HowTo:Eat Your Own Leg

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

If you are hungry, you might want to eat something. Chips, bread, pie, bananas in pajamas, whatever. But if all you find in your pantry is dust, you might want to consider something else, something extreme, your leg. You can eat your leg anywhere, in your house, on an island, at the cafe, as a snack at your local YMCA, wherever you feel appropriate.

Pete doherty 300x400

A man, possibly a drug addict, who might eat his leg

edit Preparation

Eating your own leg is painful, but at the same time it's nutritious and delicious. Legs are filled with strong muscles, unless you are a lazy bum who still lives in his mom's basement. If you do live in your mom's basement, why not just go eat some chips. Getting your leg off is the hardest part, the rest is easy. In any situation where you eat your own leg, you will need to have some basic items that will help you make it through the process.

Tip

Steak Knives will do best cutting through flesh, but other knives like Swiss army knives will do fine too

Something to Cut With Your going to need to get that off somehow. Unless your a really freaky you'll probably want to get the leg off before you eat it. If you are freaky however, go ahead and eat your leg now, and stop reading this.

Something to Numb the Area You don't want to cut your leg off while you can still feel do you? The best options are gorilla, rhino, or other large animal tranquilizers, or illegal drugs, such as PCP. All can be found at your local street corner. If you are more down to earth, you can put your leg to sleep by cutting off the circulation, which is explained in Eating your leg on an island.

Things to Break Your Leg Off With Sledgehammers, large rocks, leverage, cars, and other bone crushers will do fine.

edit Eating your leg on an island

So you find yourself stranded on an island, approximately 15yds in diameter, with a 47.1 yd2 area. On this island, there is a beach around the border of the island, and a sole lonely palm tree exactly in the center which is surrounded by a nice lush grass. The island is basically a mound surrounded by the deep blue ocean. Sounds like paradise, but what if you're hungry?

Materials you will need: 1 Knife 1 Leg 1 Small, yet large rock 1 Large rock 1 pair of shirt and pants

1. Consider your circumstances Are you really that hungry? Is there fruit on the island? Is there a ship in the distance? Do you have friends on the island, and do they have legs? Consider not eating your leg.

2. Get ready Prepare yourself for cutting off your leg. It’s going to hurt, bad. Make sure you have your materials you need: A knife, a rock you can hold, and a rock you can use as leverage, as well your clothes. If you are missing any of these, you can’t eat your leg.

Take off your shirt and pants. Don’t be scared. You’re on an island by yourself, or your close friends. They probably won’t judge you. Cut off a fragment of your reproductive organ. Put that in your mouth and clench your teeth on it.

3. Cut off the circulation Tie the shirt in a tight knot around your leg, below the knee preferably. Make sure the knot or the shirt won’t slide around, or fall off.

Wait a long time A really long time. Your leg should be really asleep. don't get to hungry though!

4. Make the incision Make sure you’re cutting the correct leg. Don’t be dainty. Start slicing madly at your flesh. Don’t be too wild; be sure to not cut any other part of your body, especially the leg you want to keep. Make it to the bone Cut around the circumference of your leg, getting to the bone an all sides. That way you can break the leg of without hurting yourself more than necessary.

5. Get your large rock and put your leg on the other rock You will use this rock to make breaking your leg off easier. Take your profusely bleeding leg and set it on top of the large rock and madly bash the smaller rock into the bone.yummy!

6. After your leg falls off, stop the bleeding as best as you can. Don't stop and think about Halo 3, you're losing blood. Take your pants and use the knife to cut off a pant leg. Using that pant leg cut another strip off that pant leg. Slip the pant leg over your leg, and tie off the bottom, then tightly tie the strip at the top of the pant leg. Now feel free to think about Halo 3 where the chief is taking a huge dump and crap is going every where! Alternatively make a fire with the palm tree, and cauterise that stump. Only the attached end though, unless you really like red meat.

7. Make sure the bleeding stops or is not profuse. Basically your shirt should stop most of the blood from actually getting out of the leg, and the pant leg you just made should catch any extra. If your leg seems to bleeding too much, try tying more strips of your pants to your leg, or tightening the old ones.

8. After you finish crying and regretting your decision, go ahead and eat your leg. It should taste delicious. If you were smart enough to make a fire, then you could roast your leg to remove any impurities. Oh, and make sure your friends don’t get any. If you are nice and fat, chances are you'll want to eat the fat. Try not to do this, the fat has more valuable uses such as fishing, insulation, and buoyancy. This could be vital when you find you can't swim straight. Depending on how hungry you get you can keep the bones for splints so you can hobble better, or use the rocks to smash them for marrow.

Personal tools
projects