From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I used to be dead but now the girls are all over me! Thank you easyflirt 5000”
So by visiting this website, chances are you are some sad pathetic little nerd who had no social life. Put in this situation you probably turn to your closest friend for advice about women, or if you are gay, other men. Since your closest friend is likely to be your mother, you have made the right place by turning to the internet: this guide. This guide is guaranteed to change you from computer whiz to sex god in just a few bit sized chunks, rather like those little chunks of pineapples, that none of you will be familiar with, that normal people eat at parties.
edit The First Move
My first piece of advice is that if you think a girl is attracted to you in any way, go for it a soon as possible, despite whether you like her or not, this could be your only chance. Next, make sure that you make your move as quickly as possible, and remember girls never make the first move, this is because the lack of a Y chromosome prevents them from doing so.
Now when you making this first move ensure that it is dramatic since other wise she might not realize that the you have feelings for her. It is recommended you follow one of these templates:
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
- Give her a large hug and smother her in kisses, try not not let go until she stops breathing, if she kicks and screams she is just showing that she likes it.
- Burn her name into the local cricket field with herbicide,the larger the letters, the more she will know you care. Remember to tell everyone you know that it was you, especially if they belong to a local cricket club.
- Stick your hand down her trousers and into her panties, proceed to search for the clitoris, if you manage to find it the first time you are almost guaranteed she will stay with you for life.
- Wear incredibly revealing clothing such as Speedo's every time you think you are going to meet her, if this doesn't make her horny, then you're screwed, this trick almost works every time. (Crotch stuffing is recommended but not necessary)
edit Chat up lines
Girls just love chat up lines, the cheesier and more explicit, the better. there are three kinds of chat up lines:
- Just plain rude
You now have a choice, which type of chat up line can have a great impact on your relationship, it has been clinically proven by a lab of Siamese twins that 98% of women prefer the chat up lines found in the just plane rude section, but remember they aren't like world of warcraft characters, each one is different.
So you probably are expecting some examples now. The best chat up line of all time is:
"You're looking rather fat today, did that shirt used to be a car cover? Also, you smell like the behind of a dead moose, three weeks after it was buried! I guess I will be buying you dinner as you look like the cheap kind of person."
Some other great ideas include:
- Thank you, you have saved me heaps, the stars in your eyes are giving me free laser eye surgery.
- Please suck my cock.
- You remind me of my how i used to masturbate over a picture of my mother.
- My penis is hard. Would you like to help me make it soft?
- Your red dress matches your eyes.
- I like your boobs.
- There once was a little wiggly worm, and he wiggled around all his life until one day he died, I dug him up and brought him along for you as a present.
- I can just see settling down with you, having many wonderful children, and then divorcing you leaving you to pay for the wee buggers yourself.
- Pretty girl like you doesn't have to starve that much.
- Are you tired? Because you look it!
- Shut up or it will get worse!
- Big girls like you are beautiful!!
- Wow! A real woman!
- How much would five dollars get me?
- Do you want a black eye?
edit What Girls Really Look For In Guys
The internet may have lead you to believe that a girls mind revolves around the size of their partners penis, this is intact entirely false, girls are intact attracted by ear size, it has been passed down from mother to daughter for many generation the secret that men with larger ears perform better in bed. There is no need to fear that you ears may be too small as ear enlargement pills are becoming increasingly common.
Many girls are also obsessive over the length of toes and fingers, and rightly so, scientific evidence has shown people with longer fingers wear bigger gloves. Unfortunately there are currently no ways of improving this except for surgery or glove stuffing.
Another feature that is really attractive to girls is beer bellies, this show her that he knows how to have a good time. If you wish to achieve this very defined and sculpted look you have to follow a high calorie, high protein, high fat, and low fiber diet. The best food group for this is McDonald's.
Women also really like gray or balding hair. The reasons are currently uncertain but it is believed that it is because these featured are associated with high testosterone levels, which is also associated with better sexual performance. So if you are still young and your hair hasn't changed, it is recommended that you dye your hair grey.
Last and not least is beards. All women love beards and there are no exceptions to this rule. So if you want women, get a beard, the fuzzier the better.
