HowTo:Crash a Plane

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Man eating plane

edit Reasons To Crash A Plane

There are many reasons that people decide to crash planes. None of these reasons are very good, hence the desire for such a drastic action. As the old aphorism goes; "It's hard to argue semantics when you're headed towards the Earth at terminal velocity." Common reasons cited for plane crashing are...

  • Because I hate the loud noises that planes make when they fly overhead.
  • If God intended us to fly, he would have given us wings. Or, at the very least, he would given us the brainpower to build machines capable of flight.
  • Ain't Shit On TV Tonight
  • Everybody else is doing it.
  • It's your Second Amendment right
  • Attention seeking.
  • Sexual tension.
  • The building to plane ratio is highly unbalanced.
  • Flight Simulator X makes it look so simple and painless.
  • The voices in my head made me.
  • In Soviet Russia, plane crashes YOU!
  • Drunken bet. (Bet you can't crash a plane...)
  • If it isn't done, a "Yo mamma is so fat" joke will be made about your momma.
  • Meh. lol!
  • You had motherf*cking snake problem on board.
  • You had a Samuel L. Jackson case on motherf*cking board.
  • It's a crappy McDonnell Douglas plane that just wanted to crash itself like they always do
  • You cannot fly a plane
  • Satan made you do it
  • The president made you do it.
  • Your sister made you do it.
  • Nelson Muntz dared ya and if you don't he'll beat you up.
  • If I can't fly, nothing flies!
  • Jesus made you do it.

edit Getting Started

So, you want to make a plane crash, huh? Well you've come to the right place! Whatever your reasons (surely, they are irrelevant), the important part is that you get on a plane in the first place. Here's how:

  1. Go to flight school, or just play Flight Simulator V. 3.1
  2. Learn everything about operating the plane
  3. Get your pilots license, with commercial rating
  4. Examine the schematics of every known commercial aircraft
  5. Load the plane with motherfucking snakes
  6. Load the plane with motherfucking Samuel L Jackson
  7. Now you're ready to crash dat thang

please note: This guide is about plane crashing. For an entry on plain crashing (crashing that is "ordinary" or "run-of-the-mill") please look elsewhere)

edit Eight Useful Methods

edit Method 1: Diving

You will need the following equipment:

  • Parachute
  • Desert Eagle, .50 caliber
  • Pilots License
  • Silencer
  • Piano Wire
  • Your Guts

Method

  1. Get a job on an airline as a Pilot.
  2. Show the boss that your capable of flying the airplane.
  3. Get the Black Box and Cockpit Voice Recorder and disable them before your mission
  4. Pilot the Plane.
  5. Midway thought the flight, put the plane into an uncontrollable diving right hand turn.
  6. Now get to the emergency exit doors, open one and get out of the plane (Don't forget your parachute)
  7. Deploy your parachute and watch as the plane crashes
  8. Get the hell out of there.

edit Method 2: Terrorist Attack

You will need:

  • Parachute
  • Terrorists
  • Tranqulizer

Method

  1. Go to Iraq and make a deal with a terrorist group.
  2. Do terrorists bidding as you earn their trust.
  3. Get a job at the airline as a Pilot.
  4. Initiate the call for the attack.
  5. Tranqulize your co-pilot while he isn't looking.
  6. Find an emergency exit and open it.
  7. Jump out and deploy your parachute.
  8. Watch as the terrorists plan an attack on the White House.

edit Method 3: Bomb It

You will need:

  • Parachute
  • Syringe
  • Hydrogen Bomb
  • Mini Bombs
  • Timer

Method

  1. Same as Method 1.
  2. Wait patiently.
  3. Have sex with a woman.
  4. When the plane is preparing to land, Go to the front and stick that syringe in his neck.
  5. Close the cover.
  6. Plant the bomb.
  7. Destroy the emergency exit.
  8. Jump out and deploy parachute.
  9. Watch as plane blows up, Best part: NO SURVIVORS!

edit Method 4: Snakes on a Plane

You will need:

  • Samuel L. Jackson
  • Thousands of poisonous snakes
  • Pheromone
  • Desert Eagle, .50 caliber

Method

  1. Order many poisonous snakes
  2. Somehow sneak them into the flight you're flying (BOEING 747-400 RECOMMENDED!!!)
  3. Tamper with the access panel.
  4. Call Samuel L. Jackson and tell him to come on the flight for old times sake.
  5. Reserve all of first class for yourself and Samuel L. Jackson.
  6. Give the Desert Eagle to Samuel L. Jackson as a gift.
  7. Board the flight with Samuel L. Jackson.
  8. Jump out and deploy parachute.
  9. Midway thought the flight, The snakes will be released.
  10. Watch as Snakes on a Plane Happens!

edit Method 5: Poisonous Gas Attack

You will need:

  • A contamination suit
  • A canister of poisonous gas
  • A time-release valve
  • A networked camera

Method

  1. Go to the black market and order a canister of poisonous gas and a time-release valve.
  2. Find a flight to sneak on to and install the canister and the poisonous gas canister, Make sure that the time-release valve is installed properly
  3. Now install the camera (to keep an eye on your canister) and get out of the plane.
  4. Turn on your computer and connect to your camera.
  5. Watch as the poisonous gas kills all the people on the plane and the resulting plane crash.

edit Method 6: Suicide Bombing

You will need:

  • A jacket
  • C4
  • A reason not to live
  • Being horny and desperate enough to think 72 virgins are waiting

Method

  1. See a madrasa, where psychopaths (with restraint) will twist Islam into a tract to off innocent families and retirees en route to Florida.
  2. Steal/buy a jacket from a store, you'll need one to hide the bombs.
  3. Carefully implant C4 into the jacket and make sure that no one can detect it. One pound is enough; you'll want a leg remaining to fly into a poor man's face.
  4. Same as always, Be a pilot. Or kill him.
  5. Midway through the flight, regret what you are doing. Just as that thought comes up, realize that 1: Guess who's still a virgin? 2: 72 babes in heaven.
  6. Pull the trigger.
  7. Guess who lied? And Allah's pissed you'd be this stupid...

