| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Okay, so you're at a Bar, enjoying couple of good beers (and a couple more, and a couple more, and a couple more...) with your best buds, the bartender and that homeless dude, getting just a little tipsy. Don't stop drinking though, man, you deserve this! Your girlfriend left you, work is stressful, etc. Any excuse for you to get completely wasted, right? There's only one problem: How do you get home? Suddenly that homeless dude isn't looking so homeless, and he's not your designated driver, is he? No. Whatever. That means it's time to drive home. But you can't just drive home normally, you're drunk, so that means you have to drive home like you're drunk. Now let me help you out here. That's right I can help you ruin your life. Just don't throw up on me.
edit Getting to your car
This is probably the most difficult part, but stick with me here, okay? Now, remember which one is your car. It's the yellow octopusmobile, of course! Alright, now carefully make your way to your car. No, not that car. No, not that one either. Jesus Christ, it's the one behind you! You got it? No, you don't. Here, just let me help you....
Nice, man. That was a new fucking shirt, too.
edit Starting the car
Nice interior, man. Okay, now that we got you in here, just take out your keys. They're in your bag? Okay, get the bag out.
Dude, it's a purse. What are you doing with a purse? Oh, It's a manbag. It's okay, man. I understand the difference. I'll just ignore the fact that it's leopard print. We'll just focus on the keys for now. Come on, man, you just used them to unlock your car! Are they still out there? You left your keys hanging on the car door? Wow, dude. *cough* dumbass.. Alright, I'll get them.
Got them. Seriously, dude, who unlocks their car door by hand anymore? Can't you just use the Unlock button? How drunk are you? Never mind. Alright, now start the car. Just put the key in the keyhole. You can do this. It's not hard. No, that's not the keyhole. Wrong side. Nope. Warmer. Warmer. Warrrmmmerrr. Nearly hot. Kind of hot. Almost there, and........ got it! Yes! Now turn it. Other direction. Congratulations, you just started your car while completely hammered.
edit Getting out of the parking lot
Use the gear shift to go into Reverse. No, reverse before you drive. No! Oh, SHIT!
We're okay? Alright, we just won't tell that guy about his car. It was a Smart Car anyway. No one cares about those. Reverse this time. That's right. Reverse! You're lucky you have me here to help you.
edit The Highway
Now the fun part. You're drunk, you're driving, now it's time to live up to expectations. Time to drive like you're drunk. I'll guide you through it. Turn your headlights off. Now no one will see you coming. You'll just pop out of nowhere, and BAM!!!! Now, swerve like you're drunk. Hey, you're getting the hang of this! oh, wait, dude, wake up! Wake up. You have to be awake, so you can conveniently survive the horrible crash. There's a technique to this, so that you can survive unscathed. All the drunk drivers do it. You know it.
See, people are flipping you off already! You're good! Faster! Faster! I know, I'm a speed freak. Woo-hoo!
Oh, shit. it's the cops! Quick! Drive faster!!! No, don't pull over! You're drunk, remember? You have to ruin your life in these few moments of freedom. Now, swerve in the opposite lane!
Yes! We did it! Congratulations, man! You are now an official drunk driver. You can now join the ranks of the Drunk Driving Clan! Yes, there's a clan. You didn't know there was a clan? You're drunk, you'll probably forget all about it, anyway. That's why no one knows about it. Hell, I don't even know about it. How am I telling you about it, you ask? You're drunk, you couldn't comprehend it.
Enjoy your time in jail! I'll probably be joining you. Man, that was fun!
HAHA! Dude! Look what you did to that guy's face!!!!!! HAHAHA!!!! Oh.... shit.
|Featured HowTo: Article|