edit The Internet
Since for most of the people who have wasted their time to get this far through this article probably have no social life at all, they're only human interaction will probably occur on the internet. For these people, it may be a hard challenge but it has been done. The end goal is of course cyber sex. Following these simple step will get you to your goal in a flash:
First step is to log into your hotmail and check for any clear chain emails from not-too popular boys and add any emails to girl-like addresses e.g. firstname.lastname@example.org. next you have to add them to your MSN or AIM contacts lists. It is recommended that you mass add people to ensure you get a good contact. Now you must wait for a bit until your first add has been accepted. Now, start a conversation with a simple but causal hello for example 'heyya', or if you feel a little more confidant holding your mums hand 'heyya hun'. Hopefully now you have got this far far it should be all good, but then she asks, 'Who is this?'. This question can be hard as chances are when you say you are a sad driveling nerd who stole you address from some chain mail, you will be faced by an instant block. so then come up with some kind of excuse such as "a friend said you were funny", etc. If she accepts your feeble excuses, you are one step closer. Now all you have to do is wait till the end of the conversation, and put a little 'x'. Faking a leaving of the computer, can both ensure yo get to send this 'x' and also convince them that you don't spend all your time on a computer (even though you do). This has the strange effect on girls to make them like you. Consult your nearest Mother figure. If you are ever asked for a picture, use Google and Photoshop your face onto someone else body, this is where you airbrushing skills prove very useful. If you wish to go on webcam, ensure the lighting in the room is very low and the camera is positioned in such a way you can see very little of you, showing genitals over webcam is a real turn on.
After several days you may even have the guts to meet up with her, the best disguise from stereo typical nerd is the scene kid or emo look, it is easily pulled off without much change, and can prove very attractive. Make sure you follow all the earlier advice, to make sure you go down a hit.
edit Preparing For a First Date
If you have followed all the steps so far, all the girls will be all over you, and soon enough you will find your self preparing for that very first date. First things first, girls like it when guys are dirty so don't wash for at least 3 days before your date, this will also make you hair shinier as natural oils build up. if you are worried about smelling bad, you can easily hide the smell using deodorant. Contrary to common belief girls actually much prefer the smell of perfumes designed for women as they have been designed so they are able to put up with wearing them every day, so when looking for a cologne, try to pick the one in the most feminine bottle, as it will probably smell nicest. If you are feeling rich, try buying three or four perfumes and mixing them, remember you can never have too much of a good thing.
Next comes what to wear, obviously the clothes you chose to wear depend on what kind of date you are going on. To chose remember girls love surprises, so for example if you are on a classical romantic meal out, why not wear a teletubby costume, if you are doing a sporting activity try wearing a suit or armor. and of course you could try the classic, pretend you have forgotten to wear any trousers, and your chances of sex will triple.
edit Small talk
So now your ready for your hot date, you will need some conversation starters. To start with, girls like men who are very organized as it shows they are probably going to earn lots of dosh. So to start off you might want to write an itinerary of the event of the date, if you do this make sure you stick to them. Next you will probably feel the need to create flash cards to help the conversations, chose subjects that you know allot about but your partner doesn't. This will make you seem more mysterious, some recommended discussions are:
- Linux - this should be an easy one.
- Ear wax - If she says you are putting her off her meal, use more detail.
- Baby Pigeons
- Myspace whores - Chances are if she is going out with you she will be one.
- Pubic hair
- Female circumcision - bet she didn't even know it existed.
If these ideas aren't you thing just find something that you know allot about, this could be anything at all, as long as you know what your talking about.
edit Body Language
One of the few things that will make or break a relationship is body language, many men fail to master this and end up saying a load of gibberish in their body language. Remember: women have been trained to read body language and most of them speak it better than English, this makes it a very important thing to bear in mind.
The best body language to show in fidgeting: this shows you know exactly what you are doing so have enough time on your hands to worry about insignificant things such as how long your left thumbnail is. The more fidgeting you make the more in control of the situation you will appear. Obvious fidgeting is highly recommended. Good examples of easy fidgets are:
- Fiddling with hair
- Picking nose
- Checking Mobile for texts
- Biting Toenails
- Blowing your nose - Do it noisily and don't forget to examine the contents afterwards.
- Leaving to go to the bath room to redo your hair - if long bring straighteners with American plug so you can use them in the shaver sockets.
The list goes on. Try to be imaginative and unexpected, if she tells you to stop, do it more.
Once you have mastered fidgeting you need understand how to hint at the next move you will make and recognize what theses will look like if your partner has read this article. Now, the most important piece of body language you will ever use is the folded arms, this tells people that you are enjoying yourself and are ready to take things to the next level. if you see your date using this technique you should realize this will be a hint to spank her arse, hard. If you manage a scream then things are heading in the right direction.
As a guy called Newton once said "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction" - this is true, and you should understand what different actions mean, and how you should respond to them:
- Sweet smile --> Bang me hard
- Kiss on the cheek --> Suck my lungs dry
- Giggles --> Rip off my top
- Folded arms --> You being boring, move it up a notch
- Rolls eyes --> Make love to me right here right now.
If you have got this far the author of this article would like to congratulate you by giving you a cookie, but he is limited by distance, so instead he will give you an emoticon. =D personally flirting comes naturally, flirt with your heart and he/she will love you back for who you are ;)