HowTo:Fend off wild animals

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Sick and tired of having to run away every time a bobcat crosses your path? Have poor skills in self protection when encountering wild animals? Hospital fees stacking up? It sounds like you need to learn how to fend off wild animals. This guide uses the notion that you are with someone when encountering a wild animal.

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Fending off wild animals is a chore, and like all chores, this one usually ends up with you having a backache and being sweaty. That T-shirt and shorts won't do much to help you out if you encounter a pack of ravenous gophers right? You should have the following:


  • Jacket
  • Jeans (blue, preferably grass stained, and none of that faded crap)
  • Hat with a spinny thing on top
  • Steel toe boots (no laces)
  • Belt
  • Gloves with the fingertips cut-off
  • Long socks
  • Clip-on tie.


  • Sticks
  • Stones
  • Bones
  • Rubber Dodgeball
  • Oranges
  • Laser pointer
  • Bells
  • Whistles
  • Dog whistle
  • Wolf whistle
  • Vacuum cleaner tube
  • Hammer
  • Chainsaw
  • Super Soaker
  • Mag-Lite
  • Mirror
  • Hickory-smoked ham
  • Sunflower seeds
  • Mousetraps (the sticky gluey kinds)
  • baby dolls
  • Straight Razor
  • Electric Razor

Once you have the following materials, put them on in alphabetical order and be sure to never wash them unless it's vitally important. Be sure to clip away the tags on all of them, they are really annoying.

Image ideas: lions picture in plane shadow, gorilla picture with serious face

Encountering a wild animal with a partner

Alright Bucko, if you encounter a wild animal, the first thing you don't do is point it out to someone nearby. They will scream "AGH! Jesus Christ it's a Lion!" like a ninnie and surely provoke the flounder into attacking. You should always wait for your partner to notice it so they can point it out to you quietly (don't scream either, you already know its there). If the animal doesn't notice you, then you sure as hell don't need to start "fending it off". Nobody "fends off" a snoozing lion, so make sure you or your partner don't try it.


Well, here's the part where you need to start fending and fending fast. There is now a wild animal directly in front of you and if you don't do something soon you're both getting attacked. Don't worry, there are numerous ways of handling this situation, here are some of the more basic ones:

Make yourself bigger

Stow it Beavis, you're not Apache Chief, and this is serious. This is one of the most basic steps to getting rid of a wild animal. If you're wearing your jacket, unzip it and hold the two ends of them up as high as possible while uncertainly telling that riled cougar to shoo. It will most often work, since cougars and similar animals are stupid and have no sense of proportion. If pulling up your jacket wasn't enough, try making loud noises, or try yelling in Hebrew. Strike fear into that animals puny brain.

Grab a stick

Oh sure, you did the thing with the jacket but the wild animal is unfazed, hell, it just looks confused. Grabbing a stick is the next best thing to warding the beast off. (TIP:Even better, find a tree branch with what looks like a discolored football attached to it and smack it over the animals head)Bang your stick on stuff, be sure to swish it in the air and try to scare the wild animal into fleeing. If the animal is playful, try making it fetch the stick. See the stick? See the stick? Stick? Stick?! Stick Stupid! FETCH the stick-ah, no wonder you're endangered.

Throw stones

Wild animals hate that, they will groan and get pretty annoyed. Be sure to aim for the noggin, if you hit that, the animal is certain to run away. Wouldn't you run away if someone was barraging your skull with rocks? I thought so.

Don't use your penis

Don't use your penis to fight off a bear, he may take it away from you.

Other Methods

If you don't like doing those things, then just carry a shotgun with you, preferably a sawn-off one so no one will harass you about carrying around a gun. If an animal comes your way, don't do anything. Wait until it's about to bite you and its face is close to you. Then fire. You know the rest.


Of course these tactics don't apply to every animal equally. Waving a dead tree branch won't cut it when you're fending off a hyena (it'll just go into hysterics at your efforts before lunging for your neck). Be sure to follow the guidelines for unique animals such as the following animals.


