HowTo:Eat a Banana

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

As difficult as it might be to realize that not everyone has eaten a banana, it is a sad and unfathomable truth, although it is full of potassium and is extremely healthy. Perhaps after reading this article, everyone will at least try a banana, and enjoy it, because now you will know how to eat one. We sincerely hope to help the world investigate this obscure activity popular at certain brief times of the year in remote reaches of the globe.

Leon Banana
Personalize your banana so that you will not lose track of it before you manage to get it into your mouth

edit Finding the Banana

Look for a banana that is yellow in color and lightly speckled with small brown or black speckles. Too many speckles are an indication of over-speckle-ation, which is undesirable unless you like speckled bananas with plenty of speckles, in which case you should look for one which is heavily speckled with large brown or black speckles. Direct a sporting eye towards eBay if you can't spy enough speckles. Banana speckling services have surprisingly sprung up this spring everywhere from Springfield to Spotsylvania, and may be spilling into the suburbs of a city specially near you. WARNING!: Green bananas usually need more time to ripen, when green they have a defence mechanism similar to sea cucumbers, spraying the inside of your mouth with a coating which will feel 'ghagh' so avoid these at all costs or use a method to ripen the banana.

Aabanana gun
Hold it carefully and WATCH where you point that thing

edit Holding the Banana

Seek Assistance

Consult a botanical reference encyclopedia and find the stem, which is the growth that connects with other bananas to form a bunch. Put on a heavy duty surgical glove and extend one of your hands and flip the banana around so that you're holding the stem of the banana. Grab tightly.

edit Peeling the Banana

  • Start the peel at the end that's facing up, doing a pinch-and-tug to get the peel off.

Peel it on down. It should peel just right.

  • Some people prefer to peel the entire thing and then eat the banana and the peel, while other peel as they go and still others just munch a big bite out of the entire fruit. Depends on what kind of a hurry you are in.
  • Remove the "banana strings" as you go. (The fibrous bits that run the length of the banana between the edible part and the peel.) Use tweezers or tongs in case the strings contain germs or cooties of any kind.

edit Danger, Do Not Attempt as a Beginner

Bananadress
Dressing the part can make banana consumption more fun once you master the basics of this tricky skill

You have to understand that the entire reason we take great time and care to write how-to articles about these things is because they are very risky and cannot be done by just anyone. Under no circumstances should you attempt these instructions if not already skilled at eating other, simpler-to-eat fruits. Those not already adept at eating such fruits as apples, cherries and grapes must not attempt any banana eating maneuver, and must absolutely be wearing special safety equipment and goggles. We are not kidding, banana injuries are no laughing matter and come in number two on the home injury list right after injuries sustained by those who can't find the TV selector flying into a fit of rage.

edit Throw the Skin away



If you are in a closed environment (such as in a car on a trip, or in a hotel room) either seal the peel in a bag or find another garbage can away from your area. Banana peels can fill a room with their scent in no time, sending you into a sickbed with a sense of sickening sniff sensation.

    • Banana peels make very good compost. So do not throw any away, no matter how aromatic shall we say, they might be. You will want to save your leftover banana peels and begin a compost pile for your garden. If you live in New York City, use the local park.
    • Alternatively, banana peels can be used in many recipes. Banana peels are a main ingredient in many east-Indian desserts and main courses. So please start a whole new way of cooking. There is no sense in wasting.
Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

edit Alternate Methods

  1. Try any of these ways to eat a banana:
  2. Stand on your head.
    • Fry sliced bananas in butter, splash on some rum, and when the rum is hot, set fire to the fumes to impress your guests. It would be silly to eat a banana if your house was not full of guests, so enjoy. Add a little orange juice and cook till hot again, sprinkle with dark brown speckled (oh, let's not start that again!) sugar and serve with cream or ice cream. This dessert is so nice it is illegal in some countries.
    • Mash a ripe banana and mix it with natural yogurt to make a delicious breakfast or dessert. Just place the banana in a ziplock and roll over it with the tires of your car.
    • Freeze a banana to eat as a nutritious Popsicle-like frozen treat.
    • Mash a ripe banana and mix it with cream and add sugar. Mmmmm.


Tip

Some people think that you can open a banana only from the top (the part that is longer.) The best way is to pinch the bottom nub of the banana and the peel at the top will begin to split. This way, no excessive mashing will occur. Enjoy your non-squished banana!

