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Your dignity been irreversably tarnished. Your grand reputation stained. How? Did someone splash water on you? Steal your lunch money? Revert your edit because thay thought it wasn't funny? It doesn't matter. All that does matter is that someone's going to be sorry they ever messed with you. You're going open a can. You're going to rip lips. You're going to challenge that sorry mutha to a duel. Yu-Gi-Oh! style.
In all your anger and angst, you may forget that the other person is stronger than you. So, to counter this, you must walk into battle prepared. Some good weapons to equip yourself with include, but are not limited to:
- Mace (as in pepper spray)
- Mace (as in a spiked ball attached to a chain)
- ^ That's a Flail you dumbfuck
- Brass knuckles
- Bullet-proof shoes
- Heart of the cards
- Aluminum knuckles
- Numerous concealed knives
- Master sword
- Flesh-covered bone knuckles
- A bullet-proof vest, if surprise endings are your thing.
- Powdered wig
- A saucy, standoffish attitude
- leather belt
But don't run off to the pawn shop just yet; you need a specific type of pistol. One of those ones that they used way back when. Proper dueling pistols sleep in ornate velvet-lined wooden boxes, make a lot of noise, and produce a lot of smoke. As a rule of thumb, if you can't find a pirate using that pistol, than you're probably using the wrong kind. Substituting a semiautomatic weapon is considered unsporting, and your opponent may complain once you have thoroughly murdered them.
It is also important to be mentally prepared. Many duelers promise a thrilling confrontation but end up sobbing or giggling at inopportune moments. It's all too easy to forget that dueling is a spectator sport, and dueling fans are notoriously hard to please. Take time before your death match to meditate on what your life will mean to people who remember you. If this does not work, review your credit report, or ask your significant other if they have any ideas on improving you.
Where you duel is an important factor. Any dumbass can hold a duel in his mother's basement, but if you duel on a floating platform in a volcano, you will be both feared and respected. You may also choose to duel on the wing of a moving aeroplane, or on the dark side of the moon. Just make sure that your location allows you to kill your opponent in a fashonable style (throwing him into rotating helicopter blades, allowing him to be eaten by a swamp monster, etc.) Consult Mortal Kombat for additional fighting locales.
In dueling, as in marriage, choosing the right opponent makes all the difference. Your nemesis should be someone you have a grudge with, someone who owes you money, or someone who has offended you, a member of your family, or a product you support (The Apple versus Microsoft debate has left hundreds dead and thousands slapped). Simply walking up to a sleeping hobo and shooting him is not considered a duel, unless his sleeping offends you.
If, like most people, you do not wish to die, you should not choose an opponent who can kill you.
Look for these qualities in a would-be opponent:
- Stupid: Opponents of below-average intelligence are highly sought after in the world of dueling. Start by checking your local Waffle House or visit a Monster Truck Rally.
- Weak: Best for hand-to-hand contests. Acceptable in hammer-to-head contests as well.
- Wheelchair-bound: avoid opponents in motorized and/or armored wheelchairs. Some armored wheelchairs are in fact tanks.
- Elderly: While dueling an elderly person almost always guarantees you victory, it is frowned upon. Consider children instead.
If you happen to come across a person with all of these qualities, then that means you have found a perfect person to duel!
There are several acceptable forms of duels. Knowing the customs and etiquette of each form will save you from unnecessary embarrassment and/or puncture. Here are a few of the more common types you may face. It is important to remember that in any type of duel, your goal is to survive with your dignity and honor intact. If this is not possible, consider merely surviving. Only suckers die with honor.
Victorian Pistol Duel
In a pistol duel, the combatants stand back to back, take ten steps away from one another, turn and fire. The fairness of this method depends on neither party turning at step nine or earlier. It's a lot like a trust game, except that cheating means you are not killed. Think about turning at or before step 1.
Western Style Pistol Duel
Western duels are similar to the Victorian style, except that trust in your opponent is replaced with punctuality. Western duels are fought at high noon, in order to ensure good lighting. It is important to be on time for your western duel, or someone will be killed in your place. Opponents face one another from twenty paces and draw pistols from holsters. It is difficult to cheat at the western duel, but you should try anyway.
Also called swashbuckling, sword fighting is an acceptable substitute for budget-conscious duelers who can not afford firearms. If swords are too expensive, rocks, forks, tree branches, or cutting remarks can also be used. The typical swashbuckler sports a glorious puffy white shirt and pantaloons. This is because the typical swashbuckler is gay.
If you're old school to the point of archaic (if you're not sure, see if you use words like archaic), then you might want to settle your dispute battling for honor in the arena. Even if you're not quite sold on flamboyant costumes and possibly meeting your demise at the end of a trident, consider this: even if you lose, there is a chance the audience will spare you. Plus, didn't you ever see Gladiator? I DARE YOU to tell me that would not make you feel like a bad ass
For pussies only. Avoid at all costs.
Various Methods of Survival
Not one for tension? No fear! Duels are not only incredibly easy to start, but also incredibly easy to cheat at.
If you Lose...
See: You are dead
If you Win...
You open your eyes. Your opponent lies dead on the other side of the arena. The smoke floating up from the barrel of your gun mixes with that tingling sense of accomplishment. You have won your duel. Congratulations. You start to dust off your cape when you hear the sirens. You thought you could get away with killing a man? Welcome to the 21st century, buddy. Coppers have no tolerance for a man who has just cold-bloodedly killed a stupid, weak, wheelchair-bound, old, fat nobody. You had better start running.