Be sure to have a baby doll. If the dingo does not chase a well thrown stick it will certainly chase a well thrown baby doll. If it is possible throw the doll down a hole, partly because that rhymes but mainly because holes have wombats in them, and wombats kill shit that get in their holes.

Jehovah's Witnesses

Very deadly can be avoided on thursdays between 9-12 am. they travel in packs of 2 one to spread the word and the other to add reinforcement. They will knock on your door till someone answers they WILL NOT LEAVE WHEN FORMS OF LIFE ARE IN THE HOUSE.

Laotian Rock Rats

These are deadly animals when they have no idea where they buried their last meal, and if they think you stepped near where they suppose it was buried, it'll snap. Take off your jacket and drape it over a tree branch, then, when the rock rat forgets what it was doing, sweep the ground in a golf club motion very fast. The rock rat will grab hold of it and let go at the peak of your arc. They always do this.


People dont often realise how badass wombats are. It is a little bigger than you think, not as fat as you think and far more muscly than you think. I wombat will try to break your legs and bite you with its festy dirty teeth in the very short time it has between being in the hole and being over there behind you and your broken dirty legs. So you will need to jump whenever you are anywhere near a whole in the ground the wombat will run out and be over there behind you and your prefectly normal legs giving you time to run, you can outrun a wombat especially since your partner that didn't jump near the whole is providing a handy dandy barrier.


Take off your jacket, and use your knife to cut a line in your upper arm. Now clean the wound with your jackets sleeve and put it back on. Now wave it in front of something hard and preferably metallic, such as an anvil or a car door. The bull should run at your sleeve and if you pull your arm away too slowly, the bull will slam into it and give you a really nasty bruise. So be sure to jerk your arm away quickly. The best way to avoid a bull is with a good pare of moon shoes.


Crows are nasty little peckers, but their nuisciance is worse than their caw. Instead of using you're arm, sleeve, or jacket. Pick up a damned shovel and hit a few crows. If you're confused as to why this method of fending off murders of crows is so effective, it's because unlike movie actors, you're not afraid of picking up a damned shovel.


Egg are formidable foe , be sure to pack a teaspoon and salt when in their realm. These two items shall surely make you very safe, safety is key. Egg if left to flee will surely summon Beardsmen, DO NOT let this happen - teaspoon and salt are not match for Beardsmen. Aim teaspoon at to point of Egg for best defence, strike with power then throw salt at soft innards. Please enjoy , Egg dies for your enjoyment.

Jumping Jehoshaphat

These are nasty little buggers, although much easier to deal with than jumping jacks. Pick up a machete, put on a coonskin hat and whack it with a cliche'. It'll go away.

Jumbo Shrimp

Point out to the angry crustacean that it is an oxymoron. It will get offended and leave.


An enraged oxen is a lot less dangerous than an enraged bull. Most normal oxen will when upset, smell worse than usual. Abnormal oxen when upset will run to the nearest body of water and jump into it. Handle without usual precaution, and put clothespins on your nose to prevent vomiting.

Jo-Jojo Big Cheif

Jo-Jojo Big Cheif is a wicked man. To fight Jo-Jojo Big Cheif you first must gather protective wand. Go to Underbridge and find Simon, he has wand for 3 centy. When you have wand you must then visit Meg, she has the eggs. When you have eggs you must get Feather from Vance, He is at the Inn and will give you Feather if you listen to his tale. After you have Feather, Egg and Wand you can then meet Cheif. Cheif is in Wind Tower to the south of village. To enter wind tower you must give egg to Oxen, he will devour Egg and you may pass. Meet Cheif in the kitchen. Cook Feather on Stove with pan, oil, and clove(Both found in Location 7 after meeting Faun). He will enrage at the scent . Use wand to protect your self then puch him to head. Head A Splode!


