HowTo:Defeat Evil

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Ever wanted to become the ultimate hero? Do you want to be as powerful as Jesus, Mohammed, Chuck Norris, Superman and WalMart put together? Do you want to wipe evil from the face of the Earth and be the saviour of mankind? Here are a few simple steps that you must take:

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Cute satan

If you want to fight this guy you'd better be prepared!

edit Step 1: Choose a really cool name

There are multiple methods of doing this.

  1. Combine "Super", "Mega", "Ultra", "Wonder" or some other superlative to a description of what you are. (eg Superman, Wonder Woman).
  2. Use your actual name and add "Christ".
  3. Combine two random yet cool-sounding words e.g. Green Lantern.

(Note: the ultimate name is Green Ultra Super Mega Wonder Man Lantern Christ. However that name has been copyrighted by Microsoft for no apparent reason.)

edit Step 2: Find a really big sword/Learn magic/Get Pokemon

Tip

Always hold your sword by the handle. The blade is sharp and will cut you.

Sword

You'll need a sword at least as good as this one.

This is even more essential than the name. If possible make sure your sword was forged in some special way, e.g. 1000 years ago by the dwarf smiths of Moria.

Magic can be learned by reading books (such as Harry Potter) or finding magic items. Alternatively you can wave a stick about and see what happens. But beware: the Church will be out to burn you for practising witchcraft. (If you don't want be burned become a cleric)

If you dream of being a Pokemon master then this is your obvious choice. Watch out out for Team Rocket ("blasting off at the speed of light") and note that your quest will soon descend into the tedious boredom of repeatedly finding new Pokemon and learning about them. There is a good chance you will kill yourself before you complete your quest. You have been warned.

Alternatively you may wish to use the wedgie as your weapon of choice, though this is not recommended as some kinds of evil are immune (the kind that don't wear underpants).

edit Step 3: Begin Your Quest

  1. Stock up on supplies including plenty of potions, phoenix downs, magazines (it's really a boring task...).
  2. Wear comfortable shoes.
  3. Wear thermal underpants and/or goggles.
  4. Bring a packed lunch.
  5. Say goodbye to your family.
  6. You forgot your teddy. Go back for it.
  7. Bring some toilet paper (you don't want piles when you're fighting evil).

edit Step 4: The Final Battle with Evil

Tip

To get a jump-start, check for evil on South Main Street

Evil is often very powerful and it spits. Make sure you are ready. You may want to toughen up first by fighting the monsters that randomly appear as you walk. They often carry items and money for no apparent reason.

If possible try to find an even better sword or learn more magic. Try to pick up extra party members along the way. The weirder the better.

The ultimate evil bad-guy, the one you must defeat will most likely be located atop the highest mountain in the land (probably a volcano) where it is perpetually nighttime in a dark haunted castle. He/she/it will be waiting for you in a room in the castle (you may have to solve a puzzle to get to it - these range from the inane to the pointless) rather than being out somewhere doing actual evil.

Once you have defeated evil an impressive CGI-sequence will follow.

After that: bring out a trading-card game. Unless your quest ended in self-sacrifice. In which case, enjoy your funeral - hero.

edit Other Notes/Points to Remember

  • Always open treasure chests as they contain valuable items.
  • If you wear your underpants outside your pants you get +10% HP bonus.
  • A dark mysterious past often helps you achieve your quest. You can create one if necessary by burning your house down.
  • The best items are always hidden in improbable places. Like the bottom of the ocean or perched atop a giant elm tree swaying dangerously over a cliff. They are also often well-guarded by monsters who have no obvious reason for doing so.
  • Snakes are poisonous.
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