HowTo:Create a Healthcare System That Kills People
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
“It's a trap!”
“Finally, Universal Health Care, has come, to America”
So you want to cut government expenses and your nation's population in one foul swoop. Here is a perfect way to do it. Using the United States government as a perfect example, you can take your failing national health system and turn it into a lean, mean private healthcare machine that gives people more choice. Sure a few poor people will get left out but seriously who needs them anyways. They just drag the rest of us down. Besides by privitizing your healthcare system, you can get a few kickbacks via campaign donations from HMOs and pharmaceutical companies.
edit Steps to Creating a Healthcare System that Kills People
- If you have a fully nationalized system, open the door to private companies by introducing buzzwords like "more choice" and "better quality care".
- To show that the private system is superior, cut funding to the public system and run it into the ground. This results in shittier doctors and nurses working in the public system while the good ones go to work in the private industry. Wait times go up and more people die.
- Let HMOs take care of insuring people; allow them to charge ridiculously large sums of money for insurance, even for healthy people. This will ensure that poor people will not be able to afford insurance and will be more likely to die in the event of a life-threating illness
- Let HMOs refuse people for any reason.
- Allow HMOs to retroactively cancel agreements when it is in their interests. Remember interfering in the free market is just a step away from communism.
- Allow HMOs to deny care to the people they insure.
- Allow pharmaceutical companies to charge insanely high amounts of money for drugs. This will ensure that even more people will die.
- Prosecute people who dare go to other countries to buy the same drug for only a third of the price.
- Label anyone who wishes to reform the healthcare system as a communist, socialist, liberal, loonie leftie, or some other derogatory name to focus the attention on them and away from the failing healthcare system.
- Give hospitals the freedom to choose whether to accept dying patients who can't pay their bills.
- Allow pharmaceutical companies to release potentially dangerous drugs onto the market without sufficient testing
- Pass legislation that allows pharmaceutical companies to charge even more for drugs
- Give as many patients chemo as possible. You will receive ten percent of the profits from the cancer porn movies they will go on to star in.
edit Other Ways to Supplement Your Deadly Healthcare System
- Teach Creationism in Schools. Deny the fact of evolution therefore denying the fact that bacteria evolve. This means that you deny antibiotic resistant bacteria and this will result in more deaths.
- Don't teach teenagers about contraception. Teach them instead that sex is evil and that they will die if they have it. Of course their hormones will take over and they'll fuck anyways. Without proper knowledge about contraceptives, they will be more likely to contract an STD and die.
- Ease safety restrictions on vehicles. More road fatalities means less people.
- Allow murderers and other violent criminals to be released early so they can committ more crimes. Remember more murder means less people.
- Because there are more murderers on the street you can now use the media to scare the population into hiding. Tell them that its too dangerous to go outside. They will stop going out and exercising and will become obese and unfit. This will result in them getting sick and the HMOs making money or them dying. Either way for the government, its a win-win situation.
edit Tart Reform
To help destroy American support for your Presidency, you must change and recreate perfectly good sweets. Tarts are sugary goods that are washed down by tea if those silly British have anything to say about it. Normally, Tarts are perfectly fine on their own. However, if you want to destory public support, you must either ruin or maul Tarts beyond recognition. Some methods you can choose are replacing frosting with tax dollars and strawberries with old landmines. Hopefully, your popularity will plummet.
edit Marginalizing Dissent
With millions of people shut out of the healthcare system, it is only natural to expect some dissent. Here are some effective ways of dealing with insubordinate citizens;
- Instead of saying Nationalized healthcare or universal healthcare call it socialized medicine. The word socialized sounds like socialism and most people in the Western world have been taught that socialism is a dirty word.
- Say that a national healthcare system is nice but it is "politically impossible". Most people won't understand what it means but will be allow you to dodge the question.
- Veto any bill that Congress passes increasing the size of the national health system.
- Label anyone who dares to criticize the current system as a radical, idealist, communist, hippie, liberal, or socialist.
- If dissenters continue with their unpatriotic activities, harass and threaten them via proxies such as the FBI, CIA, KGB, or KFC. Get some redneck protestors to burn effigies of them and chant "Burn baby Burn".
- Refer to the opposition in a derogatory fashion, call them “Tea-baggers”
edit See Also
|Featured HowTo: Article|