HowTo:Drive your car out of a lake

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[[Image:divercar.jpg|thumb|right|Preparing to enter the car.]]
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[[Image:ScubaCar01.png|thumb|400px|right|<i>"Shut up, Shirley! I don't trust the valets!"</i>]]
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{{HowTo}}
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Parking your car in a lake is easy. Maybe you’ve left your car in [[Switzerland|neutral]] on a steep embankment next to a lake and gravity did the parking for you. You may have mistaken the lake for a rippling parking lot filled with cresting wave-like shopping carts. Or you parked your car in a ditch at the start of monsoon season and the lake sprang up around it. Regardless, the easy part is over. Now you face the more difficult challenge – getting the car back out of the lake. You could hire a tow truck to drive in after it, but that is a costly business. Similarly, a crane could be employed to retrieve your vehicle, provided it has ample bill length and unnatural avian strength. Or you could just drive your car out of the lake. Really, it’s the only rational choice.
   
So you have a car, but the car is in a lake. You want the car out of the lake. You don't want to spend the money to call a tow truck or hire a crane. Well, this article will demonstrate the necessary steps to driving your car out of a lake.
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==Step One: Locate your vehicle==
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To find your car, swim directly into the lake. If the car is floating it will be easy to spot, although some turtles may be mistaken for a floating car. If you find a turtle -- keep searching, as this is not your car but a [[David Icke|reptilian imposter]]. If the car is sunken, the process for locating it is trickier. Sunken cars require scuba gear, a metal detector and, if the lake is dark, a strong flashlight. Now plumb the lake’s depths to locate your missing vehicle. If the metal detector or flashlight stop working, check the batteries.
   
==Step One: Get into the car==
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Once you’ve found your car, you must get inside.<ref>If your car is a convertible you may skip this step, as the inside of your car is always outside. Unless you keep the top up, but then what is the point of owning a convertible? ''Freak!''</ref> If the car is floating, the act of getting inside may cause it to sink. This is a good thing, as you need the car to be at the bottom of the lake in order to drive it. A car will not move unless the rubber meets the road. In this case, the lakebed will act as road. To enter a sunken vehicle, simply open the door. If the door will not open, it may be locked. Use your keys to unlock the door. If you’ve parked your car in the lake with the keys still in the ignition, resurface and acquire a metal coat hanger. Bend the hanger, slip it down through the top of the window and use it to [[Jimmy Savile|jimmy]] the lock open. If the door still will not open, the water pressure may be too great at this depth. We probably should have mentioned that earlier. No matter, just break the window.
You will need to learn how to swim for this to work, since a lake usually means a sizable quantity of water too deep to wade through. If the car has already sunk, this is tricky. If you open the door while the car is underwater, you will need to learn to breathe underwater. Hopefully you have diving equipment handy, including scuba mask and oxygen tank. If the car is still floating, opening the door will typically cause the car to sink, and again you will need underwater breathing equipment. But you will want the car to sink, so that you can drive the car along the bottom of the lake, unless the car has a rudder on it. If the door will not open, simply break a window, and carefully climb/swim in, trying not to scratch yourself on the broken shards of glass. Fortunately, most cars have safety glass windows. Again, if the car has sunk and is underwater, this will bring water inside the car.
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<small><references/></small>
   
==Step Two: Turn the key in the ignition==
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==Step Two: Start your engine==
You did remember to bring the car key with you, didn't you? Otherwise you will need to hot-wire the car, which is another matter entirely.
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[[Image:divercar.jpg|thumb|260px|left|<i>"Wade right there. Gotta grab my jumper cables from the trunk."</i>]]
You will need a waterproof engine for this to work, otherwise the engine will be flooded, and the car will not turn over. Moreover, the water will short-circuit all electrical systems in your car. After this happens, you no longer have a car, but a metal box with wheels, doors and windows (which no longer work since they were power windows). Either way, problem is solved, you either no longer have a car to drive out of the lake, or you have a waterproof engine which is running.
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Now that you are inside of the car and it is properly submerged, it is time to start the engine. Insert your key into the ignition and turn. If the car doesn't start after a moment, stop turning the key, give it several seconds and then try again. Be certain to alternate periods of turning and not turning the key so as not to flood the engine. If the car still will not start, the problem may be electrical. This is common in newer cars, the [[wikipedia:Planned obsolescence|systems of which are not made to withstand]] many driving situations that were once standard practices.<ref>Noble pursuits such as car polo, lake parking and [[wikipedia:Rebel Without A Cause|drag races with cliffish finish lines]] may be more damaging on the modern vehicle, but everyone parked their Ford [[Edsel]] at the bottom of a lake. Some still remain, firmly parked as mussel farms, providing iron and other minerals in support of the ecosystem.</ref> If the problem is electrical, have a friend park their car near the lake's edge and hope that they have a set of extra long jumper cables. When you discover that you keep ill-prepared friends, replace your car's battery.<ref>Also, consider replacing your friends.</ref>
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<small><references/></small>
   
