HowTo:Do Your Taxes
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“In the 1940s, an infinite number of monkeys were seated before an infinite number of typewriters, and they came up with the tax code.”
“In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to a military prison for improperly filing their taxes. They promptly escaped into the Los Angeles underground.”I had sex with a monkey once.
Some of you might think that taxes are "evil" or "wrong", and in a non-communist state, you'd be correct. However, this is the United State of America, and taxes are a "necessary evil" (as some boring, completely devoid-of-humor-type-people might say).
This guide will explain to you how to do your taxes - the easy way!
Steps to Filing
First, we will discuss the very important first-steps to this easy process. After that, we will discuss the filling out of the personal information. We will then discuss the filling-out of the very boring, numerical information. After that, we'll have a glass of merlot. When finished with the entire bottle of merlot, we'll continue filling out numbers and then sign our name. After that, we'll explain how to mail the form to your government.
Important First Steps
- Get the proper form. Often, these will come in the mail. If one does not arrive in the mail, seek one out at your local library. If you're not sure which one to use, just take one of each - the government loves to waste paper (and, incidentally, tax dollars) and has printed many more forms than its citizens will ever need.
- Get your W-2. Your employer will give you one of these. If you work "under the table", you won't get one of these, and you shouldn't be reading this article.
- Grab at least twenty random forms from your local governmental branch and fill them out. Turn them in with your other forms to look organized.
- Leave both of these in a pile of useless papers until April 15th.
- Panic on April 15th.
Not-So-Important Second Steps
- Make sure you use blue or black ink, as the creatures at the IRS are incapable of seeing the color red.
- Print your name neatly in the space that says "Your first name and initial". The "initial" they are talking about is your middle one. If you don't have a middle initial or name, use form 1040-EJ to explain (in 400 words or less) why you do not have a middle initial. Make sure you attach it if you must use it.
- Print your last name in the box labeled "Last name".
- Write your Social Security Number in the "Social Security Number" area. Don't let anybody else see this number, or you could end up a victim of identity fraud.
- Write your mother's father's mother's maiden name in the box labeled "nonsense".
- Mark the box that says "single" whether you're single or married - the government doesn't need to pry into your personal life. Consequently, if you are homosexual - do not mark this box - in protest of the lack of gay rights in this country.
- Write a 500 word essay on pros and cons of The United States Constitution in the box marked "CON".
- Write your neighbor's address in the box that says "home address". Under absolutely no circumstances, write your home address in the box, as you do not want the government to know where you live.
The Numbers Game
- Write your "wages" in the box at the end of line 7. You can get this information from your W2 (that form that your [douche bag / really nice] boss gives you).
- Enter your taxable income in box 8a.
- Enter your tax-exempt income in box 8b. This number will probably be "0", as the government does not approve of tax-exempt income.
- Enter alimony received in the box at the end of line 11. Also, do not forget to write a "thank-you note" to your ex-husband and spend the remainder of the year bragging to everybody about being the heartless bitch that you are.
- Enter any money gained (or lost) by sheep-farming farming in the Falklands in the box on line 18.
- Write-down any money gained through "unemployment benefits" in the box on line 19.
- Enter "other income" in the box on line 21. "Other income" includes money and gifts received for sexual favors, income from the sale of narcotics, illegal weapons, prostitution, slavery, child pornography, the sale of chickens and chicken eggs, the sale of cows' milk, and any money received for performing back-alley abortions.
- Add the amounts of lines 7 through 21. If this number exceeds 10, you're fucked.
In this section, we will discuss drinking a glass of Merlot, an important step in the Tax-Filing-Process.
- Open a decent bottle of Merlot.
- Pour it into a decent wine glass.
- Gently insert nose into glass and inhale. No, not like that! You're trying to sample the smell of the wine, not actually inhale the wine.
- Swish it around to "look cool".
- Sip it some more.
- Repeat process until the bottle is empty.
- Drive to local liquor store and buy another bottle, and start over again.
Drinking and Filing (also known as Filing Under the Influence)
- Write the amount from line 37 in the box on line 38.
- Check the box in 39a labeled "You were born before January 1st, ____", if you were, in fact, born before January 1st of the year on the form.
- Check the box in 39a labeled "Lame" if you have a bum leg or listen to punk rock music.
- Check the box in 39a labeled "Blind" if you are blind.
- Check the box in 39a labeled "Moron" if you find Carlos Mencia to be funny.
- Check the box "Your spouse was born before January 2nd, ____", if your spouse was born before January 2nd of the year on the form.
- Check the box in 39a labeled "Bored" if you are bored and tired of filling out your tax form.
- Subtract line 40 from line 38, then write that number in the box on line 41.
- If line 38 is over $112,875, or you provide housing to a person displaced by Hurricane Katrina (The New Orleans Saints do not count), see page 36. Otherwise, multiply $3,300 by the total number of exemptions claimed on line 6d. Then add pi squared to the mean number of times you eat at fast food restaurants (per week), divide that number by the number of full-time prostitutes you know, and add 10. Do nothing with this number.
- In line 49, enter the amount of earnings from Pimpin'.
- In line 50a, enter the amount of earned from sale of weapons to rogue, terrorist nations.
- In line 50b, enter the amount earned from the sale of weapons to Israel.
- Add the number of Federal income tax withheld from Forms W-2 and 1099, then write it in box "64". Make sure you write it very messily, and in Roman numerals, as to confuse the IRS.
- If line 72 is more than line 63, you can subtract line 63 from line 72. This is the amount of taxes you overpaid. Write this in box 73. 
- Line 74a contains a box where you print the amount from line 73 that you wish to have refunded. Nobody is sure why this box is needed.
- Line 74b has a box for the routing number for your bank account. Refer back to earlier statements about "identity fraud" when considering using this.
- In line 76, subtract line 72 from line 63, and this will be the amount that you owe the vampires.
1. Put the forms in an envelope.
2. Take them back out.
3. Read the mailing address from the forms.
4. Write the address on the envelope.
5. Put the forms back in the envelope.
6. Put a postage stamp on the envelope.
7. Place the envelope in a postage box.
8. Remember that you forgot to do steps 2-4.
Proposed Obama Administration Tax Changes
President Barak Obama has proposed the following changes to simplify the complex United States tax forms. The proposed 1040BAMA forms will have only five lines and will greatly reduce the time it takes to prepare taxes. The proposed form follows:
1. Did you work?
(no) Go to line 2.
(yes) Go to line 4.
2. How much would you like to receive for your tax refund? ____________
3. Send in your request. (finished)
4. How much did you make this year? ____________
5. Send it in. (finished)
What You Have Learned
Absolutely nothing? Good.
A lot? You haven't been paying attention!
“Keep it secret, keep it safe.”
- ↑ Choose only one.
- ↑ Working for McDonalds.
- ↑ Decent Merlot is not made in America.
- ↑ Chicago Bears FTW
- ↑ 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628... and a lot more numbers.
- ↑ While the IRS understands that it's not easy, they still tax you on it.
- ↑ Refer back to line 50a.
- ↑ The answer is 9.