HowTo:End Him Rightly
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You see a fully armored aristocratic knight wielding his fully thick aristocratic longsword. He comes to you and decided to challenge you, even against your will. All you have is either plebeian attire or thick metal plating to cover your skin, as well as the same fully thick aristocratic longsword he has. You gladly accept, even against your will, but as the referee strikes the gong you realize you lack any decent knowledge about HEMA, and are thus defeated within 4 seconds of the round, even against your will. So, to never again experience this defeat you shall read these instructions on how to end your opponent rightly.
This article shall teach the novice, the deacons, the unexperienced, the newborns, the elderly, the disabled, the lepers, and even the self-proclaimed strongest entities on gaining the ability to end his or her opponent rightly, and thus give them the power to end others rightly or fuck up in an embarrassingly funny way, however they pull these right-ending methodologies that this article shall mention later on.
edit History of ending them rightly
The first mention of the phrase "end him rightly" came from the Gladiatoria Codex made by an unknown author, possibly the same guy who made the recipe for boiling fly agaric soup with anthrax seasoning. The English translation (because I'm a fucking n00b at German) says the following words about ending your opponent rightly;
|“||If you wish to end him rightly, hold your sword up on your arm. You must unscrew the pommel and throw it at him vigorously. Close in with the throw and use your sword at him.||”|
In other words, spend some time running around the arena unscrewing your sword's counterweight, then throw it at him. He'll be dazed and confused and you'll have the upper hand at this point of time. This technique has been approved by various medieval military generals and swordfighting masters of their time, even though some are highly skeptical, but almost everyone believed that God might come down from Heaven and save them, who knows?
edit Proper Equipment
Proper equipment is vital to ending them rightly, and that one must be aware of what they should wear first. You don't want to face your fully plate-armored opponent while you yourself wear a maid or witch outfit with cat ears while armed with corndogs on a stick, so one must know the proper combat attire and arsenal. The lightest uniforms can be of the simplest t-shirts you can find in Target or Hot Topic, or the heaviest worn by elite Swiss guards. But one must always (and ALWAYS) carry a sword with a detachable pommel, as the pommel is crucial in ending your opponents rightly. Hand axes, polearms, pikes, machetes, spears, tridents, and even firearms are illegal, but if they have pommels they're acceptable for other techniques of ending him rightly. Any other weapons are also allowed as long as you always possess a sword with a detachable pommel.
edit The most basic method
According to the image to the right, the most basic method of ending your opponent rightly is through the TFPBRIBTSR method. The method of executing this technique is as follows if the acronym wasn't obvious enough:
- Unscrew the pommel of your sword.
- Throw the pommel at your opponent, even if they're fully armored. This will confuse and/or frighten your opponent as they will believe you're throwing water balloons full of extremely corrosive chemicals or (otherwise a grenade) at them.
- Dash towards your opponent and bash his skull with your sword.
- Repeat step 3.
According to historical manuscripts, this is the most effective of all methods of finishing a male righteously.[WTF?] Optionally you can use other weapons in your disposal to perform step 3, as long as you always execute the first two steps beforehand.
edit Throw Fucking Pommel Before Rushing In Poking Them Repeatedly
This may be an alternative method and otherwise not an expansion of the original method of ending him rightly, but as long as steps 1 and 2 are always executed first, you will always have the upper hand in battle.
- Unscrew your sword's pommel.
- Throw the pommel at your opponent.
- Dash towards your opponent and poke him with your sword.
- Repeat step 3.
You can use spears, but even rapier swords that have a pommel will apply to execute TFPBRIPTM.
edit TFPBRI Shooting Them Repeatedly
- Remove pommel.
- Throw pommel at him.
- Just fucking shoot the guy with any armor-piercing firearm you have... Unless you don't, which is where the "repeat" part comes in.
Any renaissance or otherwise modern firearms are okay, even 9mm or 7.65 parabellum, as long as you still carry a sword with a pommel. People argue that this method of ending him rightly finds the "throwing the pommel at your enemy" part rather unnecessary. In fact, there's no reason to carry a sword in the first place when you obviously have a firearm that can pierce metal plating to commit masculine murder of justice, but historians argue that the methodology is not "right" if it doesn't involve any pommels being thrown at.
edit TFPBRI Dancing Them To Death While Singing Song Fitting To Your Dance Repeatedly
- Remove pommel.
- Throw pommel at him.
- Sing and dance until the opponent dies.
The preferred song would be Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley, but this risks ending the user wrongly if they somewhat heard it, unless they're a big fan of Rick, just like me mum. People suggest dancing That's The Way (I Like It) by K.C. & The Sunshine Band, which is a lot safer but takes a lot more time to kill a single man, presumably about 3 hours, assuming that the user doesn't stop dancing and singing.
edit Ending Him Rightly With A Brick
Contrary to what was depicted in the image, this still requires a pommel, or otherwise a sword with a fired Mesopotamian brick for a counterweight.
- Unscrew thy pommel.
- Throw pommel at thy foe.
- If pommel was made of brick, pick brick up and smash it on his face. Otherwise get your brick and smash it on his face. However, if the brick is on a stick somehow, impale your opponent with the stick, brick-point.
- Repeat step 3.
This shall end him rightly in an architectural way, especially if you're either an architect or an engineer. If you're actually looking for ways to commit suicide with a brick, click here for more information.
90% of fighters die right before fully executing this trick, and those who did simply thought the idea was stupid, so 60% of those who managed to pull this off were killed due to the sudden alteration of weight transfer in the sword and 37% did the trick only once in their entire lives. The other 3% did this again for historical re-enactions, 99% of whom did it for fun while the rest took it seriously and devoted their lives for it. Due to the high death rate, many historians and fencing teachers advise not to end his opponent rightly. At all. Ever.
Supporters of this technique (all of whom inhale alternative church incense on a daily or weekly basis), also known as the "End Him Rightly cult", believe that this technique is the ultimate test for every swordfighter that, if successfully executed, will leave the aforesaid swordfighter remembered as an epic badass hero, or a badass idiot like the ice fairy I mentioned from the beginning. Weeaboos, however, suggest using katana pommels instead, as they claim that the katana's pommel doubles as actual incendiary weapons, made of Nippon steel folded 1000 times to increase blast radius. Since weeaboos are entirely different from the EHR (because weeaboos prefer to stick in their own little world consisting of four small islands and claiming it as their own, see the samurai article for more information), they often argue which weapon actually has the best pommel for terminating humans with penises justifiably, whereas Hugh Hefner once said that it's the "bunny girls" that can give climatic events, especially if they have pommels inside them during procreation. Everyone in the room now disregarded the entire argument as somewhat silly, so they all laughed and went on to eat in Starbucks.
- ↑ According to other translations the phrase "end him rightly" is replaced with "if you want to fuck him up real good".
- ↑ Just forget that they were both holding spears.
- ↑ MGs like the M2 Browning are fine as long as you can still throw the pommel of your sword somehow.