==Step Three: Start driving==
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==Step Three: Drive out of the lake==
You will have to be careful not to get your car stuck in the mud, weeds, and holes at the bottom of the lake. It helps if the lake has a sandy or rocky bottom, and/or if you have 4-wheel drive. Hopefully you have a full tank of gas so that you don't run out of gas before you reach the lake's edge. A detailed map of the lake may help you reach your destination, the lake's edge. It helps if this map lists all the underwater features of the lake.
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You will have to be careful not to get your car stuck in the mud, weeds, and holes at the bottom of the lake. It helps if the lake has a sandy or rocky bottom, and/or if you have 4-wheel drive. Do not drive too fast or accelerate too quickly as the driving surface may be slick. Hopefully you have a full tank of gas so that you don't run out before you reach the land. A detailed map of the lake may help you reach your destination, which is anywhere not in the lake. It helps if this map lists all the underwater features of the lake, such as tree roots, large boulders, sunken logs, dirt or gravel roads, groves of dead trees, sinking mud features, crab farms, stacks of old tires, sunken ships, patches of sand, and possibly even plane wrecks. Should it be an urban lake, these features may include [[UnNews:Hurricane Katrina: seems as though it just happened yesterday|fire hydrants, streetlights, other cars parked underwater, clogged storm drains, fallen trees, underwater power lines, and underwater roads.]]
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==Step Four: Draining the lake from your vehicle==
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Once you are back on dry land, simply open the door. Most of the lake will come sloshing out. Whatever remains should be cherished as a precious keepsake of that time you drove your car out of a lake.<ref>Until it, like all good things, evaporates. The smell always lingers, though.</ref>
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<small><references/></small>
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[[Category:Vehicles]]

Latest revision as of 13:11, January 29, 2013

ScubaCar01
"Shut up, Shirley! I don't trust the valets!"
Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

Parking your car in a lake is easy. Maybe you’ve left your car in neutral on a steep embankment next to a lake and gravity did the parking for you. You may have mistaken the lake for a rippling parking lot filled with cresting wave-like shopping carts. Or you parked your car in a ditch at the start of monsoon season and the lake sprang up around it. Regardless, the easy part is over. Now you face the more difficult challenge – getting the car back out of the lake. You could hire a tow truck to drive in after it, but that is a costly business. Similarly, a crane could be employed to retrieve your vehicle, provided it has ample bill length and unnatural avian strength. Or you could just drive your car out of the lake. Really, it’s the only rational choice.

edit Step One: Locate your vehicle

To find your car, swim directly into the lake. If the car is floating it will be easy to spot, although some turtles may be mistaken for a floating car. If you find a turtle -- keep searching, as this is not your car but a reptilian imposter. If the car is sunken, the process for locating it is trickier. Sunken cars require scuba gear, a metal detector and, if the lake is dark, a strong flashlight. Now plumb the lake’s depths to locate your missing vehicle. If the metal detector or flashlight stop working, check the batteries.

Once you’ve found your car, you must get inside.[1] If the car is floating, the act of getting inside may cause it to sink. This is a good thing, as you need the car to be at the bottom of the lake in order to drive it. A car will not move unless the rubber meets the road. In this case, the lakebed will act as road. To enter a sunken vehicle, simply open the door. If the door will not open, it may be locked. Use your keys to unlock the door. If you’ve parked your car in the lake with the keys still in the ignition, resurface and acquire a metal coat hanger. Bend the hanger, slip it down through the top of the window and use it to jimmy the lock open. If the door still will not open, the water pressure may be too great at this depth. We probably should have mentioned that earlier. No matter, just break the window.

  1. If your car is a convertible you may skip this step, as the inside of your car is always outside. Unless you keep the top up, but then what is the point of owning a convertible? Freak!

edit Step Two: Start your engine

Divercar
"Wade right there. Gotta grab my jumper cables from the trunk."

Now that you are inside of the car and it is properly submerged, it is time to start the engine. Insert your key into the ignition and turn. If the car doesn't start after a moment, stop turning the key, give it several seconds and then try again. Be certain to alternate periods of turning and not turning the key so as not to flood the engine. If the car still will not start, the problem may be electrical. This is common in newer cars, the systems of which are not made to withstand many driving situations that were once standard practices.[1] If the problem is electrical, have a friend park their car near the lake's edge and hope that they have a set of extra long jumper cables. When you discover that you keep ill-prepared friends, replace your car's battery.[2]

  1. Noble pursuits such as car polo, lake parking and drag races with cliffish finish lines may be more damaging on the modern vehicle, but everyone parked their Ford Edsel at the bottom of a lake. Some still remain, firmly parked as mussel farms, providing iron and other minerals in support of the ecosystem.
  2. Also, consider replacing your friends.

edit Step Three: Drive out of the lake

You will have to be careful not to get your car stuck in the mud, weeds, and holes at the bottom of the lake. It helps if the lake has a sandy or rocky bottom, and/or if you have 4-wheel drive. Do not drive too fast or accelerate too quickly as the driving surface may be slick. Hopefully you have a full tank of gas so that you don't run out before you reach the land. A detailed map of the lake may help you reach your destination, which is anywhere not in the lake. It helps if this map lists all the underwater features of the lake, such as tree roots, large boulders, sunken logs, dirt or gravel roads, groves of dead trees, sinking mud features, crab farms, stacks of old tires, sunken ships, patches of sand, and possibly even plane wrecks. Should it be an urban lake, these features may include fire hydrants, streetlights, other cars parked underwater, clogged storm drains, fallen trees, underwater power lines, and underwater roads.

edit Step Four: Draining the lake from your vehicle

Once you are back on dry land, simply open the door. Most of the lake will come sloshing out. Whatever remains should be cherished as a precious keepsake of that time you drove your car out of a lake.[1]

  1. Until it, like all good things, evaporates. The smell always lingers, though.
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