HowTo:Do Voodoo

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“People fashion their God after their own understanding. They make their God first and worship him afterwards.”
~ Oscar Wilde on VooDoo

VooDoo is a wonderfully spooky and fun and, just slightly, scary thing to know how to do to lord it over your friends that you can do something they can't do. Does this sound like something you want to learn how to do?

What voodoo can teach even you to do

Casting spells, spilling blood, and sacrificing animals is an easy way to make new friends or at least scare away the bullies (although maybe not the vampires and carnivores and cannibals). But it often winds up being a bit messy, and calling attention to your behavior in a slightly negative way. Well, now you too, can learn, to do voodoo.

So, what is VooDoo? And how do you do VooDoo? VooDoo is a West African religion that originated in the western part of Africa. Can you find Africa on a map? Many Westerners can't, but with a little practice you'll be able to find Africa every time. First of all, for Europeans, Africa is one of the continents colonized, the one where Livingstone got lost and Tarzan was found. For North Americans, Africa is the one on the right--and if you can read this, I know you have your map right-side up with north on top!

Tip

Africa is below us, the one with the left bulge, if you're an Aussie you'll make too many mistakes thinking this HowTo is about barbecuing to safely continue.

So, basically, VooDoo is the practice of ancestor worship. This used to be called "Respect for adults." However, this has fallen out of practice, and people no longer know how to do ancestor worship or even how to mooch off of them anymore. In addition to ancestor worship, VooDoo consists of turning corpses into zombies, and making VooDoo dolls to kill enemies to turn into corpses to have something nearby conveniently dead to turn into a zombie. So, are you ready to learn how to do VooDoo?

So, are you as excited as I am? Ready to get started worshiping those ancestors and falling those enemies? Ready to learn how to do VooDoo? Well, I'm ready!

Lesson 1: Locating ancestors to worship and preparing the altar

Tip

This would be a good time to do doodoo, as things are going to get pretty busy now. Take that break if you need it (and you should know if yoodoo).

Step 1: Locate your ancestors

First of all, they really do have to be your ancestors. This may seem to take all the fun out of it, particularly if, like Shirley McLame, you have created much more interesting fake ancestors than your real ones. However, all is not lost, you simply may have to look deeper! Killing one's relatives to create ancestors to worship generally doesn't work either, they simply come back to haunt you. Dead people do more powerful VooDoo than live noobies do.

Okay, are you ready for Step 2? You have a suitable ancestor to worship? Good, let's go now. Let's learn step 2 of ancestor worship in VooDoo.

Step 2: Location, location, location, placing your altar.

Find a clean place in your home to create an altar for worshipping this ancestor. Haven't cleaned your house since the dawn of the century? No worry, no hurry, you have plenty of time, as dead ancestors don't generally get impatient like live ones and your teachers and girlfriend does!

Step 3:Build your altar.

Not sure how to do this? Just get any woman's magazine from the grocery store and make a cake. Place the cake on a table, covered with a cloth. The cloth should be of suitable colors, black, orange, red and green are all good. Mudcloth is good, too. Don't know what mudcloth is? Well, that's book 2 of HowTo Do VooDoo, for advanced practitioners only. Don't start jumping the gun, or I'll have to do a little VooDoo on you, too!

Step 4: Finish your altar.

Place pictures of ancestors (see Step 1) on altar with candles. Voila! It's done! You now have a safe and loving environment in which to worship your ancestors! Not sure how that's done. Well, that's what we're here to teach you, how to do VooDoo in all its aspects, including ancestor worship.

Are you ready? I am. Let's get down to doing VooDoo.

Lesson 2 Getting your mind read to worship

Step 1: Motivate your mind

This is probably the most important step in the whole process. You knew I was going to say that, didn't you Well, you're pretty smart to have gotten this far, I know you're along for the whole ride. Focus your mind on what you want out of VooDoo. Do you want to use VooDoo to earn a raise? Do you want to use VooDoo to fell an enemy? Do you want to use VooDoo to fell that tree in your backyard? Do you want to use VooDoo to pick up dog poo poo? Do you want to use it to finally get some of those friends you always wanted? Generate enough motivation in your mind to sustain you throughout your practice of VooDoo.

