HowTo:Fix a Guitar
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“In Soviet Russia, guitar sets YOU on fire!”
~ Russian Reversal on Jimi Hendrix
Does your guitar sound out of tune? Are you not getting enough groupies? Is that a grue behind you?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, your guitar might need fixing.
Guitars are gentle instruments that tend to crumble into dust when played. Their strings are deadly booby traps. They can snap just by playing Smoke on the Water, 500 times in a row. And don't even get me started on tuning. Guitars are fucking trouble.
Fortunately, this guide can help you identify any problems and hopefully, help you fix your guitar.
Contents |
[edit] Things to Avoid
[edit] Eruption
There are many ways to break a perfectly perfect instrument into pieces. Easiest way is to play Eruption. That song is actually a synthesizer generated piece of conspiracy by Guitar Companies. Every year, millions of guitars are rendered useless because of this evil plot.
So, DO NOT PLAY ERUPTION!
[edit] Guitar Smash
Another possibility is that you smashed your guitar onstage. It is a common technique that real Pros use. Have you ever wondered why your audience isn't clapping? Maybe you should consider smashing your guitar.
Yes, right now!
They clapping? No? Oops, maybe you just forgot to turn on your amplifier before you started to play. Well, don't bother turning it on now, because you don't have a guitar anymore.
[edit] Termites
Most people think their guitars are protected against termites; guitarovorous animals that can consume your guitar in less than 30 seconds. In the middle ages, it was thought that a thin layer of wood finish was enough to keep such reptiles away, but they were sadly mistaken. Termites began to mutate so they could eat through the finish.
Nowadays, termites are no longer a problem, because one unlucky termite ate Chuck Norris' condom, and needless to say, he hunted down every single termite in the world. Not that he needed a condom.
[edit] Air Guitar Problems
Air guitars are flexible and therefore hard to break. BUT they are easily absorbed by trees. Don't go near trees, because you can't possibly fix that. You'll have to buy a new one. Other than that, I've never seen anyone who's had problems with his air guitar. Well, there was one snob who thought he was a great air guitarist, but he didn't even have the imagination to tune his air guitar.
[edit] Basses
If you broke your bass guitar... Then you're as stupid as shit. I mean, did you possibly expect to get chicks by smashing your guitar or whatever you did?! Just headbang as hard as you can. After the show, you can ask your fellow guitarists for some spare chicks.
Oh, about fixing your bass.. Don't worry about it, no one would even notice it.
[edit] Frequently Asked Questions
- My guitar has a hole in it!
- - It's probably an acoustic.
- There are only 4 strings on my guitar!
- - That would be a bass guitar.
- There's still a hole in my guitar!
- - ...
- I broke my G-string while fingering A minor. What do I do?
-Buy new strings and stop fingering minors. Pentatonic solos are easier.
[edit] Fixing Your Guitar
Now that you're well educated about the dangers of playing the guitar, you're ready to learn.. How to fix guitars!!! ...
Uhh...
Actually, I don't know much about repairing guitars.
Why don't you just take it to the Guitar Center and let Professionals handle it?
Anyway, who comes to Uncyclopedia to fix their guitar?
OMG... has this guy ever held an instrument in his hands... what a duche xD I'm a little sorry for him though...
Another thing... have you ever actually let people fix your guitar? I did and those guys were like: "WTH? Have you never cleaned this part... oiled that part... brushed this... You can't even play this thing why didn't you file this (the thing that holds the strings in place) down a bit." In the end I felt like they wanted to keep the guitar so that I could not do any more harm to it. It is natural that people want to avoid this stuff and take care of their instruments. So guys go ahead and find out how to fix, fine-tune, clean and take care of your guitar.
