HowTo:Disappear into Thin air
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Robbed your local bank? Killed your wife, then went to go look for the "Real Killer", only to have your evil plans discovered? Have an assassin on your tail? Well then, this is the guide for you! This article will teach you how to (legally, not physically) Disappear into Thin air. The steps of this guide are listed in chronological order, and it should be warned that if you just go crazy and "have it your way" the results could be disastrous. So please, respect my opinions as a professional. Well then, let's get started, shall we?
edit The Name Change
"A new name, just what I've always wanted! I've always despised my own name, which is Genetta!" Don't get too excited, eager beaver! You can't just make up any old name. First, you need to buy a Social Security number on the internet. Just type in "Buy Social Security numbers" and you are in business! However, be careful, as our friends, the internet police, are not too keen on this type of activity. If you get caught, I never knew ya!
Anyway, once you get the number, it will already have your new name on it. Now it's party time! Get some kind of ID card, like a Driver's License, via the internet, or you can just approach the gangsters that live in the alley ways of downtown [enter your city here]. They can hook you up. If you are white, it is advised, for safety reasons, to get the card online!
Don't tell anybody about your name change! No human being can be trusted! Not your neighbor, not the mail man, not even your own damned mother! Continue to live life normally, acting as if nothing happened.
edit The Move
This is the next step of your little scheme. Go to a seven-eleven ATM, and remove all cash from your debit cards. It is advisable to do this on a cold day, so you will look somewhat natural wearing a ski mask. Now, remove the maximum amount possible from credit cards, which is usually 300$. Conceal the cash in your pocket, as to not look so suspicious.
This is the part that most people trip up on, for reasons I will discuss later. Basically, in the middle of the night, walk (do not ride you car, as the security camera might catch the License plate number) to the nearest airport. If possible, you have my permission to take a cab there. Go up to the front desk lady, and buy a ticket to a big city, such as LA or NYC. That should take at least half of the money you got from the ATM earlier, but it's money well spent. Nothing that requires you to leave the country though, as you will have to go through an extra layer of security to do that.On the plane, talk to nobody. It is best to think of every human being as a camera which is constantly recording what you say and do. Look as natural as possible. Once you arrive at your new destination, you will need to find some accommodation ASAP. Needless to say, you will probably have to "camp-out" on a park bench for a couple of nights, but pretty soon, you will find a great place.
edit The Make Over
Believe it or not, you are never alone. The government is always watching you, monitoring your every move. Cut your hair, or grow it out longer. Tan your skin, get a good pair of sun glasses, and try to look semi-normal. Basically, change everything about yourself. Gain some weight if you need to, or if you are the average american, drop a couple of pounds. Everything you purchase for your make over should be paid for with cash!
edit The Cash
Pretty soon, the seemingly endless supply cash you got from the ATM machine that day will start to deplete. You will also get tired of your house mates wearing your clothes and eating your food. I know, it sucks, welcome to corporate America people. Well complaining about it is not going to get you anywhere, so instead, you are going to have to find ways of getting cash. There are two basic paths for this.
1. The "Legit" way: I have no idea how this is really "legit" seeing how you will be working under someone else's social security card, but whatever. This basically requires you to get off your lazy ass and go get a job. Sadly, you can't bribe potential employers with an array of degrees and diplomas, because they know you never earned them. This, unfortunatley, closes the gates to quite a few professions. However, there are still a lot of great jobs for the "less qualified" worker such as yourself, a few of them being lawn mower, janitor, farm-hand, "that creepy snow cone stand guy", and etc.
"Is it really possible to get a job without true, legal, identification?", you may be asking. Of course it is! ,"Undocumented Workers", who are happily engaged in safe, fulfilling careers. Just send in resumes and the like as usual, somebody will accept you.
2. The "less-than-legal" way: This basically includes muggin' old people, blastin' fools, pimpin' hoes, smokin' pot, and etcetera. This is not advised, as police officers will likely get involved at some point, which will of course, ruin your new life.
edit The Rest of your story
You got a good job, a new name, a new city to live in, and great roomates. What the hell do you want now? Oh, you want to know what to do for the rest of your life. Well that's easy. Given the reality of your new lifestyle, there a few restrictions on your freedom from now on. You will find out what to do as time goes on. Good luck!