HowTo:Find your name on a list
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Hello young sir and/or madam! I am so glad you are here reading my HowTo, instead of the competition! I know there are a lot of people out there who claim they know exactly how to find names on a list. Don't believe them. They are liars. This HowTo is the only one that can assure that you will find your name on a list! I guarantee it! I am so confident in this HowTo that if you can't find your name on a list after reading this, I'll send you five Euros!
edit First off, what kind of list are you looking for your name in?
Often the case, people are actually looking in the wrong list for their name. This, unfortunately, usually results in nothing but tragic futility. Many a man has succumbed to the trickery of lists. Don't let this happen to you.
You can avoid this by first identifying what type of list you're looking at. For example, if you're trying to see if you are one of the people that skank who was your in homeroom class wants to have sex with by the end of summer, you probably shouldn't be looking at the "Worst 10 Mongoose Restaurant's in America - 2008" by Forbes Magazine. Even if you somehow manage to find your name on said list, you'll fail in gaining the knowledge you had wished to acquire. Instead, might I recommend looking at the "Guiz i wanna 2 fuk bi teh ind of SUMr" list on her MySpace page? You don't need to look, though. You're not on it. I already checked.
edit Looking for the right list
Okay, now that you have managed to identify which type of list you're looking for, you must now FIND the list itself. Don't you worry, though. This step is very simple. All you have to do is ask the kind and generous people at Yahoo! Answers for the location of said list. The people at Yahoo! Answers are all self-opinionated and point-craving, so, expect quite a large number of answers from intelligent scholars such as Stephen Hawking.
The best place to ask your question is in the Singles and Dating section, as that is where the smartest of the bunch hangout. Don't ask them if your name is on the list that you're looking for, though. Only ask them for the location of the list that you seek. Otherwise, the rest of this guide would be pointless for you to continue reading. And if you don't keep reading, Mr. Fluggles will get sad. You don't want to happen, do you?
edit Finding your name on said list
Well, you have finally located the list you have been looking for for so long. You're goal is so close to being achieved. Can you smell the odor of victory? Wait... That's just my natural gas... Sorry 'bout that... Huh... I don't remember eating burger...
Anyway, the first you should do is to check to see if the list is in a language you can actually read. If not, then spend the next two years learning to read and speak the language the list is in. Do not rely on any translators, be they computer or person, as both computers and people lie and won't tell you the truth.
Now that that is settled, check and see what order the list is in. Most list are in some sort of alphabetical order. This means it'll start off with the most popular and famous people first declining to the vilest and hated scum on the planet, just like in nature. You'll fall into the latter category of course, so look toward the end of the list. No point in wasting time going through all of those famous and popular people's names, am I right?
Do you see your name, yet? If yes, congratulations! You can fuck off now! If not, go through it a couple of more times. Still don't see it? Then have someone else go through and see if they can find your name.
edit What to do if your name isn't on the list
Well, now that you've established your name isn't on the list, eh? Then, I recommend reporting this to any government official you can get hold of in the most threatening way possible, even if it means through the use of excessive force. Call up random people from the phone book asking why your name isn't on the list if that fails.
But if the list is on Wikipedia or any other wiki site, all you have to do is add your name to the list, and even several other lists if you deem fit. Threaten suit if the oppressive Wikiocracy tries to revert you. If the list is just on paper, steal the list and replace with a crudely drawn stick figure with a message saying you are the greatest and are on top of every list. After all, you DESERVE to be on every list. Don't you agree?!? Everyone should know who you are along with all of your great achievements, even if you don’t have any.