Step 2: Worshipping

Get down on your hands and knees! Get down! And pray to your ancestors to find your worthy! Pray, I say! Pray! suck balls over a hot stove slap the thickist dick u can find on your forehead and say bloop.

Lesson 3: Acquiring chickens

This part is not near as difficult as it sounds, although for many First Worlders there will be some rude surprises. No steps here, just some rules:

  • Rule 1: It has to have feathers.
  • Rule 2: It has to be breathing (at least beforehand).
  • Rule 3: (see rules 1 & 2)
  • Rule 4: It has to cluck (again, beforehand).

Lesson 4: Making VooDoo dolls

This one's easy! You'll be happy to know that read-made VooDoo dolls can be purchased at Wal-Mart! Yes, Wal-Mart! How do you find a VooDoo doll at Wal-Mart? Simply go to the toy aisle. Any doll will do for doing VooDoo. Barbie will do for doing VooDoo. G. I. Joe will do for doing VooDoo. Baby dolls will do for doing VooDoo! Walking dolls will do for doing VooDoo! Talking dolls will do for doing VooDoo!

Lesson 5: Acquiring VooDoo pins for VooDoo dolls

Tip

Don't make your ancestors the target of your VooDoo dolls, as one can't worship a zombie, silly you! Worship ancestors, stab enemies!

This one used to be easy, simply hat pins would do the trick. Thumb tacks are not long enough to reach internal organs, though. Well, who's getting paid for writing this book, and who's paying for the privilege? I've found nails a bit bloody and barbarian, but they can do in a pinch. Really, the best substitute for hat pins are macramé needles. Head to the nearest craft store or the nearest hardware store. You're almost at your goal, you've got your altar, you've got your dolls, you've got your focus, you've got your pins, you've got your enemies, now all you have to do is start doing VooDoo!



Lesson 6: Focusing demonic thoughts on the enemy

Tip

To really focus try not to eat any buckets of lard right before kneeling in front of the altar, you're going to be drinking that chicken's blood pretty soon, so you don't want to get too fulll!

Step 1: Trigger the memory

Focus on how that mutha fucker done you wrong! Really focus, now, no pretending!


Step 2: Kneel in front of a toilet

Kneel down! Down I say! Before your ancestors! Beg them to hear your appeals! Unless they're deaf, then just flash them a sign or something.

Toilet 370x580

The Porcelain Altar--don't mistake your VooDoo altar and the Porcelain Altar!

Step 3: Drinking the chicken's blood

Drink the chicken's blood. And no, tomato juice won't work, and you know it! Now go ahead, you wanted to do VooDoo, it's time now to drink the chicken's blood.

Step 4: Using the VooDoo doll

Hold the VooDoo doll in your dominant hand while drinking chicken's blood with your submissive hand, raise the VooDoo doll overhead in a salute to your ancestors while continuing to kneel. Oops! Did you stand up already? Remember to read ALL the directions before you begin next time, 'cause this spell's on you now! Hope it wasn't a bad one.

Step 5: Using the VooDoo doll's pins

Take the pins in the hand holding the chicken blood and start madly piercing the VooDoo doll while thinking clearly of Mr. Madonna's last gangster film and how original it was, focusing all that anguish on the VooDoo doll's head, as you insert pins into the doll. If you pierce yourself simply drink your own blood. Disgusting you say? Not really, lot's of people do it when doing VooDoo, both the booboo and the blood drinking.

Final Lesson

The most successful practitioners of VooDoo won't just do VooDoo, but will also have others evaluate the success of their VooDoo. Where are the zombies you ask? Well, they're in book 2, and you knew better than to interrupt me to ask that!

Zombie idol

A coming attraction.BRAIIINNNSSS...

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