HowTo:Destroy the World
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I know. Another bad day. It seems these days every day is a bad day. Let me guess. Your article got huffed. That article that you spent hours, and believing that it was good enough to be a featured article - I know, we all have those days. Well, some of us.
Sometimes when you're having a bad day it's best to shut out the world completely. Clear out your thoughts, calm down, and just forget the world. And is there any better way to do that then DESTROY the world? I know, 2012 is coming (not anymore, its already happened), but - hey! - why not finish it early? Besides, it will be a bit of fun! Problem is, the world isn't that soft - or stupid. That's why you have to have a procedure before you embark on your destructive, acopalyptic, phsyco-insane madman mission of doom. Because, you've always have to consider safety first - even when you are blowing up the entire earth and everyone in it - which isn't very safe anyway. So, in aid of all those terrorists, aliens, half dead zombie mutants and Uncyclopedian failures like you, 'HowTo:' has been kind enough to provide the world the first guide to completing this task.
Ok, first we have to prepare. Know some yoga, or meditation techniques? Use them. Calm yourself down. Inhale scented incense. Deep breaths, now. Ok. Ready? Are you calm? Really? Good. Now we begin.
We're most likely to blow it up, but there are many more possible ways to destroy our planet. Below we have described in detail some of the most popular ones. Once you have chosen your particular method, proceed to step 2.
- DON’T tell any governments, organizations or ANYONE AT ALL about your plan
- DO use your weapons of mass destruction safely and always read the instruction manual. NO ONE is above reading the instruction manual.
- DO carefully plan your alliances. After they have completed their end of the deal make sure you kill them.
- DO make sure you have a suitable planet or mothership to live in after you’ve destroyed your home.
- DON’T put your elbows on the table when eating dinner
- Remember to chew each mouthful 20 full times during dinner
edit Strategies That Usually Work (in detail)
edit Blowing it Up
Although this seems obvious, dull and unoriginal, there's more to blowing up and entire planet then you think. First you must collect the suitable explosives or super-weapons, and then deviously detonate them on the surface. This will make the earth explode, sending pieces spinning wildly in all directions. Everyone will die, whether from being disintegrated from the explosion, or, if they are not killed, their section of earth will either spin towards the sun, where they we will melt slowly, or plummet into the outer rim of our Solar System, killing them from the cold.
As you see this is a very effective way to destroy the world, and is a recommended strategy.
African Witch Doctors are a great help in a world destruction. Simply make a cotton model of earth and let the Witch doctor blow it up with dynamite. If they insist to stabbing it with pins instead, do not argue. Witch Doctors are creepy. However, if you would like one, feel free to kidnap one from Africa or purchase one in a Woolworths near you.
Creating the next Day After Tomorrow is a fun and easy way to destroy the earth. Simply find your nearest magician and make them unleash a fury of storms, tornadoes, cyclones, maelstroms, tsunamis and other natural disasters. Be creative! Mix different disasters at different places to create a unique blend of destruction and death! This method is not only effective and impossible to be stopped by mere human powers, but it's fun too!
edit Ask God for a Favour
I mean, seriously! God IS just sitting up all the time in the clouds, why should He care abut the earth? Just ask Him to destroy it for you. If He doesn't, He will probably destroy you instead for interrupting His peace, so this method can be risky, but if you succeed you will have very satisfactory results! You can also bet God that he can't blow up the world.
edit Befriend an Alien Army
Aliens are accustomed to attempting to destroy the world, and if you find a fleet of these guys, then you'll have a bigger advantage of completing your mission. There are many options here and YOU can decide how your new-found friends can help you - the other side of the universe is the limit!
edit Consult jib
Battle jib and use his huge thing-a-ma-fucker and blow away the earth.
edit Unleash a Plague
This is a particularly nasty but relatively effective way to destroy the world and everything in it. Simply hire a scientist to create some super bacteria/disease and then unleash it into the water systems of all the cities in the world, just like in 'Batman Begins'. The people with suffer horrible deaths, and so will every animal on earth. Hence, total destruction.
edit Send all the rubbish on earth to space
If you are tired of recycling, this is the best one. Create billions of 510-ton rockets filled with shit and launch them into space, on low earth orbit. Wait for several decades and its orbit will decay, therefore creating a storm of raining garbage. Once the earth is completely covered with beer cans and worn out condoms I doubt any human being would be able to live in this planet.
edit Invent cars that are powered by rocks
Yeah, that's right. Rock-powered cars. Once the earth is depleted of rocks there will be no more land, no more ground, no more annoying brony haters, no more annoying kids taking a dump on your lawn, no more anything! Since rocks are the most important foundations of the earth's lifeforms, separating life from rocks would lead to the destruction of the world.
edit STEP 2
So, you've picked your strategy? Now it's time to apply it to your situation. Destroying the earth can be an enjoyable experience, you just have to know how to do it properly.
There are many things that may stop you from completing your task. Budget, governments and superheroes in spandex are the three biggest problems the earth-destroying newbie will encounter, and even experienced evil-doers will have to fight hard to destroy these problems.
- Budget: Compared to destroying the world, robbing a bank is a simple activity and can easily be achieved. Mowing the lawn for your parents could help too. If you're really desperate, and have a thin or athletic build but have an irrational phobia of guns and mowers, try prostitution. If you have a heavy build, try sumo wrestling or stand-up comedy.
- Governments: If you have solved the budget problem, taking care of governments should be no problem. Bribe them to leave you alone, or hire spies and infiltration agents to keep everything quiet.
- Superheroes: The hardest problem. Seemingly the easiest way to solve them is to hire a super villain. However, no villain has ever beaten a superhero, so you may have to resort to fighting these pesky guys (or hot chicks) yourself.
So there you are. You're ready to go, and to fulfill your dreams. Try hard - and you may succeed. But if not, try and try again, always with a plan to get out of your next jail!
Good luck to you!