HowTo:Decorate your cunt for Easter
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As most of you already know, all too many members of the male sex are instinctively afraid of cunt. This has been in evidence all through history. Witch burnings are some of the more glaring examples, of course. The rumour that cunt has teeth has obviously been fabricated by cuntyphobes. Numerous other disgusting lies are also in circulation even at this time and age.
Some men, the less inhibited of those afraid of cunt, can fuck in a decent way - but you can never persuade them to give even semi-passable cunnilingus. We can only guess at the possible causes for this altogether unreasonable behaviour. It is highly probable, almost certain, that those men have had traumatic cunt experiences at some point of their lives. Their mothers might have tried to stuff them back in; they have had cunt rubbed in their faces at the wrong age; in short, there are many things that can trigger cuntyphobia.
Due to advanced psychological methods, there are now ways to spot the faulty ones well in advance. You should try to find out if your suspected cuntyphobe can use the word "cunt" in everyday discussion like any healthy male does, for instance. However, if you haven't been able to hit a good way of finding out whether your chosen one is a cuntyphobe - and you are hopelessly married to him already - the next best thing is to use deception to get him to perform the way you want him to.
In the list below, we will give you a few useful pointers on cunt decoration for Easter. A lot of the methods can be used in conjunction with other holidays too: you will only need to take the season's spirit into account.
- use cute little bells. You can fix these onto your panties. When your man asks what the jingling means, tell him that Easter bunny has a present for him down there. A tasty present. When he bows down to look, slather him with your juices before he can recover. Once slathered, the male is usually helpless.
- set up your pelvis area to resemble canned turkey. As a faithful member of consumer society, your man is unable to suspect any canned food. When he gets closer, you let slip what the can actually contains and he's done.
- make a nice bouquet of lilies, crocuses and other seasonable flowers. Ram the bouquet into your cunt, tell your spouse it is stuck, and ask him to pull it out with his teeth. If he tries to use his hands, just lock up and say only teeth will do. When his head is close enough - WHAM! Trapped!
- go classic with actual food, especially if your male is a glutton. Be careful, though: the last layer before the main course should be something soft and licky, like ice cream.
- this is not really a decoration - but you can try and boost your pheromone production to the level where your spouse's eyesight is blotted out. He'll never notice what is pushed into his face until it's too late and you have caught his head between your powerful thighs.
It is worth noting that whatever you do to snare your husband or lover into doing what you want him to do, you will need to use your own imagination to decorate your own cunt for maximum effect. This is why we kept this brief and general rather than going into painstaking detail about the best twat make-up and other paraphernalia. (Note: If you are uncertain of what to do, you can always turn to a professional cunt decorator for the best results - but be prepared to pay quite a lot for it.)