| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
“Deceiving People on eBay is not nice”
“You shouldn't deceive people on eBay.. but, you will anyway.”
Your mother's bridge partner's son is constantly talking about how easy it is to use eBay for evil. Seriously, he just wont stop. It gets to the point that, although this corn-fed idiot is just that (a corn-fed idiot), you're starting to contemplate an eBay store of your own. You excuse yourself from brunch and hop on your PC.
But now your store is created. You've listed a few items. You have colorful flashing .Gif images to grab people's attentions. Yet despite all this, you still haven't got a penny to show for the two hours of effort you have put into your store's creation. "Why won't they buy!?" you scream in agony. Your so-called Abe Lincoln Hat, your baseball card signed by the late Babe Ruth, the prison clothes you purchased that were once worn by Paris Hilton, the used toilet paper with a smear on it that resembles the Virgin Mary.. who wouldn't want to get in on this action?!?! You get mad, kick your computer, and go to watch The View. Your plans for online fame and fortune have failed.
But this did NOT have to happen!
Did you know that every buyer on eBay is an idiot? It's true! With this guide, you will learn to harness the power of the internet (well, eBay specifically), and unlock the secrets of deceiving people on eBay.
- 1 Brain - Preferably inside your skull, unless you're planning on putting the brain up for bid.
- 2 or more Email Addresses - To remain stealthy, inflate bid prices, and move with the anonymous grace of a seasoned ninjitsu warrior.
- A C+ Average or Higher - Remember, you're trying to deceive people on the internet, not become the president of the United States. This is a tough job that requires sharp wit and intellect.
- A Computer - If the one you kicked still works, great, if not, it would be wise to purchase a new one.
- Some Sort of Product - Even if it's dust.
The Sell Money Principle
Take a look at a good old-fashioned American dollar bill. Common enough, right? Wrong. What would you say if you were trying to sell this bill to an unsuspecting moron? Would you use adjectives? Power verbs? Charming anecdotes? Answer: YES! Employing all of these concepts have to power to make even an ordinary one dollar bill seem like a must-have item. Here are a few HOT features of this highlighted item:
- George Washington's Portrait - Stunningly emblazoned in a tastefully designed centerpiece; the focal point of this beautiful item.
- The Department of The Treasure Seal - Dignified and official, the Department of Treasury Seal has stood for justice, honor, and.. treasury, for nearly 300 years. Now, along with the bold image of our nation's first president, this seal can also be yours!
- Lots of Numbers - You know you love 'em, hell, we all do! And even though they have little significance to us, the dollar bill would be incomplete without a bunch of 7's, 4's and of course 3's and 8's. Would we sell you an incomplete dollar bill?? Of course not; you only get the highest quality dollar in this online swindle!
- The Illuminati Pyramid Thing - A masonic sign of our nations secret controlling body? A cute design to compliment the uncomfortable-looking eagle in our nation's seal? That's the beauty, friend: it's whatever you want it to be! We cater to you.
The Man Behind the Curtain Principle
One of the great elements of eBay's complicated auction pages is that dense online purchasers have no idea how to comprehend the information they convey. As such, you have a great deal of room to omit information, advertise half-truths, and generally finagle your way into the wallets of potential buyers. For instance, You can sell the aforementioned dollar bill for $1, but charge $500 shipping. Remember, buyers are complete numbskulls: they wont know to look for the price of shipping, and will believe they're getting this seemingly valuable dollar bill at a steal. By the time they realize their credit card has been charged $501 for a $1 purchase, you'll be rolling in that proverbial fat cash.
Another great element of trickery is fine print. For example:
You can't read this. If you, the person with the C+ average, cannot read this text, then there is absolutely NO WAY an ignorant eBay buyer can read it. As such, you can say whatever you want! I hate Jews! I shot John F. Kennedy! You're buying an item you really, really do not need!!
Ah, the beauty of simplicity.
The eBay Inflation Principle
No matter what your current bid price is, it can always be higher. This is where your second email address becomes necessary.
When a person bids on your item, a good swindler will immediately enter a slightly higher bid from the ghost account. This will frustrate and invigorate the real bidder: they'll say things like "Hey asshole, I want that polka-dotted bowtie!" or "No matter what you bid, I'm going to go a quarter higher, you prick!"
This is the impulsive passion you're looking for. You want to get people excited about things they'd otherwise consider junk. The anonymous antagonizing of a shill bidder will often lead to prices double or triple the original listing price (which, if you're using the right items, can be up to ten times its actual worth).
The Take the Money and Run Principle
Do not get too greedy with your eBay store. Sooner or later, people are going to realize that your items are a bunch of garbage. Its an economic inevitability. Anticipating this eventual demise is the key to maintaining a successful store and avoiding any unwanted Online Fraud investigations.
This preparation can be achieved by simply deleting your accounts and severing ties from eBay once you've collected all of your ill begotten money. At this point, you're home free: enjoy your earnings somewhere special, like Tahiti, or Santa Fe. After a few months of laying low, preparing new aliases and finding a new bevy of junk to hock to unsuspecting bunkheads, you'll be ready to begin anew, rising like the mighty Phoenix, returning to the internet to continue swindling the masses.