Tip

If the banana you want to eat is too green, put it in a brown paper bag for 24 hours and the next day it will be yellow! Alternatively, you may leave the banana at the ready on your counter, where it will ripen nicely on its own.

Tip

Ripening bananas give off a gas that causes other fruit to ripen more quickly! This is why some people store them away from the fruit bowl and even hang them up on little wooden stands.


-If you believe you have reached the point of being an expert banana opener, you may consider advancing to the next level. WARNING Do not continue reading if you have not reached the point of being an EXPERT banana opener. Even the knowledge of this overwhelming awesome alternative method may cause thee them temptations to attempt opening bananas in this awesome way, and failure could result in severe crying, mushy bananas, severe headaches, mushed banananas on thine face, or even death. Continue onward to learn how to open a banana....using your forehead. Step 1: Hold banana firmly (yet not so firmly that banana begins to mush, for that would be terrible) with both hand on each end of the banana so that the curve of the banana is facing thine face. Step 2: With full confidence bring banana as quickly as thou can to thy forehead with the most momentum possible. DO NOT MISS THINE FOREHEAD. And under no circumstance should this method of opening bananas be used with plastic or metal bananas. If thou failed to break the banana, under no circumstance should thou attempt to break the banana a second time, for it has already be ruined and must be disposed (in the appropriate way shown above) of within 11 minutes. A third attempt is right out. Step 3: Look in awe at your perfectly split banana (Note: Lopsided foreheads may cause uneven cuts, those with lopsided faces should consider alternative ways of opening banana) Step 4: If desired, the banana may now easy be shared with a companion, or hoarded to thine self.

edit Warnings

  • Bananas go bad if kept out too long. However, if the smooth whiteness is spoiled by a little bad spot, you don't need to throw the banana away - just carve that nasty bit out with a knife.
  • Keeping bananas with apples may imbue the banana skin bad color (brown instead of yellow).
  • If you store your bananas in refrigerator, this will cause them to turn brown/black. However, this is only a cosmetic change. The interior regions of your crescent-shaped produce will stay nice and banana-fresh.
  • To tear a banana in half, pierce the skin half-way along its length with a fingernail, just enough to snap the fibres, making a cut about half an inch long. Gently bend the banana away from the cut and the whole fruit should tear in half with no mess or bruising at all.
  • The peels are slippery, and it is a good thing you have read this article, or else you never would have known that!

edit Comments

This is very offensive! Dare I say bananas aren't meant to be eaten. They must be free and brown! Btw. the ripening gas we release is actually traces of your mom's big fat ass which when eaten in bananas, causes pervertionation and a chance of serious injury or death. Rare cases will result in you turning to your mom, or ending up up my ass in a not so nice manner. ---Bananaorge Bush


This is really cool!!! I didn't know how to eat a banana before. ---Past President of Apple Grower's Association


Hey Curious George, EVERYONE knows how to eat a bannana. --- H. A. Rey


"Imma letchu finish, but plantains are far more delicious than bananas!" --- Kanye West


"Free bananas for everyone!" --- Oprah


"You have to peel a banana?" --- Captain Oblivious


90% of the people I see eating bananas are doing it from the wrong end. This will hopefully straighten them out! I am also happy to see that "banana strings" have been identified for the nuisance that they are. I was a little disappointed when my edit about placing the Chiquita sticker on the forehead was regected. ---Former CEO, Chiquita Banana Corporation


this is sooooo much dumb even a jerk knows how peel and eat a banana or no someone might eat the skin and throw the banana hahahahahha! p.s from where did you get the strange picture? ---Third Grader


What a load of rubbish we weren't born yesterday and this isn't accurate anyway. ---Gifted Newborn


No offense, but....The wrong end of a banana? Who gets to decide that? The banana police? ---Dr. Phil


Haha...eating bananas? you guys are out there. I never understood those weird yellow things, and I don't think I ever will. Besides, if my mom found out about me eating bananas, she'd flip out. I think I'll just stick to bread, thank you very much. ---Wynona


It's too late for me, I didn't peel the banana correctly and it jumped straight through my eye socket and burrowed itself into my brain, where it laid eggs. I have 12 days to live. ---Distressed Person who chose not to read this article before eating a banana.



With appreciation to a very serious site called wikiHow where pieces of this article may at one point have appeared under such titles as How to Eat a Banana and How to Peel a Banana.

Personal tools
projects