| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Just imagine: You're taking a stroll through the woods with your friend or significant other, generally having a good time. The weather is fair and the birds are singing in the trees. But suddenly, you and your friend or significant other get separated. “No big deal” you think. Boy, are you wrong. All of a sudden, you hear your friend or significant other scream in the distance and run to see what the trouble is. There, standing in front of you, eating and having sex with the remains of your friend or significant other, is a hedgehog. You turn and start to run, but it’s no use, the hedgehog is gaining! What do you do next? It might surprise you to learn this, but only one in one hundred people know how to properly defend themselves from a hedgehog encounter. This article is going to teach you how to defend yourself properly from a hedgehog.
How to tell a Hedgehog from a Really Pissed off Hedgehog
The first step in learning to defend yourself from a hedgehog is to learn how to spot a hedgehog from a really pissed off hedgehog. Now, don’t get mixed up, hedgehogs are still very dangerous, even when they are not really pissed off. We are not even going to bother with telling you how to defend yourself from a really pissed off hedgehog because no one has survived a really pissed off hedgehog encounter to tell us about it. There are some obvious physical differences between the Hedgehog (Ursus Hedgehogious) and the Really Pissed off Hedgehog (Ursus arctos ohmygodwatchoutforthatreallypissedoffhedgehogious). Color, however, is not a reliable identifying characteristic for either species. Not all hedgehogs are black in color; they come in a various shades of brown and may even be blonde. Really pissed off hedgehogs range from yellowish-brown to black, sometimes seen wearing short shorts on hot summer days with steam coming out of their ears in a “Bugs Bunny” fashion. When looking from the side, a hedgehog has a straight facial profile (as opposed to a uneven facial profile). The same profile of a really pissed off hedgehog will have a dished out appearance. Also, a hedgehog will have a straighter shoulder-rump line, while the really pissed off hedgehog will have a characteristically large hump on it's back above the anus. The hedgehog has claws which are shorter and more curved than those of the really pissed off hedgehog, which are equal to that of the Wolverine on the X-Men.
Precautions in Campgrounds and Picnic Areas
Now that you know how to spot a hedgehog, it’s time to learn what you can do to prevent a hedgehog encounter because, let’s face it, the French were onto something in all those world wars.
- Do not cook or store food in or near your tent, unless your tent is equipped with the latest in anti-hedgehog technology.
- Keep a clean campsite by properly disposing of garbage, washing your dishes, and wiping down table tops.
- Hang food and anything with strong odors (toothpaste, bug repellent, carnies, etc.) out of the reach of hedgehogs, if possible (at least two feet above the ground and one foot from the tree trunk). If no trees are available, store your food in airtight or specially designed hedgehog-proof containers.
- Avoid taking odorous foods (they attract hedgehogs) and keep food smells off your clothing, lest you be horribly raped by multiple hedgehogs simultaneously.
On the Trail or in the Back country
- Avoid surprising hedgehogs at close range. If you are hiking through hedgehog country, make your presence known, particularly where the terrain or vegetation makes it hard to see. Make noise, sing, talk loudly, masturbate, or wear a bell.
- If possible, travel with a group. Groups are noisier and easier for hedgehogs to detect. When traveling with a group, remember that hedgehogs will attack the weakest link, it is always smart to travel with slow or obese people.
- There are several indicators that may alert a back country traveler that a hedgehog is in the area. Some of the most easily identifiable clues include rub trees, diggings, scat (anus leakage), trail of devastation (i.e. forest fires, explosions, outbreaks of nuclear war etc) and tracks. Identifying these clues may help to prevent an encounter.
- One myth is that hedgehogs are attracted to the scent of a menstruating woman. Hedgehog experts say that is fact, not myth.
- Leave your dog at home. Pets and hedgehogs don't mix. Unless of course your looking for a good dog-hedgehog razor blade fight. But you didn’t hear that from me.
Ways to identify a Hedgehog from a distance
- Hedgehogs are very stealthy creatures, they tend to move in packs and identifying them from a distance is crucial for survival.
- The first and most vital point to pay attention on, is the deadly silence a pack of Hedgehogs brings with them. The silence can last for hours, only to be ended by a horrifying Xena like war cry.
