HowTo:Execute a bank heist

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Bank20Robbery20Photo2012
"Oh, large bills is fine."

A little low on cash? Lost your job? Drug dealing or prostitution not making you enough? Well, its time for the final option: a daring, brilliantly executed bank heist!

This guide will teach you step by step how to pull off the perfect bank heist!

Gather a crew

You can't pull a bank heist on your own. You'll need some professionals to execute the plan properly, and if worst comes to worst, lay the blame on. Make sure you can run faster than them.

  • The Transporter: You won't make it far on foot. Therefore, you'll need a driver (like Jason Statham) to get you to and from the bank. Note: You'll probably also need a car. James Bond's invisible BMW should do well.
  • The Shooter: A key component of the heist. You'll likely want to take hostages, and they won't be intimidated by your skinny little arms. Therefore, firearms are a necessity. Also, make sure they're loaded. That's kind of important. A list of recommended weaponry can include a Colt .45, Uzi, AK-47, Musket, Super Soakers, etc.
  • The Locksmith: Maybe the girl working the counter is acting like the girl working the corner. You might have to pick a few locks here and there. Also, locksmiths tend to be slow, so they make good cannon fodder, despite the fact that no one uses cannons anymore.
  • The Mastermind: This is you. Or it should be you. If it's not you, it's not your bank heist. It's your job to bring the crew together, and be the one to tell the bitch to put the money in the bag.

What to Say

After you come in the door, you have to break the silence. Be careful about what you say, or no one will take you seriously. Here are some good lines to use after you kick that fuckin' door open:

Leonrobbingbank
This guy's got the right idea
  • "Everyone on the floor!"
  • "Hands up! No heroes!"
  • "Where are my pants?"
  • "I'd like to open a checking account!"
  • "This isn't the post office!"
  • "You told me we were going to Disneyland!"
  • "I wanna go to McDonald's!"
  • "Do you have stamps?"
  • "The damn ATM is broken!"
  • "I've got crabs!!" (followed by shooting your ak47 from your hip into the ceiling in a waving manner, just to look badass)
  • "I like turtles!"

The Shootout

If you rob a bank, sooner or later the authorities are going to show up. Thats why you brought the guns. Hopefully you haven't wasted all of your bullets on innocent bystanders (or forgotten to LOAD the guns in the first place) . If you have, throw office supplies and yell profanities at them.

A shootout can often end in a hostage situation. Here's some tips on a hostage situation:

  • Make sure your hostages are PEOPLE
  • Make sure that they're ALIVE
  • Make sure that people actually CARE about them
  • Stay away from windows
  • Stand behind the hostages
  • DO NOT give the hostages guns or your home address and phone number

The Escape Plan

If you did this right, you wouldn't need one, but you fucked up. You killed a hostage and/or one of your crew (hopefully not the driver (I mean, its not really cool to kill anyone in your crew, but the drivers the most important (next to the mastermind (which is you (hopefully))))). Distract the police with a donut or something, then run out the door as fast as you can, but faster. Be sure to break something on the way out. Go out to where your driver is waiting. If the locksmith can't run fast enough, fuck him. Drive away.

The Money

This is why you pulled a bank heist. You're wanted by the authorities, and killed a few (dozen) people, all in a few hours. Give yourself a pat on the back(or on the butt if you roll that way, I'm not judging you). Now that you have the money split it among the crew. Or be a douchenozzle and kill all of them so you can keep all the money (careful, your crewmates might do the same).

Hope you like Mexico...

Combo-burrito
Get used to it

You're wanted for armed robbery, and most likely murder. Time to get out of the country. Canada is not an option, because... well, because it's Canada. Therefore, your first choice should be Mexico. Get used to speaking Spanish and eating tortillas, Senior Estevez.

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