I am going to make a demonstration right now.

Fine.

First step - planning phase

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The most difficult part in frying an egg is identifying the different steps. In fact, the whole procedure seems to be so simple, that you can’t just say “Let’s do this first, and next - that and finally - this”. In addition, the influence of our modern culture is such that we tend to emphasize the ‘entireness’ of the whole process. That is - you don’t ask anyone to take an egg, break it and put it onto a hot frying pan: no, you just say “Please, fry an egg”.

And this is where you are wrong. There are many different methods of frying an egg but for me, the first and the most important step should always be planning all the next stages.

The key is not to rush. Sit down at your table with a pen and some paper (it’s better to have a whole notebook reserved especially for this), and spend at least ten minutes thinking ahead, deciding just how exactly you will proceed and answering some very important questions about the result you would like to achieve.

For instance, ask yourself: “Do I want to eat a fried egg or a very fried egg? What diameter should the yolk have?? Do I want a simple egg or an egg with salt, or maybe even an egg with bacon???”

Such planning should never be underestimated and, as it is your egg, I will leave you alone with it for a few minutes.

Step two - getting all the material

No, I am not leaving you, not at all. On the contrary - see? - I even fetched a pan!

Having a frying pan is almost as important as having an egg. In fact, it is more important. If you have an egg but not a pan, at the end you’ll have an egg. If you have a pan and an egg, at then end you’ll have a fried egg.

We often don’t realize the importance of everyday things, and it’s hard to imagine that we wouldn’t be able to survive without them. And yes, you are right, we should probably get to actually making a fried egg.

Now, what’s your plan? You haven’t made one?? What a shame. I will come back when you are done.

Step three - warming up

No, I didn’t try to leave you. There is a problem with electricity in this kitchen, so I called my friend. He’ll come soon.

Here he is. Hi, Bob! Please, excuse his manners, he got electrocuted once, when we were trying to repair Bob's broken phone together. He was not listening to me well, pulled a wrong wire, and now Bob knows everything about electricity. Just saying.

See? It’s fixed. Perfect!

You’ve already made your plan? Let’s see what you wrote:

Cquote1 1. Take an egg Cquote2

I can’t make out why you crossed it out. It seems perfectly right.

Cquote1 1. Take a frying pan and heat it on the kitchen stove. Cquote2

Oh, yes, I almost forgot about it, of course you were right - the pan should come in front of the egg. It is so important that I wonder how I haven’t told you this before. There was even a saying in our family: “Don’t put an egg in front of a pan.”

Our grandfather used to say it to us when we were young children.

It’s good you guessed it yourself. You are a quick learner! Now I will even let you do the first step yourself. Come on!

Yes, turn the stove on... Yes, a bit more! That’s what I am saying - enough. Right, like this, put the frying pan right into the middle of that circle... What? I thought you needed help. If you want to do this alone, come on, fine, I cannot object, good bye!

You do? I expected this! You should be glad I have a very forgiving nature.

Step four - preparing for the frying process

What else have you written?

Cquote1 2. Put some butter on top. Cquote2

That’s right. Butter always goes with bread. With the egg and with the bread, that’s what I mean. Egg, butter and bread - the Holy Trinity, haven’t you heard about that?

I wonder why you didn’t put bread here too - we are going to make a toast first! What do you mean by “butter was for something else”? No, it wasn’t. Unless you wanted to make the egg shiny with it. What do you mean I have to put butter on the pan? You think I do. Well, I would suggest not waiting and frying your egg on your own.

Oh, you are not sure. Well, nobody is sure in this world. I am not sure either. Besides, we don’t have any butter.

Step five - right before

The pan seems hot enough, so maybe we need to put the egg on it. But let’s check first!


AAA!


No! I definitely didn’t put my finger on the burning hot frying pan!! I am not silly enough to touch a pan that is on the stove. No, it’s not red now! It has been red since my birth!! And judging people by their skin colour is not the best thing you can do, while frying an egg! Even those who have red skin won’t be silly enough to touch that pan!

No, I am not angry, I am just very concentrated like orange juice. You have to be concentrated on what you are doing to get good results. When I was living in the jungle... Yes, I did live in the jungle once, when I was a kid. And what? No, I changed my mind, I am not going to tell that story. Not even after a “please”. No. Look, we even forgot about frying the egg.

Let me see your list again. Hmmm...

Cquote1 3. Break the egg... Cquote2

Exactly. That’s what I had in mind. Now let’s break it.

Egg on the sidewalk

No, this is not going to happen. This kitchen floor is not hot enough. I guess we should get the egg on the pan.


Crush


And how else did you want me to do this? Above the frying pan?? Are you jo- Oh, right, I was testing your knowledge. Certainly you wrote it down:

Cquote1 3. Break the egg above the frying pan Cquote2

However, writing something is one thing and knowing it by heart is completely different.

Only, if you could remember this earlier, this egg won't be all over my boot. I am sure you brought another one, haven’t you? An egg, not a boot. No? Don’t worry, I’ll scrub it off.

Step six - the egg is being fried

Here it is, we can safely put it on the pan. I am pretty sure it has reached the right temperature by now and I am not going to check it again.

Yes! The only part that’s left is taking the egg off when it is ready, which I can tell without the list.

We can do anything now. We can talk, we can listen to music, we can watch a movie, because the egg is getting fried. And when it is done frying and is fried all over from bottom to top, we can eat it!

I know where it’s been! That’s just that the heat kills all the bacteria. You ought to know that because you went to school and studied biology, not me. Oh, that’s a long story. Sure, if you want, I can tell it now.

What are you asking? How will I know when the egg is ready? This is a good question but I have an answer to everything! For example, how do you know that someone baked a cake, when you come home and are at the doorstep? Yes! By the smell. It always smells wonderful when something is baked. Well, the same thing should be with the egg, so we don’t have to worry. Frying an egg is a bit different from baking a cake, but there are certain similarities. Everything has similarities. Actually I noticed it that the world is very similar to an egg. Why? I don’t know, but isn’t it clever?

So now, when you are entirely reassured, I can tell my story.

Ah, wait! We forgot about salting it! Too bad, we can eat it without salt, right? Right. That’s what I was thinking.

Now back to the story. When I was a kid and living in the...

What is that strange smell?

Anyway - I know how a fried egg smells, so it cannot be our egg. Let’s continue.

When I was a kid and...

It’s getting more and more persistent. Let’s check. Just in case.

Burnt eggs

This is almost what you got. Only, you have one egg, not two.

Ah.


Ahem!


I beg your pardon!


A-HEM!


Excuse me!


AAA-HEMMM!


A lot of smoke this is.

I guess this did not work as well as planned, sorry!

Now I will have to leave you!

Fried egg and bacon

This is what you could get, if you followed all the instructions properly. You didn’t. I’ll leave it to you to spot the differences.

You should understand my situation! How can you expect me to make something out of this egg now? No, I fulfilled my task and from now on you know how to fry good eggs!

Just know that the most important error you committed is that you were rushing while making your plan. Remember: don’t rush and put the pan before the egg, as my grandfather used to say! Well, good day and hope to see you soon! Maybe you'll manage next time, it is not that complicated.

No, it’s not my apartment, it belongs to one of my friends. Yes, Bob! You know him? Could you please tell him that I would not advise using the kitchen for the next few hours? Thank you very much for your company, but I have to rush!

Don’t worry about money - what you gave me before the consultation will be enough! Bye and thank you for coming!

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