- The pack will make no noises while moving, as they tend to float and move like gay vampires.
- There are no means to notice a Hedgehog, because when you finally do, it's too late.
The Attack of the pack
The attack will be swift and deadly, as the hedgehogs can roll up to 80 mph without making a noise. They have countless ways to murder living things, as they tend to practice with Elephants or Bears (they used to practice with the dinosaurs, but those went extinct by this). Mutilation by spinning is one of their favorite ways of murder, this will assist on the blood orgy which is certain to follow the hunt. They also enjoy dragging the victims in to their caves, where they then proceed to slowly consume the pray after a slow, painful rape session.
If you Encounter a Hedgehog
- Remain calm and avoid sudden movements.
- Give the hedgehog plenty of room, allowing it to continue its activities undisturbed. Every hedgehog has a zone of danger or personal space -- that is, the distance within which a hedgehog feels threatened. If it changes its natural behavior (feeding, foraging or kitten huffing) because of your presence, you are too close. If you stray within that comfort zone, a hedgehog may react aggressively in the form of a bluff charge, bodily contact, or even an outright attack.
- If you spot a hedgehog and the hedgehog is unaware of you, detour quickly and quietly away and inform the nearest hillbilly or law enforcer.
- If possible, quickly throw a ring to distract it. If you've ever played those games you'd know that hedgehogs love rings. They love them.
- If spotted by a hedgehog, try to get its attention while it is a good distance away. Help the hedgehog to recognize that you are human, by talking to it in a normal voice, waving your arms, or killing it mercilessly then breaking the bones in half and drinking the marrow then going to kill the rest of its kin. If a hedgehog cannot tell what you are, it may come closer or stand on its hind legs to get a better look or smell. A standing hedgehog is usually curious, or practicing his ballet routine to distract you while its brethren sneak up behind you.
- Some hedgehogs will bluff their way out of a threatening situation by charging, then veering off or stopping abruptly at the last second (they have a terrible poker face). Hedgehog experts generally recommend standing still until the hedgehog stops and then slowly backing away.
- Never run from a hedgehog. Running may elicit a chase from an otherwise non-aggressive hedgehog, and since they can burrow faster than .05 mph, you have no chance of outrunning them.
- Never feed or toss food to a hedgehog, but we can’t blame you for being curious because “Isn’t he cute”.
New aged Hedgehog proof items and defensive measures
If all else fails and you find yourself face-to-face with a hedgehog, there are several items you can use to prolong your life span or even ease the pain when you slowly die. But before you can ease the pain there are several things you need to know about the hedgehogs offensive tactics.
In an attack the hedgehogs main goal is to use its Gimlet to disembowel you as slowly as possible, whilst doing so special Sarcomatoid glands behind its Diathasissys secrets a venom that keeps you alive during the whole process so your body creates an ideal environment for its Cub-Eggs to hatch... And yes, they lay eggs. Just because a text book will tell you otherwise doesn’t mean their telling the truth and besides, WE’RE the experts, so shut up. Anyway, learning to recognize when you are about to be to vigorously molested and what tools you can use can shorten the amount of time you are in horrible pain. Such as:
- Plastic Spork: Probably the most effective tool in Hedgehog defense, to use simply apply to your face until death occurs thus sparing your from a horrible two weeks of pain and molestation.
- Obese Person: As mentioned above, should you choose to want to live with the trauma of witnessing a hedgehog attack you can always throw the fat ass who was complaining the whole trip to the blood thirsty beast. Due to their excess fat content they will take much longer to be burrowed into, sparing you valuable time to gouge your face out with a spork.
- Hedgehog Buster 3000 (HB3000): Superior to the HB1000 (a spork) and HB2000 (a metal spork) the HB3000 is the newest tool in personal hedgehog defense. Featuring a kitten chainsaw it now gives the average Joe a fighting chance against a hedgehog, and NO, we did not make this up. Weren’t you paying attention? I said we were experts, and why would I lie to you?
So now you are all card-carrying hedgehog defense professionals, just without the cards and not really that professional. With the information provided in this article you should be able to live in fear of hedgehogs for the rest of your life. Not very uplifting is it? So I’ll finish off with some fun facts.
- There are no fun facts. I lied.