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So, you've decided to be a part of the craze that's sweeping the world as the moment: eating. However, eating is never as simple as most people assume, and always be sure to refer back to this guide when attempting to eat.
edit IntroductionEating was first discovered by the Egyptians, and if I recall properly, a man by the name of rottenkarma made the breakthrough while surfing the net. Displeased by the very short life expectancy of their people (around 3 weeks), the Egyptian government decided to implement the new practice, in hopes that it would help their economy by providing workers who were tall enough to operate doorknobs. Eating did not catch on well to start off with, however, following the production of Egypt's first icecream factory, eating levels skyrocketed. Eating soon swept the globe, becoming the favourite past time of fat people and bulimics (who were just doing it to fit in) alike. There were those who resisted the changes, and we now know these people as anorexics.
Want to get in on the fun? I'm not surprised. Well here's how.
edit Step 1
Okay, now the first thing you're going to want to do once you've decided to eat is to assemble the equipment. There are a multitude of different utensils to aid you in your adventure. Most of these items are available for a small fee from your local warlock/witch. They are also readily available to those unafraid of pilfering a few off resturaunts or hotels (which will be discussed in later chapters). These are just a few of the wide range of items available:
- Knives. Rarely used since the Babylonian times, may aid those without a strong grip or front teeth.
- Forks. Very popular in contemporary culture, being phased out by the spork.
- Spoons. Again popular in contemporary culture, again being phased out by the spork.
- Sporks. Very popular after contemporary culture, is phasing out the fork and spoon.
- Napkins. Aids in the recovery process.
- Plates. Contains other items, along with food.
- Bowls. Able to contain items unaffected by the plate (eg soup).
- Suitable armour. I would recommend nothing less than a runite chainbody.
- Scissors. Useful for defending one's self from Emos, simply throw item at attackers, and let them do the job.
- Hypodermic syringes. You never know when a shot of adrenalin may come in handy.
- Oscar Wilde. A necessity at any eating event.
- Clothes hangers. Useful in recovering (alternatively, a good place to dry clothes).
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- Michael Jackson. In case you are approached by a small child while attempting to eat.
- And finally: Pikachu. Can shock opponents into paralysis.
Once you've picked up a few of these things (although, it is not recommended that you acquire a knife, as you will be seen as a square. A fork is more than enough), you are ready to proceed to the next stage.
edit Step 2
Now it's time for the next stage of the process: Finding something to eat. This can be very easy or very hard, depending on your medical condition, preferences, and financial status. For first timers, I recommend purchasing your own food, as it requires time and skill to be able to produce one's own food. Now, I'm not an expert on buying food (I'm more of a swallowing guy), however, there are a few basics that you need to understand before partaking in this activity.
First of all, come armed with your Michael Jackson, scissors and spork. Now, prepared for the journey, you must seek out the most secret and ancient society of all time: The 7-11 clan. To reach such a secret society is not an easy task for beginners, a brutal and often shaming initiation procedure must be undertaken before the location of the aptly name "convenience stores" is revealed. After reaching the location, it is time to locate something to eat.
Generally, any object purchased from such stores is edible, however, the following items are not recommended by the Federal Eating Advisory Committee Commission Council:
- Anything with a used by date showing a date that has already passed (for example, if your chosen product has a sticker reading the words "eat by 10-9-16bc", do not buy the product). The reason for this is that products passed their used by date have gone out of fashion, and while they are technically still edible, I wouldn't be seen eating a can of 3 year old baked beans, would you?
- Items that have already been half consumed.
- Anything that causes the shop owner the glance around and whisper to you in a strange voice when attempting to purchase.
NB. Money is often required in the obtaining of these items.
For those wishing to be a bit more adventurous, food can be obtained from just about anywhere, free of charge. When finding your own food (which is a popular option for hobos), please take notice of any warning signs nearby the chosen place of finding. These can be characterized by the large bio-hazard signs nearby. Generally, anything able to be moved to a safe location can be classed as food. However, remember that you will encounter some problems later on if you have chosen a large and heavy item as your chosen piece of food, such as a rock.
edit Step 3
Now to find somewhere to eat. Popular eating locations include:
- At Home
- In the park
- While swimming
- In the inside of a grue
Eating can be performed anywhere, although, special care should be taken while attending a funeral. It is also apparently very erotic to eat as you spectate the shaving of a monkeys arse, however statistics have shown that there are more ejaculations from spectators eating and watching a monkeys arse shave then people who wank.
edit Step 4
This step is by far the most popular step, and involves moving your chosen piece of food from outside of your body to the inside of your body. This is usually achieved in the following manner:
- Take to food with knife and fork, hacking it into small pieces (this step is optional).
- Grip a piece of the food firmly in your preferred hand or foot.
- Insert hand (containing food) into mouth.
- Let go of food while also being careful not to spill.
- Remove hand from mouth (note: it is vital to do so before attempting the next step).
- Close mouth.
- Open Mouth.
- Repeat 6 and 7 until food starts falling out of mouth.
- Keep mouth closed.
The first stage has been completed, now for the tricky bit.
- Push food to back of mouth using tongue.
- Tilt head back.
- Open throat.
- Let food slide down back of throat.
If you have performed the above steps correctly, there will be no food in your mouth nor down the front of your shirt. Do not panic, this is perfectly normal, there is no need to sue the hobo that sold you his 5 year old sandwich. This is all the input needed on your behalf. There should be a pleasant (or not-so-pleasant) after-taste in your mouth. After you have successfully swallowed the food, the inner body takes over, and extracts various chemicals from the food.
edit Step 4
A few days after swallowing the food, its time to complete the final part of the process. (For further instructions, see howto: go to the toilet). Now first things first, find yourself a suitable location, away from the public (for our sake), although, some choose to ignore this rule. Read the howto: undress section, and then remove you lower body garments. Squat on ground, and push through your stomach towards your thighs. If this hughly complex action has been completed correctly, a semi-permiable brown substance should reside on the ground below your position.
Finally, you have beheld the wonders of eating, and successfully completed the entire action. Well done, give yourself a pat on the back. Go on. You know you want to. No? Oh well then.
For further information, try enrolling at your local Eating Club, they offer many great courses to help you fine tune your eating skills.
Well, that's all from us here on the moon, see you next time.