Pandas are still the most dangerous creature to come into contact with. A famous story goes..." A young Vietnamese boy named Hieu Loung was walking home from school one day when he decided to take a shortcut through the forest. He became lost in the jungle soon after entering, as he walked on he came across an innocent panda eating bamboo. He calmly approached the panda and asked for directions. The panda saw that Hieu was lost and felt his sorrow, the panda smiled and mauled Hieu to death." The only known way to fend of panda attacks is to use an expensive canopener or a gun.



Do not blink.

Although portrayed as violent, a wild gorilla will not try to rip you to shreds at first sight. Instead it will challenge you to a staring contest. If you lose, it will then rip you to shreds for being such a pushover. If you win, the gorilla will stare in utter disbelief as it rips you to shreds. These bastards mean buisness


Wild bears are far more dangerous than regular circus bears, and not as cuddly or skilled in unicycling. By all means, if you ever find yourself in the situation with you and a bear, it's probably your fault for inturrupting it while it was foraging, or it's cub foraging. Anyway, do not "play dead" like they do in comedy movies. Bears will not sniff you and walk away because you dropped to the floor and curled up in fear, they will maul you. Be smarter than that and run like hell, but not in a straight line. Try zigzaging and doing barrel rolls to throw the bear off, it works. I saw Jeff Corwin do it.

By the way, some bears can run up to 40 mph.


Banjo-Kazzoie is a tricky animal to deal with. Banjo-Kazooie is a comibination of a bear (Banjo) wearing a backpack with a bird (Kazooie) placed inside. Banjo has all the qualities of a normal bear, but with Kazooie in its backpack, possesses the abilities of flight and egg shooting. Once you see Banjo-Kazooie approaching the first instinct is to stand in awe at the sight, however this instinct can prove to be fatal, and a safer response would be to whip out your cock and immediately start the ejaculation process. Banjo will become scared at the site and leave giggling.


You're limited in movements when in water with sharks, so it's advised to try to not go in the water. A shark is a very delicate fish head on, and they shy away from contact that could endanger them. The two best close quarters methods of fending off the shark is to punch it right square in the shnozzola. Sharks universally live their whole lives without experiencing this blow to the nose, and you shouldn't have to experience a shark bite. If you have poor aiming, then when the shark is murderously close to you, shove your thumb into it's eye socket. This will certainly break the sharks contact lens and buy you some time while the shark goes and gets another one. Good luck chum.


Eeew, roaches. Oh no, how do I ever manage to get rid of these icky bugs.

Get a flashlight, if you're feeling confident, get some Raid, if you're genocidal, hire a tent to cover your house while you fog the place.

Yoko Ono

The not-quite-fearsome-but-certainly-annoying Yoko Ono should be avoided at all costs. Though her habitat covers all of England, Wales, Scotland and Belgium, you're usually safe if no one around you is pretentious.

Fending off a wild Yoko Ono can be done by any of the following:

  • Singing on key
  • Quoting Shakespeare
  • Keeping your clothes on


Pidgeons are bothersome, numerous and poopy. If wild pigeons are hungry and desperate they may attack or strike with the alpha male of that pigeon flock. The tactic is successful and deadly. Rocks are wayward and a shovel won't last you long enough to clear the flock of pigeons. Have a small child with you at all most times, since the small child is the natural enemy of the pigeon and is constantly on the lookout for them.


Now actually, you won't have to worry about these, because if you saw one you're already dead and can't do anything about it.


Mecha-hitler is a menacing robotic adolf hitler with four rotating gatling guns. Now if you encounter a mech-hitler in the wild whatever you do do not talk about money or kosher food, because he will promptly exterminate you. If at all salute him with your right arm in the air. More than likely you will die.


Wild Bonos are only found in Ireland. They will attempt to sing poorly-written music to you in an effort for you to help starving, AIDS-ridden Africans. Fend off Bonos by burning Irish flags, listening to death metal, or not being in Ireland.

In closing

Well now, you're definitely going to die ready to fend off that pesky and dangerous wildlife out there. All these steps have been proven to be real-life effective and are some of the methods even used by professional hunters, trackers, farmers, crocodile hunters and exterminators

Have you ever met anybody who's died from this? We haven't! So it must work.

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