Epilogue: President Bush invades another Middle Eastern country. Bonus points to you if it has oil.
Variations (the Kurt Cobain one): Get on a plane, get a parachute, inject yourself some heroin, followed from some nitrous oxide and then jump.

edit Method 7: The Navy Way

You will need:

  • Flight suit
  • Two 1000gal external fuel tanks and a load of 2,000 pound dumb bombs
  • 50. Cal Desert Eagle
  • F/A-18E Super Hornet
  • Nimitz-class supercarrier
  • A catapult operator just as crazy as you
  • Fentanyl
  • Accelerate your death

Method

  1. Have the flight crew mount the tanks and bombs on your plane as normal.
  2. Get in Super Hornet. Get towed to nearest hangar elevator and taken up to deck.
  3. Have a friend put the fentanyl in the air group commander's coffee.
  4. As soon as you are lined up on the catapult and the commander is passed out, have the cat operator shoot you off with the blast shields down, thus hurling everyone on deck overboard.
  5. Climb on afterburner to 20,000 feet.
  6. Level off, do a half-roll to invert, and simultaneously drop your bombs and pull the ejector seat handle at the same time. The plane explodes and you parachute into the ocean head first.

edit Method 8: John F. Kennedy, Jr. Style

You will need:

  • Bitchloads of money
  • Penchant for dilletantish attempts at careers in law and publishing
  • Single engine private plane
  • Rich wife, rich wife's sister
  • The attention of tabloid newspapers
  • Fog
  • Unwarranted self-confidence in your piloting skills


Method

  1. Coast through flight training based on your family name, just as you did through law school.
  2. Study for pilot's license as diligently as you did for the New York Bar Exam.
  3. Stick forefinger in mouth, hold it up to test wind direction.
  4. Get in plane, push throttly-looking thingamajig forward until you're in the air.
  5. Mmm....Go that-a-way, I guess.
  6. Hit the water at 140 knots!

edit Method 9: Withdraw safety and let it happen

2002GermanyPlanesMating

Run an air traffic control center as well as a drunk man can drive a car and this could happen!

Prerequisites: Be the director of an airline, the all-powerful dictator of an unfortunate country, the director of an air traffic control center, or anyone else holding unadulterated power.

Methods: Decrease maintenance checks to the point where they only happen once in a blue moon, and you could get an Alaska Roller Coaster Ride 261-like incident. Or if you like mid-air collisions knock out key systems and leave your centers understaffed. You could get a 2002 Germany airplane sexual intercourse-like incident that way.

edit Method 10: "Hey,look what I have..."

You will need:

  • 50. Cal Desert Eagle


Methods: Make your way into the cockpit. Whip out your 50. Desert Eagle and show the pilot and co-pilot what a badass pistol it is. From this point you may either:

  • Put it away, causing them to die with envy
  • Throw it out a window - they'll probably go after it
  • Use your enormous piece of hand held destruction to beat some ass, then pray that nobody else on board has the necessary skills to fly an airplane. If, by some chance, someone else does, use one of the aforementioned steps
  • Just ask them to crash the plane for you. You did, after all, show them your 50. Cal Desert Eagle.

edit Reflections

After reviewing this guide, it's a statistically significant probability that you're asking yourself one of these two questions.

and/or

  • "How will I know if my plane crash was successful?"

To ease your mind, we'll make mention here that the answer to the first question is an emphatic yes! Uncyclopedia, being an open-ended document, editable by anyone, is a difficult thing to monitor, and does not contain a database of pertinent user information. However, following the assumption that Uncyclopedia users do have telephones, you can be assured that the NSA is tapping them.

The anwer to the second question ("How will I know if my plane crash was successful?", for those with severe attention span problems) can be trickier, and many first-time plane crashers (or "Cherry Jihadists", as they're sometimes known) have made the mistake of ululating a victory for Allah after the plane has successfully touched down and calmly de-boarded. Such an act brings scorn from other jihadists, and often strips your claim of your free "SUICIDE BOMBER'S CLUB" team sweatshirt. To avoid such embarassment, plane-crashers may benefit from asking themselves a few simple questions before claiming victory.

edit Ways to Tell Your Plane Has Crashed

edit Are You Dead?

A typical Boeing commuter airplane (prior to the 787 carbon composite plane) has a weight of around 50 tons, and the weight of the Earth is almost twice that. Therefore, a midflight impact between your plane and the Earth would more than likely kill you. As such, people who are alive usually find that their plane-crashing attempts have been unsuccessful. To find out if you are still alive, try solving a Sudoku puzzle in your in-flight magazine. If you find it boring, you are probably still alive.

edit Are Others On The Plane Dead?

A&E documentaries highlight the rare cases of people who do go against the odds and survive plane crashes, usually because of proper use of prayer. While this unliklihood has been known to exist, it is a null possibility that all passengers have survived as well. Plane-crashing survivors would be wise to test other passengers for signs of life, using the recommended procedure of a wet willy.

edit Is It Being Covered On Fox News?

The last six attempted plane crashes have actually been covered on Fox News eleven minutes before they happened. This is due in large part to the network's recent feature Hourly Terrorist Attack Conjecture, in which they highlight several dozen planes which correspondent Brit Hume "has a feeling are just loaded with terrorists". This feature actually covers 93% of all American flights, but plane-crashers should take note if they are in the remaining 7%.

edit Are You Fucking 72 Virgins?

If Yes: Well done.
If No: Please play again.

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